And Then What
by TrueGirl3
Summary: Another reader request! My first SOA story...really not sure how long to keep this up, so let me know what you all think. This takes place right after Tara catches Jax with Ima in Season Three. I wanted to write a Tara that is stronger than KS writes her in the show, because realistically, I think she is too smart to put up with all Jax's shit, especially getting cheated on.
1. Chapter 1

**So…I got another request from a fan and I am trying here…so those who are familiar with the SOA fandom, please be gentle with me. I am new to the show and have just reached season six (I hear I am in for heartbreak). I got a request from an SOA fan to write a Jax and Tara rewrite…so here it is. Begins after Tara catches Jax and Ima. I think that Tara is so smart, but she isn't smart when it comes to Jax. At all. So in this story, I am going to write her a bit differently (hopefully not butchering KS's character in the process). Let me know what you think.**

**I might be persuaded to expand…not sure. It depends entirely on the feedback I get. Thanks for giving it a try everyone and please enjoy!**

And Then What **(Title was taken from SOA former Police Chief Wayne in Season Six Episode 4…when he said it to Jackson, I think it kind of woke Tara up to a truth she had never considered)**

Chapter One

Tara  


Tara's cheeks flushed in fury as Ima smirked at her from the bathroom, leaning against the door jam in only Jax's t-shirt. That t-shirt...one night not so long ago she had worn it. _"That's a good look for you…"_ he had said then, a look of love in his eyes.

Tara looked back to Jackson, whose eyes were now cold and devoid of all emotion. She shivered as she looked into them, wondering what there was left of the sixteen year old boy she had fallen in love with. Tara clenched her jaw and walked out of the stuffy, soiled room, slamming the door behind her.

She gasped for breath, holding her hand over her heart, as if to make sure it didn't have a knife sticking into it. No knife, but still broken nonetheless.

She heard Ima giggle on the other side of the door and that's when her eyes filled with tears. She wiped them away angrily and her head spun as she tried to figure out what to do.

_Walk_...her brain told her. Finally, her head was taking over when her heart had failed her so terribly.

Tara walked down the hall and out into the bar area of the clubhouse. Several people called out to her, at first in greeting and then in concern, noting her tears. She ignored them, continuing to walk until she was out in the morning sun once more.

She inhaled the fresh air in deep gulps until her head ordered her once more..._Calm down! You will hyperventilate and then never get out of here!_

Tara nodded as if her brain was a corporeal phantom, standing before her, dedicated to getting her to survive this betrayal...this heartbreak. Tara trusted no one anymore, not even herself. She just trusted her brain.

Tara manually slowed her breathing until it was regulated and her inner doctor reassured her..._Good. Normal rhythm._

_Now...car. Get in your car…._her brain said. Tara's eyes searched for her car, which was haphazardly parked in a spot nearby. She reached in her pocket for her keys, looking down at them curiously.

Ten minutes ago, when she put them in her pocket, she just wanted to see Jax. She wanted to comfort him and reassure him about Abel. _Twiiiisssst…_.her heart squeezed in excruciating pain over both Abel and Jax, who sought comfort with...Ima...

_NO!_ her brain yelled angrily..._No thinking about that now...not any of that...CAR! NOW!_

Tara bit her lower lip as she wiped away the tears that escaped as she gripped her keys and walked to her car. She clambered in and buckled up. As Tara pulled it into gear, she saw Gemma out of her rearview mirror watching from the garage office, puffing on a cigarette.

_Did she know? _Tara wondered to herself...of course she knew. Gemma had predicted pain and suffering for both her and Jax when Tara had first come back to Charming. The same night Tara had worn Jax's shirt...Tara winced as an image of Ima in that t-shirt flashed in her mind. As much as she hated to admit it, Gemma had been right. _Damn! _That was almost as bad as finding Jax in bed with another woman.

_Drive…_.her brain ordered, not liking where Tara was going with that line of thought. Despite all Tara's efforts to focus only on the road, she couldn't shake the images of Jax and Ima. Ima's smirk, Jax's eyes, and the smell of sweat, cheap perfume, and sex...it was almost too much and Tara released a small sob, even though her brain yelled at her to protect herself and drive home safely.

How she made it back to Jax's without an accident was miraculous. She credited it all to her muscle memory because in her mind she was still stuck in that dingy, dorm room, her heart breaking into a million pieces.

Tara parked the car and waited for instructions. Her heart told her to stay...to hear him out...her heart wanted to reason with her brain...Jax was hurting because of Abel. He needed someone to blame and Tara was an easy target...he was just acting out...trying to push her away.

_That doesn't make it okay_…her brain said softly. Her heart sure as hell didn't have a response to that logic.

And as much as Tara wanted to go with her heart and ignore the logic, Tara had to admit her brain was right. She closed her eyes and released a sob as something in her broke. It was something small, but _very _strong. It was the last straw, the final nail in the coffin of her and Jax's long, passionate, painful relationship.

Tara sagged in her car and let herself cry. She was ending a relationship that she had allowed to define her...more than being a surgeon, more than being a smart, intelligent woman who beat the odds and made something of herself, despite her upbringing and struggles….more than all of that Tara had always first been and was proud to be Jax's girl...his soul mate, then lover, then old lady. But it was only now that Tara realized she didn't like what that definition meant.

Being his meant accepting a lifestyle Tara couldn't morally condone and accepting rules of that lifestyle with no complaints...including getting cheated on and accepting it as an inevitability…and for what? Despite what they claimed, it wasn't for brotherhood…no, it was greed. For money, for women, for power…greed was what the Sons were all about. And they would do anything to keep it that way.

_No more_...her brain pleaded with her_….We can't take it anymore._..and for once her broken heart agreed.

Tara listened for her next step, exhausted beyond belief. _Pack_...her head and heart said together. Tara nodded once more, inhaling as she looked for strength she didn't think she had. She reached a trembling hand and opened the door to her car.

As she closed it the door behind her, she felt like she was closing the door on everything that had happened. _About time_...her head grumbled._ Oh shut up,_ she thought back petulantly.

Jax

Jax dressed quickly, his heart empty...his head empty. He had no room for feelings...for thoughts.

Jax's thoughts flashed to Tara...her hurt expression. He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He then stood angrily, grabbing his cut and leaving the room. He couldn't think about that now. Any of that...he only had room for one thought and that was getting his son back...his Abel.

Jax would deal with all this...all this fucking misery when his son was back in his arms...when they were back in charming.

"Where are we at?" he asked his brothers, who looked at him in concern.

He sat and listened...fuck, he would need to go to Ireland. Didn't matter. If he had a chance at finding his son, he would go to the ends of the earth to get him.

Tara

Tara heard a motorcycle rev in the driveway as she finished packing and closed her eyes….she couldn't do this. Not now. She was surprised he even came back here. Since Abel had been missing, Jax had been detached….never coming back to the house during the day unless he had to grab something. No words had ever been exchanged between them on these occasions.

Tara heard the front door click and her heart thudded in a panic. She wasn't afraid...not really, but she was nervous. She couldn't trust herself around Jax...this morning was proof of that. When it came to Jax Teller, she was deaf and blind to reality. She hated the woman she had become because of him. The woman he made her.

She heard heavy boot steps and she immediately knew it wasn't him. Jax wore sneakers. _Now _she was scared...who the hell was here? Her mind flashed to an enemy of the club and she shook in fear. They had taken Abel...what was to stop them from taking her? And if they took her, Jax wouldn't be coming for her.

She looked at the window, panicked, and slowly headed towards it, listening for more movement. Tara grabbed one of her bags and eased open the window, not breathing as her heart thudded in fear.

"Tara?" a familiar voice called out.

Tara jerked at the sound of her name and she sighed in relief….not Jax. Not an enemy...just a member of the club. Tig. She walked out to the foyer area and regarded him cautiously. What was he doing here though?

"What are you doing here?" Tara asked once she was standing in front of him, crossing her arms over her chest as he looked her over, for what she didn't know.

"Jax sent me to keep an eye on you," Tig explained, "He's going away for a bit, got a lead on Abel."

Tara's heart expanded as hope filled it. _Abel_...her heart and brain both took the news as well as she was.

"Good news?" she choked out.

Tig nodded and said, "I think so."

Tara couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes. If Abel had even a remote chance...Jax would find him. And Abel was as strong as his father. That kid was a survivor.

"Good," Tara said in a thick, wobbly voice, "God that's good."

"We are going to get him back," Tig said, putting his hand on her shoulder in comfort, "I know you must be...going out of your mind with worry."

Tara shrugged and nodded, thinking,_ Oh Tig, you have no idea. I am currently talking to my head and heart as if they are people._

Which reminded her….

"Thank you," Tara said, wiping her tears, "And thanks for checking on me, but you go do club stuff. I am going to be fine."

_And you will be...Really..._her head and heart said together in a comforting voice, reminding her of what she needed to finish.

Tig nodded and said, "I can hang outside if you don't want me in here."

"No, Tig, go back to the clubhouse. I don't need you here. I am actually going to my dad's old place for the night," she said, "Trust me, if anyone comes looking, they will run screaming when they see all the piles of junk in there."

Tig chuckled, but his eyes looked wary, "Are you sure? You can come stay at the club if you don't want to stay here without Jax."

Tara shook her head vehemently, "No, I am sure, I want to stay there."

Tig nodded and relented, "Okay...do you want me to come?"

Tara was getting tired of this and just shook her head, leveling him with a glare.

He nodded and held his hands up in defeat, "'Kay, have it your way. Can I help you with anything?"

Tara began to shake her head and then stopped. "I have a couple of bags of laundry...can you help me carry them?"

He nodded and she pointed to the back room where she had left the bags.

When Tig saw one near the open bedroom window he smirked at her over her shoulder, "Worried I might be Cameron Hayes?"

Tara gave him a weak smile as she grabbed her purse from the bed and the smaller duffel as Tig left the room. Two bags...that's all she had here. She couldn't believe that was all the evidence of herself in this room. A couple of drawers...a few books. Not much.

She looked around the sparse room and sighed. Before all this...before her and Jax reconnected, Tara had bonded with little Abel. When you hold someone's heart in your hands...it changes you. You connect to them and know...you have stared into the mystery of their soul. Abel was no different. On the dresser, there was a picture taped to the mirror of her and Abel in the NICU.

Tara glanced at it and smiled nostalgically. As much as Tara tried to remind herself over and over that she wasn't Abel's real mom...that Wendy was...Tara had grown motherly towards him. She loved the small little warrior, who battled all odds against him.

Tara slipped the picture into her purse and walked out of the room. As she passed the kitchen she unhooked Jax's spare key from her car keys and gently set it on the counter. She looked down at it. Once she left she wasn't coming back.

She looked around the house and heaved a sigh. Tara had tried...she tried to make this work. But it just...it wouldn't. It would never work. They wanted different things from life. And Tara could never tolerate the MC, despite the people she cared about in it.

At least now she knew…she knew that her staying eleven years ago wouldn't have worked in her favor either. She had returned for protection from Kohn, but honestly, she also returned to answer that big "what-if" question she had carried around for so long….now she had her answer. And it fucking hurt the shit out of her. 

As she heard Tig's motorcycle roar to life, she jerked out of her sad train of thought and walked out of Jax's house and his life for good.

**  
So what do you all think? Should I continue? Was I true to the characters? Eek I am nervous about this one, but I want to thank you all for reading. Please drop me a review (Good, bad and ugly welcome)!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**So I had some comments and messages that asked me to continue so that's what I am going to do! Y'all are amazing for reviewing and for giving me so much support (loving this fandom's readers already!) Hope you enjoy the next chapter. And keep up those reviews because they make me happy!**

And Then What

Chapter 2

Tara

Tara had finished packing everything up that she had brought with her to Charming. She looked around her dad's old house and sighed as she wondered what to do with it. She had no idea what needed to be done, but she knew she needed this chapter, the Charming chapter, to be over. For good.

She chewed her bottom lip and called the lawyer who handled her dad's estate. After discussing Tara's situation, he agreed they should put the house up for sale after they had a crew come out to clean it and fix it up where it needed it. Tara didn't care how much the house brought her, she just wanted it finished. The lawyer suggested she take anything sentimental and set it aside, otherwise the junk that had been accumulated for years would be tossed or donated.

Tara hung up with her lawyer and walked around the old house. She glanced in her old bedroom, taking an inventory of anything she might have left in there. There was...nothing. She could live without the things from her childhood and adolescence. There was no keepsake in that room she wanted. She slowly made her way to a room she hadn't been in since she had left eleven years ago.

Her parents' bedroom. She rarely went in the room after her mother's death, but now she needed to find something. She peaked in and was shocked to see that despite the thick layer of dust covering everything, it was almost perfect. She walked in and looked around the room...so many memories. Her mom playing makeup with her. She remembered that shade of lipstick...remembering how pretty Tara thought her mom was.

Tara teared up nostalgically and wondered what had motivated her dad to clean up the room. He was usually too drunk to give a shit about anything other than where the next bottle was.

Tara walked to the dresser and opened the top drawer. Packed full of stuff, she pulled it all out and set it on the floor. Lots of trinkets, paper clippings, old photos.

Tara methodically went through it all. Her mom's obituary, Vietnam letters, military photos and awards for valor, several photos of her mother and her father, some of her, and then...clipping after clipping of news about Tara. Graduating college, and then med school, a surgical journal article that Tara had written and was published….Tara teared up. Her and her old man had only spoken a handful of times after she left for San Diego. It was too hard for both of them and eventually they stopped.

But he had kept up on her it seemed. There was a picture of her that looked very official and she recognized it as her physicians photo when she was hired at Chicago Presbyterian. How had he gotten that? When had he been sober enough to think about such a thing? Tara grabbed a grocery bag and stuffed all of the contents in the top drawer into the bag and decided she couldn't cry anymore. Charming had dried her out.

She grabbed her mom's old jewelry box, taking the pieces her mother treasured and packed them away. She thought about anything else she wanted in this house, but came up blank. These were the only things she wanted from her younger years.

She stood and walked back to her bedroom and sat on the bed. She called her dad's lawyer and told him to proceed with getting the place ready for a quick sale. He sounded surprised, but said he would have a crew out the next day to begin getting rid of everything.

Tara hung up once more and walked to her room, lying on the small twin bed. It had been two days since she had caught Jax and Ima. The image of them together...his indifference to her pain….it played like a sick, sadistic torture movie on repeat in her head. She couldn't stop it. The only thing that helped was planning her next steps. She wondered how long the cleaning crew would take to clean this place out.

Tara scowled at the ceiling and wondered if she even needed to stay for that. She looked at her phone again, wondering if she called the lawyer once more if he would press stalking charges. But she couldn't stay still until she had this settled. If she didn't call, she would think of him and her. Him and her...ugh.

Tara reached for her phone and dialed her dad's lawyer.

"Yeah, hey Buzz, sorry, last question tonight I swear," Tara said, giving a nervous chuckle, "I am wondering if I have to stay through the cleanup and sell of the house?"

He chattered on and on about her getting restless to leave and she finally got him off the phone, agreeing that her presence wasn't needed for closing the house and tying up the strings of her life in Charming.

After promising se wouldn't call him one more time, Tara got off the phone and settled into the couch. For the first time in days she was hungry. She hadn't eaten much since...the incident. So Tara ordered Chinese and climbed into sweats as she channel surfed and made travel arrangements online.

A knock on the door startled her and she wondered who it could be. To her knowledge, Jax was gone somewhere regarding Abel. She got off the couch and opened the door expecting another MC member checking in on her, but blanched at the sight if Jax standing there.

For a second it was almost like they were teens again, him coming around to pick her up...but there wasn't that hollow look in his eyes or the dark circles under them when he was sixteen. When Tara would answer this door as a teenager in love, it was almost euphoric excitement knowing he was on the other side of the door. Now it was pain… betrayal… anger… disappointment… sorrow.

Tara leaned against the door frame, crossing her arms over her chest. She raised an eyebrow and he sighed, "I am sorry about this morning."

Tara felt like she was watching them from the outside of her body. "Don't be. It's what you wanted," she responded in a detached tone.

"I didn't want for you to get hurt," Jax said, shoving his hands in his pocket and looking down at his feet. Tara shook her head, not able to look him in the face. He was a cheat _and _a liar.

"That's exactly what you wanted," Tara accused, "You think I am responsible for what happened to Abel."

Jax shook his head and she scoffed.

"You are a liar and a coward, Jackson Teller. The fact is that I was held at gunpoint, taped up and had to watch a child I see as a son taken away by someone who had just killed Half Sac in front of me," Tara choked out, determined not to crumble emotionally in front of him as she remembered how helpless and terrified she had been that day.

"_You_ put me and Abel in that situation, Jax," Tara spat, her tone ugly, "And then when we should have been getting through this together, you pushed me away...and fucked that...fucked Ima." She didn't want to call her porn slut, even though it was true. There was nothing as pathetic as two women fighting over an unworthy man.

"Tara-"

Tara just shakes her head, "No."

Jax just looked at her and she shifted her feet until she was no longer leaning on the door jam. "I came back, Jax. For you. I tried…I told you what my deal breakers were. Really, there was only the one and yet you slept with her...I would have followed you until this lifestyle you have chosen killed me. That's how much I loved you."

Her voice cracks on the last word, knowing in her heart that it was the truth.

Jax now had the decency to show some emotion...shame? Remorse? She couldn't tell, because the fight she had in her was draining out of her as his eyes brimmed with tears.

"Tara-"

She shook her head as she wiped an escaped tear from the corner of her eye.

"Goodbye, Jax," she croaked out, fighting the sob that was in her voice.

She shut the door in his face and slid down, releasing a silent sob, her hand over her mouth. She heard him punch something in anger and then moments later the roar of his motorcycle. She released her wail of grief. She cried against the door, her heart literally ripped to pieces and lying on the stained carpet of her departed father's floor.

Jax

Jax stared at Tara's door, his fists bloody from attacking the dilapidated siding on her old man's house. He hated himself. Tara made him hate himself. He knew he deserved every ounce of hatred she offered, every cutting word she uttered.

Jax was responsible for Abel being taken. He was responsible for Tara being tied up and having to watch it happen. He was responsible for Sac getting killed. He was responsible for so much of what had been going wrong the past year…

Jax looked at her door for a long time, praying she would open it back up, but she never did. He could hear Tara's muffled sobs and he couldn't handle it anymore. He climbed on his bike and rode and rode until he knew he couldn't waste any more time. He didn't have time for this, he needed to make plans to get to Belfast.

_You will fix this with her, just not now_, Jax told himself, _When you have Abel with you, and put him in her arms, then you will fix all of this._

That was Jax's plan. He just needed to get Abel back. He blocked everything else. Not able to hear or feel anything else. Jax drove to his house to pack a bag for Belfast. He entered and something felt different. He looked around, listening for any indication of trouble.

The only thing that answered him was silence and the hum of the fridge.

Jax moved to his bedroom and looked for a duffel bag he kept in his closet and began grabbing enough clothes to fill the bag. He noticed Tara's drawer opened a crack and peaked inside.

His heart stopped...he jerked open the drawer in disbelief and then the other drawers she kept her spare clothes in. Empty. She had packed her crap. He went to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. Everything was gone. Her toothbrush, her face wash, her moisturizer. Everything was gone.

Jax sighed in frustration and closed his eyes. When his eyes met the reflection staring back at him in the mirror he growled and punched the face responsible for all this. His already bloody hand became even bloodier as he shattered the mirror. He couldn't even look at himself anymore.

Who had he become?

_Not now_, he screamed at himself. He didn't have time for a mental break. Each second he wasted, Abel slipped further and further away from him.

_But Tara_...Tara had to wait. She would want it that way if it meant getting Abel back. Jax grabbed his toothbrush in the mess and headed back to his bedroom. He grabbed the duffel and left the bedroom. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed a few burner cell phones. As he prepared to leave the house, he noticed the key...the key must be Tara's.

Jesus, she was really pissed. _Later_, he promised himself,_ We'll fix it later._

Tara

The next morning Tara handed the keys to her dad's house and the cutlass over to her lawyer. She stood on the front lawn of her home, ready with instructions for him as she waited for her cab.

"So I am selling the house and the car on your behalf...I have the routing and account numbers to deposit the profits from the sales…," he murmured taking notes.

Tara nodded, and looked down the street for the cab.

"I will do my best, Dr. Knowles," he said kindly. Tara gave him a small smile, and thanked him as her cab pulled up. The cabbie jumped out and grabbed her bags loading them in. She looked back at her old house one last time and after a few moments, she said goodbye and climbed in the cab.

"Where to?"

"Stockton Metro Airport, please," she said, putting her sunglasses on. He nodded and pulled away from her old home, her old street, and eventually her old town.

**Please review! Thanks for reading everyone!**


	3. Chapter 3

**The response I have been getting from you all is incredible! I am so happy you all like what I have been doing so far. Please keep reviewing because it means the world to me! MWAH to all of you!**

**I need to address a couple of things. I should have mentioned as I began this that a slight change to the story. Before I even started this story, I knew I wanted to write a story where Tara found out she was pregnant **_**after**_** she caught Jax and Ima…so Tara doesn't know she is pregnant at this point in the story…I address this in this chapter…so hang onto your hair ladies and gentleman (? I always wonder if guys read this stuff). **

**Also, because I am deviating from the show, the timeline won't exactly match up anymore, so be warned those SOA fans out there who try and map out my story and the show accurately! Sorry, I am just not as familiar with the show…or a skilled enough writer to pull that off. Hope it doesn't mean you will stop reading. **

**Okay, so on with the story. Enjoy!**

And Then What?

Chapter 3

Tara

Tara arrived back to Chicago, exhausted and sore from the trip. After partially moving in with Jax, she had let go of her old apartment in Chicago and had her things moved into a storage unit. She would need to a temporary place to stay until she found a job and a place to live...

Because Tara was in the worst possible shape she had ever been in, she decided to treat herself to a stay in a suite at the Ritz Carlton. It was extravagant, but she needed to pamper herself. She would work on getting a job and figuring out what her next move was.

Jax-Two Weeks Later

Jax was really fucking sick of Belfast, but he bid his time and finally he was given his son back. He never knew such relief. Nothing would ever happen to him again. Jackson held him on the plane in his lap. His mother and Clay were in the seats across from him.

Abel was wide awake, despite the late hour. Jackson rested his lips against Abel's soft blond hair, inhaling his scent, reassuring himself that he was here in his arms. His son.

Jax never thought he would see Abel again. It had been the worst kind of pain. He didn't understand how parents who lost children lived through it.

Jax looked down into his boy's blue eyes and bounced his baby boy on his lap.

"Abel," he cooed gently to him, "I will never let you go again."

Abel gave him a big gummy smile, waving his chubby little arms up at Jax, who smiled affectionately down at him. Jax watched Abel in fascination and when Abel looked to the empty seat next to Jax, it was as if Jax could hear his thoughts.

_Where is Tara? _his son's eyes seemed to ask him.

Jax hugged Abel closer to him and whispered, "We are going to go get your mommy now."

Because that's what Tara had been to Abel. She had delivered Abel into this world, saved him from almost certain death due to his complication at birth, cared for him when Jax couldn't. She protected Abel as her own. Abel _was _Tara's son. And he had pushed her away and said they weren't family. Cheated on her. Stayed when most women would have bailed...he shuddered and Abel let out a mewl at Jax's distress.

Jax didn't know what he could do to get her back for him and Abel, but he would do _anything_. He had just gotten her back. He couldn't fuck this up.

Jax hugged Abel close to him and eventually, he felt Abel calm and fall asleep against his chest, cradling him in his arms. Jax used his sweatshirt as a blanket for him as Abel slept.

The flight attendant smiled flirtatiously his way when Abel calmed and Jax just looked back down at his son.

As he looked down at Abel, safe in his arms and heading back to Charming, he couldn't help think, _One crisis down, another to go._

Tara

"And I could start when?" Tara asked, taking notes on a pad at the hotel desk in her room.

"No, that would be wonderful," she said, beaming down at the pad in front of her listing all the salary information, benefits packages, tuition reimbursements, and moving stipends being offered to her by Providence Health System in Portland, Oregon.

This offer….it was too good to be true. It was with one of the preeminent pediatric surgeons in the country, so academically, Tara would grow as a surgeon in leaps and bounds. It would pay off outstanding balances on her undergraduate and medical loans, and even pay for the move to Portland.

She would start next week. As she hung up with the program coordinator, Tara squealed in excitement and happiness. This was the first break she had gotten in _so _long. She didn't believe in signs, or fate because she was a woman of science, but she had to admit this seemed like kismet.

Tara had her heart broken and when she finds out she needs a job, a major hospital in her field begins actively wooing her for their surgical program...it was surreal. Tara flopped on the feather bed in the suite she had been staying in and looked at the ceiling in absolute relief and happiness even.

_Well, goodbye Chicago_, she thought to herself. She wasn't really torn up about leaving Chicago because this city also held bad memories...Josh. She shuddered as she remembered how quickly that had turned south.

A fresh start in a new city was exactly what she needed. Tara called the realtor company the hospital recruitment staff recommended for future surgeons and called them, arranging for a one bedroom apartment close to the hospital. She needed to wait for a call back once they found something for her, but until then they would put her up in a hotel close to the hospital.

Tara also called a moving company arranging for a move to Portland. Tara didn't have much stuff in storage, but what little she had she could move because of the stipend. She checked everything off her list and she wondered what else she was missing.

Maybe she should enjoy her favorite spots in Chicago. She was thinking about all the places she wanted when an idea popped in her head.

She picked up the phone and made a call.

"Hi, Dr. Benson," Tara said once the line picked up, "Dr. Knowles, I assisted you on...right, the cleft palate case. I was hoping you could do me a favor."

Tara explained what she wanted done and he told her he would be more than happy to help her. She hung up and glanced at the clock. He told her to come by the office in two hours. She needed to take a shower and get ready.

Tara stood and shed her clothes quickly. As she walked to the shower she looked herself in the mirror, turning so she could look at the last bit of evidence of Jax Teller she had in her life. She lightly fingered the tattoo. When she had gotten the crow, she had been so...sure. She had been sure Jax was it for her.

An image of him pumping into Ima flashed through her head and she shuddered as the pain rippled through her fresh. _Apparently I wasn't it for him though_, she thought sadly as her hand dropped away from the tattoo.

Tara climbed in the shower and quickly dressed. She planned to go and get a bite to eat before her appointment and make visits to one of her favorite spots.

Tara grabbed a Chicago chili dog, with 'the works' and made her way to the Loyola medical library. Because of the chili dog, she sat on the steps outside, people watching. When she had first come here, she was terrified. She had never been off the west coast and didn't know if she could pull it off...but she had. And now Tara was getting ready for another big chapter in her life.

"Tara?"

Tara spun and spotted her academic advisor smiling kindly down at her.

"Dr. Prentiss! So good to see you," she said, crumpling up her hot dog wrapper and standing to embrace the kind woman.

"I thought that was you, how are you?" she asked, her kind eyes warm and full of genuine interest.

"I am…" Tara trailed off. _Fucking terrible_, she thought, _My heart is broken and there is no cure...no surgery to fix that_. "I am great. I just got a job in Portland with-"

"Dr. Bloom?" she asked in shock, "I heard he was looking for a fellow. Congratulations! How wonderful for you."

Tara nodded and her old advisors praise was like a confirmation that she was doing the right thing.

"Well, I have to dash to a student advisee meeting, but good luck Tara. Keep in touch to let me know how it's going," she said, hugging Tara and walking away.

Tara watched her go and felt that was all the goodbye she needed from Chicago. She pitched her hotdog wrapper and made her way to her appointment.

Jax

Jax stepped off the plane, carrying a sleeping Abel in his arms. He was exhausted. Since Abel had been kidnapped, he hadn't slept worth a shit and when he had he was having nightmares.

Juice was there to pick them all up in a van.

"Baby, I can take Abel home," Gemma offered as they neared the Charming city limits, extending her arms out for him.

"I can," Jax said, planning on going to Tara's.

"We need to get back to the club," Clay said in a gruff voice, "We have too much shit to sort through."

Jax sighed and said, "I just got back. I want to go and settle Abel and let Tara know he is okay."

Gemma pursed her lips, but Clay nodded and said, "Meet at the club in two hours."

Jax nodded and told Juice to take them to Tara's house.

Jax got more and more nervous for Tara's reaction to them all showing up in her driveway. She had been pissed when he had left. And hurt. A bad combination when dealing with a woman. Jax couldn't blame her either. He just hoped that the time apart had calmed her fury and soothed her hurt.

As they approached the house, he looked at the house, noting a difference, but he couldn't tell what it was. Then Jax figured it out. It looked...cleaner. Fixed up. A fresh coat of paint on it. The shutter that had fallen off years ago was affixed to the side of the window where it belonged, no longer leaning against the side of the house. The shrubs were trimmed, the grass cut. It had never looked better.

Gemma nudged his shoulder and Jax looked to her in confusion. Her face...it held a look of pity and worry. He wrinkled his brow in confusion and followed her gaze and pointed finger to something posted in the yard.

_FOR SALE: Buzz Banowitz Realty, Charming, CA- SALE PENDING_

Jax jerked in shock, jostling Abel awake who began to cry. Gemma took Abel from Jax, who rushed to the house, knocking...more like pounding on the door.

_Please be home, please be home_, he thought desperately to himself. She couldn't be gone. He peered inside the house and noted it was empty, waiting for its new family. His heart felt as empty as the house.

"She's gone, baby," his mother said gently behind him.

Jax turned and looked at her, shaking his head in disbelief.

Jax looked back at the house as if it had been a mind fuck. A trick. She would come out the door in a second...angry, happy, relieved, sad...he would take her anyway he could.

"Come on," Gemma said softly, as if he was a wounded animal needing care.

"She has to be at my house," he said, knowing it sounded desperate but not caring.

Gemma gave him a pitying look, but nodded and said, "Sure, let's...let's go check. I think Abel needs to be fed too."

Jax nodded absentmindedly. Tara wouldn't just leave. And if she had, one of the guys would have said something. He had told them all to check on her daily. He never got a word about her from them in the three weeks he had been gone.

As Juice drove them to his house, he called the club.

When Piney's booming voice answered, Jax immediately asked, "Where's Tara?"

Silence fell on the line in a way that wasn't comforting to Jax.

"Piney! Where the hell is Tara?" he shouted, causing Abel to cry out in distress, as if he knew what was happening.

"No one's seen her in two weeks. Tig checked her house and found a cleaning crew. He went to the hospital, but they said that she wasn't working there anymore. Wouldn't say where she was going," Piney said in a sympathetic voice.

Jax closed his eyes and sighed. "I asked you to look out for her while I was gone," he seethed, "I thought I could depend on my brothers to do that."

He snapped the phone shut as Juice pulled up to his house. Jax bounded out of the car and headed inside. Nothing had changed. The key still sat on the counter. He made his way to the bedroom, which was exactly as he had left it. Her empty drawers were still flung open.

Jax sighed in anger and frustration and kicked the drawer and the splintered and busted under his assault.

"Jesus Christ, Jax," his mother scolded, holding Abel in her arms as she fed him a bottle.

"She's gone," he said, mostly to himself in disbelief, "She left."

"It's what she does, baby," Gemma said gently.

Jax spun, furious, "I did this. Tara left because of me."

_You know it would kill me if I knew you were sleeping with other women…_her words echoed in his head.

If Gemma had a rebuttal she was smart to keep it to herself. She walked out of the room, probably to put Abel down for a nap.

Jax sunk down onto the bed and buried his face in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. She left...she had promised she wouldn't.

_Cheating...it's a deal breaker for me….._Tara had said. He didn't take her seriously then because he couldn't imagine ever wanting someone that way if he had her in his bed. If he had known how seriously she felt...how radical she would have reacted, would he have fucked that porn slut to push her away?

_What am I supposed to do?_ he asked himself.

He needed her. When Tara came back, Jax promised himself that he wouldn't get lost in her like he had when he was a kid. Jax knew he wouldn't be able to help himself to Tara if she let him close again. Despite Jax's promise, she had managed to ingrain herself in him so deeply, his promise to himself meant fuck all. And what was worse, Jax knew Abel needed Tara almost as bad as he did.

_Find her..._his head and heart screamed at him.

Jax thought about that. Finding Tara would be simple. She probably went back to Chicago. But did he really want to pursue that? Go there, try to convince her that she should come back? The likelihood that she would return to Charming was slim.

_Playing house...it isn't going to be enough, _Tara had told him, her eyes nervous and vulnerable, telling him she wanted his babies. Besides his cut and a bike, that was all Jax had ever wanted since he was sixteen. Tara...a family with her. Father to her babies.

For eleven years, after she had left him, he wondered what would have happened if he had followed her. He wondered about what would have happened if she stayed. Or if she had come back later...or earlier. Would they have been happy?

Jax knew if he didn't go to her, didn't find her, then he would be spending the rest of his life wondering what would be different if he had tried. Jax realized he never had the courage to choose himself above the club. Tara was a part of him. If he went after her, it would be him putting himself above the club.

He needed her. Abel needed her. He would do anything to make that work. Because if he didn't...Tara would find someone else to give her the things she wanted from life.

_I am going to want a baby or two…_and Jax was not going to let anyone else give that to her. Tara was his. And so were her babies.

Tara

Tara sat in Dr. Benson's office waiting area filling out the paperwork she needed to before her visit with Benson. She quickly filled everything in, but was stopped short on a question:

_**Are you pregnant? Circle: Yes or No**_

Tara began to circle no, but then wondered...when the hell her last period was. Her heart fluttered when she realized she couldn't remember when she had it last. She grabbed into her purse and snatched her calendar out.

She flipped through the pages, frantically searching for the red star she had used since junior high. _Shit shit shit! _Two months...maybe more! _No, fuck, shit, crap, son of a bitch!_

Tara gasped as she tried to calm herself down. She inhaled deeply, trying to calm her racing heart.

_Slowly_, her head told her. Tara nodded, slowly exhaling the breath she was holding in and began to slowly go through the pages...Two and a half months...she had no star for that long. She...she could be pregnant.

"Dr. Knowles?" a nurse called out.

Tara looked up at the waiting nurse and then back down to the paperwork. She decided since she couldn't say either yes or no to the question, she had to leave it blank.

"Tara!" Dr. Benson said, shaking her hand, "Nice to see you!"

Tara nodded, trying to give him a smile, but it came out as a grimace.

"Are you nervous?" he asked, chuckling, "I swear it doesn't hurt that bad."

Tara shook her head and said, "Oh, no, it's...it's not that."

Dr. Benson smiled encouragingly and showed her into one of the exam rooms.

"It will hurt about as much as it did to get it," he told her, sitting on the round stool, looking over her paperwork.

"Dr. Benson," Tara said, "I wasn't able to finish that. I think I might be pregnant. I...didn't know until today. Can I still get the procedure?"

He looked up at her and said, "Of course. Creams and other methods for tattoo removal can be harmful to the mother and child in utero because of the chemical processes. But laser removal has zero risk for the child. I understand if you want to postpone to do research."

Tara thought about his advice and then shook her head, looking down at her stomach. Could she really have a kid in there?

"No," she said in a small voice, "No, I still want it done."

"Okay," Dr. Benson said, snapping gloves on, "Let's see what we got."

Tara removed her shirt, leaving her bra on and turned her back to him.

"Oh, this shouldn't be a problem," he said, lightly tracing his fingers over the ink embedded in her skin.

Tara nodded and he instructed her to lie down on her stomach. He called a nurse in to assist as he fired up the laser and began to take it away. It hurt...like...snaps on her lower back hundreds of times over. Dr. Benson worked quickly though and his hands were skilled.

"Did it have any meaning to you?" he asked as he worked, in an attempt to take her mind off of what he was doing.

Tara thought about it. This tattoo, when she had gotten it, meant everything...to her and to Jax. She bit her lip as another assault of snaps plagued the skin of her lower back.

"It did at the time," Tara answered. _When he wasn't shoving his dick in other women, _she thought angrily. When she got it, she thought that it would show him and his world that not only was she his, but that he was hers as well. When he slept with Ima, the ink might as well have been faded to nothing.

"I don't do many of these, but most patients say that," Dr. Benson said conversationally. He proceeded to tell her about all the ridiculous tattoos people had.

When he was finished, he left for his next appointment. As the nurse rubbed the cream over sore skin, she asked, "Does it hurt?"

Tara glanced up at her and noted a look of concern. She realized then that she was crying.

She touched her fingers to her cheek and pulled it away in shock. Tara looked back up at the nurse who handed her some pain pills and a cup of water. Tara took it and sat on the table until she was thoroughly lathered in antibacterial cream and topical anesthetic. The nurse wrapped her up in gauze and sent her on her way.

On her way back to her hotel, she stopped at a drugstore. She bought a few boxes of home pregnancy tests, praying that all the stress, anxiety and heartbreak were causing her to have a delayed period.

She drank a big bottle of water on the way back to the hotel and as she peed in her hotel room over the sticks, she closed her eyes in prayer.

_Please, please, please don't let me be pregnant..._how was she supposed to move on from Jax if she was pregnant with his child?

She waited the agonizing minutes it took to tell her what she needed to know. If she was pregnant, what was she going to do? Keep it?

_Yes_...the answer was automatic in her head and her heart. She could never abort this baby.

Would she tell Jax….? Her head and heart were painfully silent when she asked this question.

Would she go to Portland?

_Yes, you need a job...a legit job...to support you and the baby..._her head answered. Tara nodded in agreement.

Would she tell Jax…? she asked again. Damn it all to hell, they were so opinionated, why would they not answer her.

If Tara told Jax she was pregnant, what good would it do? He would never leave Charming. And she sure as shit wouldn't go back to Charming to raise her son or daughter in that environment. She almost died of a broken heart when Abel was taken, she couldn't handle it again. Not with Abel, not with….

Tara looked down and her heart dropped to her stomach as she reeled...

A little pink plus sign stared back at her from three different tests. _You are pregnant_. Fuck.

**Thoughts? Should Tara tell Jax? Let me know what you all are thinking! Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi everyone! Thanks so much for following, favoriting, reviewing, PMing me and this story. Because you all have been so wonderful, I am coming up with so many SOA stories I might want to write and post more for Jax and Tara...we'll see how this one goes. If you all like it as we go forward I might think about it some more. Anyway, again, thank you thank you thank you! **

**Okay everyone, we are going to be some time jumping through Tara's move and pregnancy, so we can get to the interesting Jax and Tara moments all the more quickly.**

And Then What

Chapter 4

*******Four Months Later*******

Tara

Tara reached for another chart and began reviewing it, making notes on surgical studies she would want to read through before discussing the case with Dr. Bloom. She rubbed her lower back as the baby put strain on her lower back.

"Your consult is ready, Dr. Knowles," the nurse said, interrupting her stream of thoughts.

Tara smiled and nodded in appreciation and grabbed the chart she would need.

It had been four months since she moved to Portland. She loved the town, the hospital, her new mentor. She loved pregnancy, despite the question that continued to plague her…_.Do I tell Jax?_

Her head and heart hadn't weighed in on that question. Tara thought about it every day. She tried to push it out of her mind, to focus on her work, but she couldn't. At her job, she was surrounded by children and their parents. She would look into the dad's faces as she discussed their children and she couldn't help but think,_ Jax has a right to know…_

Tara walked into the room, greeting the parents. This case was also going to be hard for her because the patient, a six year old boy, had the same genetic flaw that plagued Gemma and her family...which meant Tara's own son might exhibit the same condition.

That...scared the shit out of her. Unlike Wendy, Tara had done everything right once she realized she was pregnant with her son. Despite that, her son might still be at risk, like Abel. Like Jax. Like his brother Thomas, who had eventually succumbed to the condition. The thought that her baby might meet that same fate…

_No_...her head and heart demanded, _We won't let him meet that fate_, they insisted. Tara gave an imperceptible nod to herself. She would do anything to keep her baby alive and happy.

As she looked across the exam room, she studied the parents of the sick boy she was tending to today. They held each other's hand...the anxious looks they gave each other as they thought about their son.

Tara wanted someone to share those burdens, that worry with. She was scared to do this alone.

_Call him._..her heart said. Tara flinched at the inner edict. It was the first thing she had heard from her heart or her brain in a long time. Her heart was...traitorous, especially when it came to Jax. She had no trust in it anymore.

_He deserves to know. And you have seen him with Abel...he would be a wonderful father_...her heart argued.

Jax might be so many things, but Tara had to admit that he was a wonderful, fiercely loving father.

But if he knew, would it change anything?

She knew he would care about the baby, but would Jax try to make her go back to Charming? Because she wouldn't. As much as she wanted her son to grow up with a father and brother like Abel, she couldn't put her baby in danger by returning to that poisonous town.

And Tara knew Jax would never leave Charming. He was stuck there, bound by a sense of duty and loyalty to Samcro. She thought she understood when she was young, hell even when she returned after ten years, but as she got to know the Jax all over again, she realized...she had never had any idea what it was really all about.

If she had, maybe when Gemma warned Tara off as a teenager she would have listened.

Gemma was another concern. Once she knew about the pregnancy...oh boy. Tara didn't know how that woman would react. She would definitely expect Tara to return. According to Gemma, any child of Jax's, belonged to Gemma. Tara's baby would be no different.

Tara realized she was biting her lip in concern, and she looked up to see the parents of her patients looking downright terrified that her concern might be for their son.

Tara quickly schooled her features and said, "Sorry, this baby has been doing Irish jigs on my bladder all day!" she joked, to soothe their worry. They both cracked relieved smiles and even chuckled at her joke.

"Your son is doing fine," she said gently, patting the boy's back softly as he smiled shyly up at her.

Tara walked out of the consult shaking her head.

_Not at work_, Tara scolded herself, reminding herself she couldn't bring this mess into her job and let it affect her work.

Tara checked her watch and sighed. It was time to go home. When Tara found out she was having a baby, she had called the realty company in Portland and said she needed to change her search for a two bedroom. They had called back and said they had an amazing place available for her and very close to the hospital.

Tara walked to her apartment, lightly stroking her belly as she rolled the same question she had been asking herself over and over again.

The fact was this, she couldn't trust her heart because most of the time it was an idiot and her head maintained military silence, forcing her to make her own mind up.

As she stroked her belly, she decided there was one more person she could ask.

"What do you think, baby?" she murmured, "Do you think we should let him know?"

The kick she felt against her hand stopped her.

What would it be like for her little boy to grow up without a father? Tara knew there would come a day when her son would ask her about Jax...ask who he was...why they weren't together. How they ended up so far from each other. How would she answer? Would her son go looking for Jax? In Charming?

The thought terrified her. Would he be drawn into the very thing that she was trying to protect him from now?

_No, you can't let that happen_...her head said. Finally! There was only one thing to do to prevent that from happening.

Tara quickened her pace to her apartment, but she knew she would need something before she did all this. She stopped into a drugstore and looked for a cheap burner phone. She wasn't going to let anyone from charming know where she was until she had some kind of idea about the reaction she was going to get.

Jax

Months...it had been months. Tara was not in Chicago. He had just returned from there, not believing she had jumped again. Where the hell was she?

Jax knew now he needed to go further. He had hoped that he could go to Chicago Presbyterian and find her there, but now he knew he would need to go further to find his Tara.

As Juice pulled up to pick him up from the airport, he climbed in and silence fell over the car. The club, excluding Clay, thought the reason behind his absence was a run to one of the charters in Missoula, Montana, when in reality it had been to search for Tara. Jax knew the club probably suspected the ruse, but didn't say anything.

The longer that Tara was gone, the more detached he became. He was a member of the club in name only. He never went to church meetings, he never went on runs. Clay was furious with him and his mother beside herself with worry. Her worry turned to anger. Anger at him, but mostly to Tara.

Jax made feeble efforts to get Gemma to not put the blame on Tara, knowing that she would never blame him.

"How was Montana man?" Juice asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Montana," Jax replied.

Juice nodded and glanced at him, but decided to remain silent.

"I need your help, Juice," Jax said, cutting through the bullshit.

Juice looked at him again, his eyes darting between Jax and the road.

"I need help tracking down Tara," Jax said softly, wondering how this would look to Juice.

Juice focused back on the road and Jax wondered what he was thinking.

"I need to know she is safe," Jax murmured, his mind wondering if she was happy. Safe. Healthy.

"If I track her down, what will you do?" Juice asked, uncertainly.

_What will I do? _Jax wondered, looking at Juice quizzically. What the fuck did this guy care what he did with that information?

Juice looked at him and sighed, "If I help you, are you going to go and hurt her? For leaving?"

"Jesus, no," Jax growled, fury emanating off him in waves that anyone could ever think that, "I just...fuck, you think I would hurt my old lady?"

Juice remained silent and then said, "Well, you _did _hurt her. But I am scared that if I give you the information you need that you will hurt her physically this time."

Jax snarled at Juice and in a scathing voice said, "Pull over."

Juice looked at him in shock, but did as he was told.

Once the car was stopped on the side of the highway leading back into Charming, Jax said in a deadly calm voice, "I would kill anyone who ever laid a hand to Tara. I hurt her to push her away, thinking it was for the best. For her."

Juice looked at him and studied him for a few moments, then nodded.

"She's a good girl," Juice said softly, looking down at the steering wheel.

Jax studied him and realized he wasn't the only man to care about his Tara.

Jax only nodded in response.

"Maybe it would be better if you let her have a chance at happiness. She can't get that here in Charming, Jax," Juice said, his eyes terrified and brave at the same time. Jax could see it took all his courage to tell Jax something Jax already knew. Juice was smarter than they gave him credit for it seemed.

Jax looked at him and then down at his lap, fingering a hole in his jeans.

"I know," Jax replied, "But it doesn't change the fact that I need to know she is okay. She won't be hurt by me. I promise."

Juice looked him over, searching for something in Jax's expression that told him he could trust him on this. He nodded when he found it and said, "It might take a while."

Jax only nodded. He had waited months. He could wait a little longer...hopefully. He felt like he only had enough sanity left to search for Tara and take care of Abel.

"Keep this between us," Jax said. Juice nodded as he pulled back onto the highway.

They were silent for the rest of the ride, but as they pulled into the compound, Jax stopped him from leaving the car.

"Juice," Jax said, "If I wanted to, I could get another hacker to do what I want. Remember that."

The threat was there, though it was soft. Juice only nodded, recognizing it for what it was.

Tara

Tara sat cross legged on her bed and stared down at the burner phone. When she left Charming six months ago, she had never expected to reach out to anyone or anything in that town ever again.

Now, her hand shook as it was forced to confront the very man she had run from. With her other hand cupping her swollen belly, reminding her why she was doing this, she grabbed the phone and called the house number.

"Yeah," a disgruntled Gemma answered the phone. Why was she there? _Abel_, Tara thought to herself...Gemma had unknowingly answered the other question that kept her up late at night. Abel must be safely home again, watched over by his protective grandmother.

Tara's mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to do. Before she could make up her mind, she chickened out and hung up. Tara gasped in fear as she dropped the phone to the bed as if it would bite her. Just hearing that voice brought it all back. The pain, the fear..._the Charming effect_, she thought sarcastically.

A kick to her stomach reminded her why she was doing this. Tara inhaled and called the house again, mustering all the bravado she had.

"Alright you little shit," Gemma answered again, "If you don't stop pranking this house, I will find you and bury you."

Ooh, she was mad.

"Gemma," Tara said, after bolstering her courage and bracing herself for a variety of reactions.

"Who the hell is this?" Gemma asked, annoyed.

"It's...T-Tara," Tara responded, her voice shaking.

"Tara?" Gemma gasped in shock.

Tara remained silent and waiting, for what she didn't know.

"Is Jax there?" Tara finally asked, reminding herself why she called.

More silence.

"Gemma?" she asked, looking at the cheap burner phone. Did the piece of crap disconnect the call?

"You gotta lot nerve, honey," Gemma spat through the phone. The barb in her voice was so sharp Tara felt like she had been pricked through the phone.

"Gem-"

"No," Gemma snapped, "You stay away from my son. You stay away from Charming. If you don't, I promise you will not get off as easily as last time."

The line was cut and went dead.

Tara looked at the phone in shock. She certainly hadn't expected _that _reaction. What the hell?

Tara sat and stared at the phone wondering what she should do…

"You got any ideas?" she murmured to her bump, rubbing it warmly.

Either her baby boy was sleeping or he was siding with her heart and her head at the moment and dooming her to their silence.

"Traitor," she murmured down at the bump. She smiled and rubbed her belly, loving the hell out of her little one. Only his presence inside of her could motivate her to call the next number.

"It's Tig," he answered.

Tara sighed and said, "I need to speak to Jax."

"Tara?"

"Yeah, hey Tig, is Jax around?" she asked, clearing her throat. This wasn't nearly as terrifying as speaking to Gemma, but she reminded herself that Tig was close with Gemma. _Very _close.

"He is on a run. Won't be back for a couple days," Tig answered, his voice...off. Stiff.

"Oh," Tara said, "Well, I...guess I will just call back." Sounded like business as usual for Jax. What did she expect though?

Silence...man, the Samcro crew was being awfully quiet. So unlike them.

"Tig," she said, before she hung up, "Don't tell him I called."

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Tig said, hanging the phone up.

Well, maybe Charming had broken up with her too. She looked at the phone and decided she could wait a few days.

Tara turned out the lamp on the bedside table and crawled under the covers.

"Oh now you're awake, when I am ready to go to bed," she grumbled as her baby moved inside of her. She rubbed her belly soothingly, sending all her love into her actions. She loved this child. And even though she was happy, there was a pang in her heart missing her Abel.

Tara rubbed her belly, thinking her phone conversations over tonight.

From the time she had been young, Tara had stuck mainly to herself. She never trusted anyone or let them in. Until Jax. And boy was _that _a fucking mistake. Even here in Portland, she had nobody she could call friend here. Coworkers and colleagues, yes. Friends, no. Not that they hadn't reached out to her. They had, but she just wanted to focus on work and her son, growing inside her belly.

She wondered now how Jax would respond...would he want to be a part of their son's life. Probably. Would he respect her decision to stay in Portland...away from Charming? Would he want to get back with her for the sake of the baby? That wasn't happening. She couldn't trust him. Not anymore.

Tara's head was usually a jumbled mess as she lied in bed, night after night, but tonight she was exhausted from the emotional toll this day had taken. Her body finally took over and shut down, putting her in a deep sleep.

*******One Month Later*******

Jax

Jax waited impatiently for Juice to update. One day, about a month after his initial request, Juice motioned for Jax to talk to him. They were just being released from a mandatory church meeting. Jax's presence had been ordered by Clay himself.

"Have you found something?" Jax asked Juice in a hushed voice.

Juice nodded and Jax pulled him to the back, where the dorms were. He pulled Juice in one and motioned for him to speak.

"She is in Portland. It wasn't that hard to track her. She is a big calling card for that hospital because of her surgical skill level," Juice said, handing him a folded up paper. Jax unfolded it and looked at a newsletter from Providence Med, announcing the exciting arrival of Dr. Tara Knowles, _Pediatric Surgeon and Specialist_.

The picture was small, but Jax studied it. It was a shot of Tara in a lab coat holding a baby and giving a small smile to the camera. The smile didn't touch her eyes. It was obviously a PR shot she hadn't wanted to take. _Maybe because she knew it might be found by him_...a voice said in the back of his mind.

"That's not all," Juice said nervously. Like he didn't know if he should tell Jax the other tidbit of info he found.

"What?" Jax asked, his interest piqued. What else could there be? He had only asked one thing. A location.

"I monitor the calls in the clubhouse and our homes," Juice said, stating the obvious. Jax wrinkled his brow and nodded, knowing as IO Juice did that for the protection of the club. But why he was bringing it up now was beyond him.

"So?" Jax said, urging him on.

"Calls were made into your home and into the clubhouse about a month ago and then about a week and a half ago. Cell towers pinged the locations from Portland. Calls didn't last very long," Juice said, looking at him.

"Are you saying Tara tried contacting me?" he asked, incredulous, ""At different times?"

Juice shrugged, "It could be anyone from that area trying to get ahold of anyone here, but...what are the odds?"

Jax crinkled the article up in his fist in anger and then asked, "The number?"

"Burner cell," Juice said, "But I wrote it on the back of that article in case she hasn't ditched it." Tara...how clever. She was learning more from him than he had realized.

Jax relaxed his grip and smoothed the paper out and looked at the number. Could it be as simple as calling her?

Jax clapped Juice on the shoulder in appreciation, hoping he understood how grateful he was.

He then left the dorms and headed out into the bar area, where most of his brothers still lingered.

"Anyone get any calls I should know about? Within the past month or so?" Jax hollered over the crowd, pointing to the phone behind the bar.

Silence fell over the room.

"Nobody?" Jax roared in anger, feeling his patience funnel out of him as he looked around at the stoic faces of the Samcro crew.

Clay, sensing Jax's barely concealed fury, came up and asked, "What's this about?"

"Tara called. Someone here spoke to her," he said loudly so everyone could hear, "Who the hell was it?"

"Me."

Jax spun and his eyes landed on Tig, sitting on a barstool with a croweater touching his thigh suggestively. He stalked towards him and gripped his leather.

"Why the hell didn't you say anything?" Jax seethed, brushing off the hands that tried to pull him off Tig.

"She asked me not to," he said, simply, gripping Jax's wrists and pulling them off his leather.

Jax looked him over and said, "That doesn't make any sense. Why would she ask for me and then tell you not to tell me she called?" Tig's silence and nonchalant shrug only infuriated him more. Was Tig telling the truth?

Jax scowled at Tig, "I know Gemma talked to her too, you better not be bullshitting me because of her."

"I'm not. Tara called, asked for you, and after I told her you weren't here, she asked me not to tell you she called," Tig said. Jax could tell Tig was telling the truth. Well, he thought he was.

Jax studied Tig for a few moments, silence in the clubhouse wondering what was going to happen.

"Anything else?" Jax asked.

Tig shook his head and Jax turned and stalked out of the clubhouse. He grabbed the keys to his bike and climbed on, despite Clay yelling for him to go back to the clubhouse.

Jax sped to his house, where Gemma was watching Abel.

He parked his bike, determined to get to the bottom of this.

"Mom!" he called out as he entered.

"Christ Jax," Gemma scolded coming out from Abel's room, "Quiet down. I just got him down for his nap!"

"Did you talk to Tara?" he said, leveling her with a look so intimidating, Gemma knew she couldn't lie.

"Shit," Gemma said, rolling her eyes and putting her hand on her hips. Jax lifted an eyebrow for an explanation.

"Baby, you don't want to go down this road again. That bitch is trouble," Gemma said adamantly.

"I didn't ask you what your opinion was," Jax snapped, "I asked if you talked to her."

Gemma nodded and said, "You obviously know the answer. Yes, she called here."

"Why didn't you tell me? You know I have been trying to track her down," Jax said, advancing slowly on her.

"I didn't want her to come back and fuck anything up. It has been better since she had been gone," Gemma responded, imploring him to understand.

"Better for who? Me? Abel?" Jax said, seething, "Because that isn't true. Abel needs Tara. I need Tara. No, this was only better for you, so you can control things how you want them."

"You said you outgrew that needy bullshit," Gemma sneered.

Jax straightened his spine, his eyes flashing.

"You're right," he said in a quiet voice, but Gemma knew by his tone she hadn't won, "I have outgrown the 'needy shit'."

Silence filled the room and Gemma seemed wary as she listened for what came out of her son's mouth next.

"I don't just need Tara, I _want _her. I _want _her as my wife. My old lady. I _want _her as Abel's mother. The mother of all my children I will have with her," he said seriously, his eyes never leaving his mother's.

Gemma shook her head in disgust.

"What I don't need anymore, Mom," Jax said, "Is you."

Gemma winced at the matter-of-fact tone in her son's words.

"If you can't accept Tara, I won't allow you to be near me or my son," Jax said, slowly and deliberately, hoping it sunk in her head. Gemma had been pushing Jax since he was sixteen years old when it came to Tara. And Jax was done fighting with her.

Gemma's eyes filled with tears as she took in her son's dead serious face. She clenched her jaw and said, "Fine."

Jax sighed and rubbed his face.

"What did she say when she called?" he asked, after giving Gemma a few moments to clear her eyes of tears.

"Nothing," Gemma said.

"Nothing?" Jax asked skeptically.

Gemma glared at him and said, "She tried to talk, asked for you, but I warned her off you."

Jax scowled and closed his eyes.

"Jesus Christ," he sighed in annoyance and frustration.

Gemma lowed herself so she was perched on the coffee table.

"So you would keep me from Abel..._for_ _her_?" she asked, still shocked by that news.

Jax waited until she met his gaze before nodding. Tara was a part of him. If his mother couldn't accept that part of him, she couldn't be allowed in their life.

"So what are you going to do?" Gemma asked after a moment.

"I am going to Portland," Jax said.

"Oregon? Why?" Gemma asked, confused.

"That's where Tara is," he said before heading down the hall to the bedrooms. Jax slipped into Abel's room and hovered over his crib. Jax gently brushed his soft blond hair, smiling down at his sleeping boy.

"I am going to go get her and bring her back," he promised in a whisper.

Jax brushed his lips against his forehead and then left the nursery.

He went to his room and grabbed his bike bag he used for long road trips. Jax threw some clothes inside along with a gun he kept for road trips and a stack of cash.

His mom was still in the living room, possibly contemplating everything Jax had warned her about.

"I am going to Portland. I assume you are okay to take care of him?" Jax asked, knowing she wouldn't have Abel with anyone else.

Gemma nodded and for the first time since he walked in the house, the corner of her lip lifted into a weak smile, "Of course, baby. Bring her back."

Jax nodded and left, strapping his bag to the back of his bike securely before slipping his helmet on. He roared his bike to life and sped out of Charming, facing an eight hour trip.

Tara

"Come on, Thomas," Tara practically whimpered as she rocked him. He was sobbing and writhing in her arms and she felt tears of frustration and exhaustion sting her eyes. She also felt like a terrible mom...like she couldn't even get her own baby to sleep.

He wasn't hungry, didn't need a change, he had been burped...what did he need?

Tara set him down on the bed and wracked her brain for a solution. Maybe there was something medically wrong with him? Tara touched his tear stained cheeks and didn't note a fever. Not medical. She wished...she wished she had a mom to call. That thought made Tara really start to cry.

She picked him back up and tried holding him in various soothing positions to no avail.

The doorbell to her apartment rang and she knew it had to be her neighbors complaining...and she didn't know what to tell them. She couldn't soothe her own child…

Tara wiped the tears with the back of one of her hand and then answered the door, already apologizing, but stopping short...she almost dropped Thomas she was so shocked. Jax…

Jax looked just as shocked, even though he was the one who rang her doorbell at two in the morning.

"Jax," Tara gasped, hugging a screaming Thomas to her chest, "Wh-what are...you doing here?"

Jax looked down at Thomas, and her stomach lurched..._Oh yeah, this is your son_….

Tara didn't know why, but she burst into tears again, no longer knowing who is making a bigger production, her or Thomas.

She holds the door open for Jax, who after a second of looking between her and Thomas, steps in.

Tara juggled Thomas who was crying relentlessly against her neck and shoulder as she tried to wipe the tears and snot from her face. _Guh...what a mess I am_, she thinks to herself.

Jax, seeing her hands full, slowly walked to Tara and then reached for Thomas. Tara holds her son tightly to her chest in fear for a moment, but knows no harm will come to him, so she gives him over.

Thomas miraculously stops crying as soon as he is held by Jax. As if he knows he is his father.

Jax is transfixed by the little boy. Tara's ears are ringing from the silence that Jax has brought to her apartment. She wipes her eyes and nose on her sleeve and watches as Jax studies Thomas in fascination, as if looking for something...evidence. Evidence that Thomas is his.

_Who else's would he be?_ Tara thinks at him, but doesn't say it. She doesn't want to piss him off and right now she is so relieved by the silence from her son, she would do anything to keep him quiet.

"He's…?" Jax trailed off, looking at her finally, his eyes full of questions. Questions she couldn't answer tonight...she was too tired. And so was Thomas.

Tara nodded, still trying to get control of her own emotions.

Jax looked back down at the baby, who was studying Jax just as hard as Jax studied him.

"He looks like me," Jax noted, "Except his eyes. And his hair is a little darker."

"Studies have shown that babies often resemble their fathers their first couple years of life, so that fathers can recognize themselves in their offspring...theory is that the human species has adapted that way so there are higher survival rates…." Tara said, trailing off as Jax listened to her intently, but confused. _Why the hell was she talking about this? _she wondered to herself.

She was almost delirious with fatigue and her nerves were shot.

Jax and Tara looked at each other for a long time, before Thomas gurgled and sounded like he was going to fuss again.

Jax looked at his surroundings and noted the couch. He sat on it, cradling Thomas to him tenderly.

"His name is Thomas," Tara said in a soft voice, causing Jax to look at her.

"Thomas," he whispered down into the face of her son..._their_ son. Named after Jax's brother.

Tara had elected to have Thomas checked prenatally for the condition that afflicted the Teller family. Gemma, Jax, Thomas… when she found out her son didn't have the condition, that his heart was strong and healthy and whole...the relief….it was overwhelming.

She thought of all the men in her life. Jax. Her father. Opie. Any and all of the Samcro crew. Teachers and mentors...none of them displayed the strength that Thomas did. That sweet boy...Tara didn't understand how Gemma had lived through the loss of her son.

She could think of no better person to name her son after. And she knew it would mean the world to Jax.

Jax looked up at her and said one word. "Why?"

Tara sighed and said, "I tried to call you."

"You should have tried _every day_," he bit out, his voice soft so he would not to alarm Thomas to a change in his demeanor. But she could see in his eyes the anger in them. The accusation.

Tara looked at him and said, "I don't need this, Jax...not now. I haven't slept in...fuck, I don't even know how long. I am exhausted, sore, scared-"

"Why are you scared?" Jax asked, looking at her in concern.

She looked at him, leveling him with a glare.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?" she asked, both changing the subject and staying on it at the same time.

"Juice," Jax answered. Tara sighed and looked down at the ground. She was pissed, but she didn't have the energy to fight about it now.

Tara looked to a now sleeping Thomas and said, "I can take him and put him in his bed."

Jax looked down at him and then back up at her, "Can I...I want to hold him. Just a little bit more."

Tara looked at him and then nodded.

Jax studied her and Tara cringed under the inspection. She looked...terrible. She was in sweats, slippers. The neck of her tank was loose from trying to get Thomas to breastfeed. Her hair was all kinds of greasy and tangled to hell. She knew there were bags and circles under her eyes…

"You need to sleep," he said finally. It was the kindest way to say she looked like shit. Tara nodded and said, "Are you…"

Jax looked down at Thomas and for some reason...she couldn't bear to ask him to leave. She sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"Thomas' nursery isn't really set up yet," she murmured, "He has just been sleeping in the bassinet in my room. There is a day bed in there if you want..."

Jax nodded and looked down at Thomas once more.

Tara smiled a small smile, understanding what he was going through a second time now. She loved Abel…

"ABEL!" she practically barked, causing Jax to jump and Thomas to whimper as he was startled out of sleep.

Tara closed her eyes, her Abel flashing behind her eyelids as she did so. He might not be her biological offspring, but she had grown to love him like her own son. As much as she loved Thomas.

"Is he…"

"Safe. We got him back. He is fine," Jax said, reassuring her, rocking Thomas back to sleep.

Tara sighed and the only reason she wasn't crying in relief was because she was too tired to.

"Thank God," she murmured to herself.

Jax nodded, giving her an understanding smile.

"I am going to bed," Tara said, looking between Jax and Thomas, "Just...put him in my room when you are ready to crash."

Jax nodded and Tara walked towards them. She leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Thomas' head before leaving the living room.

As she snuggled into her covers, she listened for any movement outside.

When she heard Jax start singing softly, in an adorable off key voice her heart melted as she smiled tiredly up at the ceiling.

_No…_.her head barked…_No melting! He may be here...a wonderful father already, but no melting for him._

Her heart was silent…

Right now, Tara was too tired to care about what either one of them said. She closed her eyes, letting Jax's off key lullaby lull her to sleep.

**So tell me what you think! Thanks for reading and please let me know what you all think. You guys have no idea what inspiration they give me!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Two in one day! That's how happy you all have made me! I raced to get through this for you all, so I hope you like it. I warn you, it's Angst City in this chapter so enter at your own risk...but I will also remind you that it isn't the last chapter...so stay tuned if you like what I have so far!**

**Again, I want to thank all of you who have read and reviewed/PM me. You guys are the reason I am up at night thinking where I want to take this next and how I want to write these characters. Do you all like how I have written Tara and Jax? Let me know, because I am not certain…**

**Anyway, read, enjoy! And have a good weekend!**

And Then What

Chapter 5

Tara

Tara jerked away at the sound of Thomas' mewl hours later. She squeezed her eyes shut, but the heavy feeling in her boobs, almost painful, reminded her Thomas needed her.

Tara's eyes snapped open as she remembered the night before. Had Jax really come? She looked to Thomas and was even more shocked to see a sleeping Jax. He was reclining in the armchair in the corner of her room, Thomas between them.

Tara slipped from the bed and grabbed Thomas from his bassinet, cooing to him softly. She slowly made her way out of the bedroom, careful not to wake Jax.

If he had rode from Charming...shit, that must have been at least 8 hours.

She placed Thomas into a chair while she walked to the bathroom. When she turned on the light, she flinched at her appearance. A small, ashamed part of Tara had wanted to look good when Jax and her were reunited. To show him what he was missing...but all that stared back at her was a flabby, tired woman who needed a bath and a comb in the worst way. _No wonder Ima appealed to him_, she internally grumbled as she looked herself over.

Tara did her business, and then crept through the small apartment. She peeked in the nursery, wondering if Jax had started out in there and moved to be closer to Thomas.

When she looked in, Tara stopped short. The nursery...it was done. The crib setup, the changing table, the diapers, onesies, toys all put away...all of it was done with exception to some wall art that Tara had set in there to hang when she got the time. Now they leaned against the walls, as if waiting to take their place.

Thomas' squawk snapped her out of her shock. How long had that taken him, she wondered. Tara glanced at the untouched day bed and then headed to the main room where Thomas was waiting for his feeding.

She picked him up and cooed to him as she prepared to feed him. She usually never used a breastfeeding blanket in their home, but with her unexpected house guest...she needed it.

Thomas latched on quickly and drank greedily, causing some of the pressure in her breasts to lessen. She sighed in relief and relaxed against the back of the sofa, trying to make sense of things.

Tara should have guessed Jax could find her if he wanted to, but why? Why did he come? He didn't know about the pregnancy, didn't know about Thomas. Right? Surely he wasn't here for her, so why was he here?

When Jax had been ass backwards in love with her as a teen he hadn't come for her, so she never expected him to follow her now. There must be a reason...but she couldn't figure out what it could be.

Tara thought about all the questions he would have, especially the little bundle cradled to her now. She switched Thomas to her left breast, needing some of that pressure gone too.

Tara didn't notice him standing there, watching her feed their son until he stepped out of the shadow of the hallway.

She looked up at him, then down at Thomas.

"Tara," he whispered, sitting on the chair across from the couch.

She looked up at him, waiting for his questions.

"Please come back to me," he whispered, his look haggard.

Tara's eyes shot up at the request. _What_?

"Back?" she asked feeling Thomas clenching her hair in his tiny fist under the blanket.

"To Charming," he said, something off in his eyes, "To Abel. To me."

Tara sighed as he brought up Abel...Jax knew where to hit her. She never felt right about leaving her sweet Abel behind. But…

"I can't, Jax," Tara said softly, adjusting her tank top and robe as Thomas finished. She threw the blanket off her and Thomas and held him to her. He was now dozing and she couldn't help the small smile that tugged her lips as she looked down at him.

"Tara, please," he whispered, his voice sounding almost pleading.

She studied him for a moment, not knowing how to tell him...she hadn't said goodbye when she left Charming ten years ago, and she didn't know how to now. How was she supposed to tell the love of her life she wasn't returning to him? That she was choosing their son and herself over him?

"I can't," she repeated, rocking a sleeping Thomas to her.

She searched for the words to make him understand. His own words echoed through her memory…

"Do you remember when you asked me there was anything I loved so much, I'd protect it? No matter what, no matter the damage it did?" she asked.

Jax looked at her and his eyes flooded with...pure emotion. She couldn't even pinpoint what it was.

"That's...how I love Thomas. That's how I love Abel. It used to be how I loved you," she murmured, her voice thick with her own tears.

_Liar_...her heart taunted..._You still love him that way_….

"I love you, Tara," he whispered, knowing that melted her. _Used _to melt her.

Tara shook her head. How could he say that to her? Those words...did they mean nothing to him?

"You don't," she whispered, looking Jax in the eye, "Otherwise you wouldn't hurt me like you do. You wouldn't have slept with Ima or with Wendy."

Jax jerked in shock at the mention of his ex.

"Yeah," she whispered, "I know. She told me a while ago. But then she went to rehab and...I thought I could forget. I can't. Especially now. You have no respect for me or my feelings," she accused.

_Once a cheater, always a cheater_...her head said.

Jax bit his bottom lip, nearly crumbling her resolve, but the weight of her son in her arms reminded her...she needed to be a rock. For her and for Thomas.

"It was just fucking, Tara," he said, angry now.

Tara scoffed, trying to reign in her temper, "So if we were together and I slept with someone else? Would that be okay? If I told you it was fucking? Told you I thought about you every time someone was inside me?"

He flinched at her words and she knew he would be fucking irate if she fooled around on him. For God's sake, he had branded her ass, marking her as his.

"I don't deserve that," Tara said, her voice shaking in anger and hurt.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Tara," Jax whispered.

Tara studied him, not believing it. How did he think sleeping with a porn slut wouldn't hurt her?

"Yeah, well, can't change the past can we?" she asked, shrugging.

A palpable silence fell between them. Tara saw in his eyes that what she was telling him was sinking in.

"Thomas," he said, looking to her, now his eyes truly desperate.

"I want Thomas to know who you are," Tara said gently, "But I don't want him...I don't want him to be caught up in Samcro, Jax. He and Abel deserve more than a life of fear, violence, and greed. They deserve to be happy."

Jax sighed as he thought about what she was saying. Tara looked down and watched her sleeping son.

"If you take me back, if you come back to Charming-" he began, but she cut him off.

"I am _never _coming back to Charming, Jax," she promised in a hard tone, "Never. I won't do that to Thomas."

Jax looked at her in shock.

"I came back and the best thing that came out of that was Thomas," she said in a hard voice.

"I can't save Abel," she said, her voice wobbling at the realization, tears welling in her eyes. She had to sacrifice one son for the other...her own hell...her own_ Sophie's Choice _moment….

"But I can save Thomas," she whispered down at the sweet baby in her arms.

"I would never let anyone hurt them," he said, as if his tone alone could scare everyone off.

Tara smiled and looked up at him, "I know. You are a wonderful father, Jax."

He gave her a sad smile, knowing her next words.

"But it isn't enough," he finished, his voice low.

She nodded, "As long as there is a Samcro claiming your sons as their future, I can never come back."

Jax nodded, seeming to understand.

"You can come see Thomas whenever you want," she said, tears streaking down her face. She knew the decision she was making for Thomas was in his best interest, but at the same time she hated that she was the reason Thomas wouldn't have a father every day in his life.

Jax

Jax felt like he was breaking apart, piece by piece. She wasn't coming back. To him, to Abel, to Charming.

She was serious. She feared for her sons. Jax would never deny her Abel, but he couldn't give Abel up. Now that Tara was done, _really _done, all he had was Abel. And Thomas.

Part of Jax never thought that Tara and he would ever really be done….no matter how many times they hurt one another...no matter what distance they put between them. But she was standing right in front of him, looking exhausted and hurt as she read him his charges and sentenced him to life. Life without Tara.

The only comfort was knowing they would be linked, forever, by Thomas. Jax saw himself in his face, but when Thomas studied him, Jax saw only Tara. His inquisitive, thoughtful stare, his smile, his innocence. This child was some of him, but mostly Tara.

He just...Jax wanted her. He wanted them to be a family. Why was it so hard? Why did it seem so impossible?

If Jax was being honest with himself, he could understand where Tara was coming from. When he was five, it never even occurred to him to want a life outside the MC. It was expected of him from his mother and from the club. He was heir apparent.

Did he want that future for his sons? He would usually say yes in a heartbeat, but the image of Half Sac flashed in his mind. Dead on the floor. So young...his whole life ahead of him. The thought that this was Abel or Thomas' future...killed Jax. He would never survive something like that. Neither would Tara.

Jax wanted to change the club, but realistically, the violence would always be there. It was an MC. Could he possibly want that for his sons? No...maybe if the club was what John Teller had intended it to be, but not the way it was now.

"I want to stay with Thomas," Jax said, his voice losing its control as he choked out the words. It reminded him of when he fought his parents to stay with his brother, when he was in the hospital.

Tara nodded and stood, standing before him and gently lowering their son into his arms. It's wasn't what he meant, but Jax knew that Tara knew what he meant. She was wiping her tears and said, "Stay as long as you need."

_Forever_...he thought.._. I need to be here forever. With you and Thomas and Abel._

She walked back to her room and he was left with his son.

Jax sighed as he looked at Thomas, wondering about the moments he would miss being away from him. His first steps, his first words, first trip to the emergency room, first day of school, learning to ride a bike...As much as he wanted to blame Tara for making the hard choice, Jax knew he was making a choice too. The club for his family.

At least Tara was choosing their kids. She wanted to be a family, she just didn't want them in danger. Could he really be pissed at her for that?

Not for the first time lately, he cursed the rock and hard place he was in. Jax wanted to see Samcro grow into something more than a thug MC. He wanted it to go back to its roots. A community, a family, a brotherhood. But if he wanted to see that happen, he would need to sacrifice watching his son grow into a man. He touched Thomas' cheek as he slept.

Jax sighed as he realized he was making the wrong choice. The guilt, the shame, the anger, the anxiety he felt caused his tears to finally fall down his face. A couple landed on Thomas' face, causing the baby to stir. He opened his luminous blue, green eyes and fixed Jax with a stare that only worsened every feeling. The love that poured out of the kid's eyes broke him.

"I don't deserve you, son," he whispered.

And he didn't. He didn't deserve a son like Thomas or a son like Abel. He really didn't deserve Tara.

Tara and Jax had been bound since they grew up together, learning from one another and sharing their hearts. For him to have just a moment of that with her...he had felt special. _She _had chosen _him_.

But now...now his world felt like it was ending. She was willing to have him part of her life, but only for the benefit of their son. For Thomas. Tara now would only tolerate his presence. Jax knew if Thomas weren't in the equation, Tara would be gone, running to the next city or town until she felt safe again.

He had never chased her, until now. And he was glad he did.

He couldn't stay...he had Abel and he had the club...he would leave in the morning, but as he held Thomas he couldn't imagine separating himself from him. How was he to do it? Surely the pain inside would manifest physically and prevent him from leaving...there was no other way to describe this pain.

Jax watched Thomas sleep, occasionally glancing out the window, fearing the morning sunrise.

When dawn approached and the birds outside chirped. Jax slowly stood with Thomas, who was now awake and wanting a bottle. He went to the fridge, wondering if she had any bottles made up. Tara did, and he heated one up.

After feeding, changing, and kissing Thomas until he was sure he would never forget his unique baby smell combined with Tara's smell, imprinted on him, Jax lowered Thomas into the bassinet next to Tara's bed.

Tara was sleeping soundly, but he could tell she had gone to sleep crying. He regretted every tear he ever caused her.

He leaned over the bed and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and lips, choking back a sob as he tasted her lips for the last time. He loved her. He always would.

As the morning sunlight hit her face, he realized just how lovely and beautiful she really was. And he had made her doubt that…

Jax stood and walked to the bedroom door, he glanced back at his son and his...Tara was just his. Always had been. She was more than his girl, his old lady...she was just...more.

Jax sighed as he forced himself to turn and walk away. He grabbed his bag, and left her apartment and Portland, wondering if he could ever return if it wasn't to stay.

**Sooo…..? Please review your thoughts! And thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi everyone! Next chapter is up and I want to thank all of you who have given me feedback or followed/favorited this story. It has been such a wonderful response. I told myself I would wait until early next week to update, but you all are the best readers, so I couldn't resist. Hope you all are enjoy the weekend! **

**Enjoy (and keep reviewing because it makes me write faster)!**

And Then What

Chapter 6

Tara

Tara dropped Thomas off at daycare, kissing him goodbye. This was her first day back off of maternity leave and she looked around the hospital daycare apprehensively. She had been with Thomas for a month and a half now at home and she hated the thought of being parted from him.

But she knew this was a step they would need to make. Tara walked to the attendant and checked Thomas in. The attendant looked at her as if she had seen this struggle everyday...mothers letting their babies go, even for just a little while.

"Okay, Thomas, Mommy has to go to work. I will be back, baby," she whispered, kissing his soft head and handing him over to the lady. Thomas fussed minimally and Tara felt her bottom lip wobble and the tears fill her eyes.

"I will take good care of him, Dr. Knowles," the attendant, Lisa, said in a soothing, sympathetic voice.

Tara nodded and smiled and said, "Thank you."

It took her a moment, but eventually she turned and walked out of the day care. As she walked towards NICU she felt like she had won a battle...this was the first step of her letting Thomas grow up a bit. And it was hard as hell.

Tara had not seen or heard from Jax since he left a month ago. She didn't expect to hear from him either. And that was...okay. At least she could tell Thomas that his father knew of him, even loved him.

Her morning flew by. Even though she missed Thomas, it felt great to be back at work. She felt like she once again had a purpose...more than changing diapers and cleaning up spit up.

As she made her way down to see Thomas during her lunch break, her pager went off. She sighed, looking to see if it was urgent. She recognized the unit calling and found a phone, calling the extension.

"Dr. Knowles, you paged?" she asked, her voice clipped. She had told them she was going to see her son.

"Dr. Knowles, there is a man to see you here. Says it's urgent," the nurse said.

"Is he the father of a patient?" Tara asked, confused.

"No," the nurse said, muffling her voice slightly, "He has a child with him though and says the boy is your son."

Tara's heart stopped as fear raced through her. It had to be Jax. She told the nurse she would be there shortly, and she raced towards the unit.

Was Abel sick? Did he need surgery? Or his meds? What could it be? Why would Jax bring him?

Tara cursed the slow elevator and when it finally reached the floor she frantically looked around for Abel and Jax.

She spotted them sitting and Abel looked...fine. Healthy. He smiled and waved at Tara, melting her heart and her fear.

Jax spotted her and stood as she made her way towards him.

"Is he okay?" Tara asked, reaching them.

"He is fine," Jax said, "How is Thomas?"

"He is in daycare. I was just going there, actually," Tara said, looking Jax over. He looked terrible. Exhausted, worried, nervous. Scared. Jax was scared. The thought twisted her stomach.

"You want to go see him?" Tara asked.

Jax nodded, a flash of happiness reaching his eyes.

"What do we tell Abel?" Tara asked, turning back to face Jax.

Jax paused and looked her in the eyes, "That we are going to see his little brother."

Tara nodded, relieved and happy. She wanted Thomas to know Abel as his brother.

"Okay, let's go, just wait one minute," she said. Tara walked to the nurses' station and arranged for her to have the rest of the day off. She knew Jax showing up here wasn't just about Abel and Thomas meeting. If it was, he would have called...told her.

When it was all sorted she gestured towards the elevator. When they stepped in, she pushed the button to the main floor and asked, "Everything okay?"

Jax looked at her and just shrugged.

Abel tugged her lab coat playfully and Tara kneeled and smiled at him.

Abel babbled up at Tara and then pointed and clearly said in his sweet voice, "Mommy."

Tara felt like she had been hit in the chest and she looked up at Jax, who looked down at her, his gaze intense. Did Jax tell Abel she was his mom? _What the hell?_

Tara looked back down at Abel...yes, she was his mommy. It was a truth she had only ever admitted to herself...but, to have it confirmed, by Abel himself. Tara couldn't hold in the tears as she reached her hands out to Abel. He slowly stepped to her, uncertain at first and then hugged her.

The doors to the elevator opened and Tara picked Abel up, holding him to her tightly, wiping her tears.

"Oh Abel," Tara whispered in his ear.

Jax looked at her and Abel, something sad and relieved in his eyes….and the fear. It scared him. Was he afraid she wouldn't be a good mother to Abel? Why bring him then?

Tara and Jax stepped out of the elevator and walked the rest of the way to daycare.

"Dr. Knowles, I will go grab Thomas," Lisa said, eyeing Jax appreciatively. Tara refrained from rolling her eyes. She was so used to that look. The look women gave Jax. But he wasn't hers, so she had no say in the matter.

Lisa appeared with Thomas in her arms and Jax focused on him.

Tara, who was still holding Abel, gestured to Jax and Lisa handed him over.

"Lisa, I also need a consent form to sign so Thomas' father can come and see him or check him out whenever he wants," Tara said, bouncing Abel on her hip, causing him to smile.

"Sure," Lisa said. Jax turned to Tara in surprise and she shrugged, "He is your kid too."

Jax smiled and Tara and Jax both signed the form before leaving the day care.

"Can you wait here with the boys while I go change and get my purse. We can go to lunch," Tara said.

Jax nodded and Tara left him in the main lobby while she changed.

She was nervous...very nervous. When Jax was scared, it wasn't good. And for him to just show up...something was wrong. She wondered if Gemma knew he was here? She wondered if Gemma knew Abel was here. Probably not.

Tara quickly changed and made her way to the main lobby. She held her hand out to Abel, who took it immediately, warming her heart.

"There's a diner just a block up," Tara said, wondering if that was okay.

"Sounds good," Jax said, looking down at her as if he wanted to say something. _What is it_? she wondered.

They walked up the street in silence, only to be broken by Jax.

"He gotten big since I saw him," Jax said, looking down at Thomas.

Tara smiled and looked down at Abel, "Abel too. He is walking and…" _Calling me mommy!_

"Putting sentences together," Tara said, settling on something less awkward.

Jax smiled and nodded, looking at his firstborn whose eyes were fixated on Tara, as if he was trying to figure her out.

The reached the diner, which was busy with lunch goers.

They were seated quickly and Tara almost laughed at the image they were. They almost looked normal. Like a family grabbing a quick lunch.

They ordered food for themselves while Thomas sucked on a bottle and Abel colored.

"Why are you here, Jax?" Tara asked, once the waitress left.

"You said I could come see him," Jax said, looking to Thomas.

Tara nodded and said, "Yeah, but that's not why you are here, is it?"

Jax looked at her and smiled, "No, it's not."

Tara lifted an eyebrow, waiting for him to talk. It never went well to push Jackson Teller. That much she was certain of.

He looked down at his hands for a moment and then back up at her as he said in a quiet voice, "I'm going in."

Tara's breath caught in her throat. _In_?

"T-to prison?" she stammered out in a whisper, so Abel wouldn't hear.

Jax nodded and she wondered what this had to do with her. Again...she waited. Because he was going to drop a bomb on her, Tara just knew it.

"I want Abel to be with you, here," Jax said, his tone serious and...desperate.

"With me?" she asked in shock.

He nodded and watched her as she took it all in. Abel to come live in Portland? How? Why her?

"I…I don't understand," Tara admitted, "What about Gemma? Charming?"

Jax only looked at her like he didn't want to talk about that. Well, if she was going to take in Abel, which she was, they were going to talk about it.

"What are your charges?" Tara asked, knowing Jax would come back to it if she led him there.

"Weapons," he said, watching her face to see her reaction.

She nodded and looked down at the table, rubbing her fingers along the metal edging on the Formica diner table.

"Made a deal," he said, bringing her attention back to him.

"A deal?" Tara said, suddenly scared, her fear and concern clear on her face. In Jax's world, making a deal meant you were a rat. Being a rat, meant death.

"Its fine," he said, leaning forward and grabbing her hand, "I promise."

Tara looked into his eyes, not seeing any deception in them.

"We are going in by the end of the week," Jax said, releasing her hand and leaning back against the booth, running his fingers through Abel's hair next to him, who stayed focused on his coloring.

Tara nodded, looking to Abel. He had already been through so much. How was he going to get through this? Losing Jax again…

"I need to know they are safe," Jax whispered.

Tara looked to him and said, "Gemma will never allow this, Jax. She'll come for him."

Jax shook his head and said, "No she won't. I will handle her."

Tara rolled her eyes. She had heard him make this promise before, yet Gemma was constantly a thorn in his side. She had been one in Tara's too until Tara decided she didn't want to deal with it anymore.

"Tara," Jax said, his voice so serious. So austere. "I don't trust anyone else."

Tara looked at him in shock and he nodded, confirming what he said.

"Not with Abel, or Thomas," he whispered, his eyes looking down to Abel and then Thomas.

"I asked Rosen to make you legal guardian for Abel," Jax said, pulling crinkled papers from the inside of his leather cut and sliding it across the table to her. "Think about it, please," he said.

Tara took the papers and unfolded them.

"I love Abel," Tara said as she looked the paper over then back up into Jax's blue eyes, "I...I held his heart in my hands. _In my hands,_" she emphasized, trying to make him see.

Jax nodded, his eyes never leaving hers, and Tara wondered if he really understood. Could he understand? She didn't think he could. The power of love she felt for his boy.

"I know, Tara," Jax said, "It's why I want him with you. You love him, like your own. He loves you too."

"Did you tell him I was his mom?" she asked, searching his face.

Jax broke her gaze and looked down at the table and nodded and said, "You're the only woman I want as his mother. Ever."

Tara held his gaze for a moment and then nodded, her eyes focusing on Abel. He was already her son. He had made her his mother with the simple "Mommy" declaration at the hospital, in the elevator. He owned her, just like Thomas did.

"Okay," she said, grabbing a pen and signing the legal guardianship forms.

She slid the paperwork back to Jax and he said, "Thank you."

Tara remained silent and he said, "I brought him here, with all his stuff he will need."

"Its all here? Now?" she asked in shock. This was happening so fast. How did he know she would say yes?

Jax nodded, "Got it in a truck parked at the hospital, in the ramp."

"How long are you in for?" Tara asked, shooting Abel a look.

"Three years," Jax said, taking Tara's breath away, "Fourteen months, good behavior."

Tara shook her head. A year.

"Jesus, Jax," she murmured, rubbing her forehead.

The waitress arrived and set their plates down. After asking them if they needed anything else, she left and Jax helped Abel pull his food apart in bite size chunks. Tara realized in a week that would be her job.

Tara tore off a corner of her grilled cheese and dunked a little bit of it in her tomato soup.

"I have money for you too," Jax said, "To help."

Tara shook her head and said, "I don't need your money."

Jax smiled and said, "I already hate that you raise Thomas on your own. I would send you money if I knew you wouldn't send it back." Damn right she would send it back.

"I am not taking any of your money, Jax," Tara said firmly, "I am a doctor and I make more than enough to support myself and two children."

Jax sighed in exasperation, shaking his head.

"How about this: if I need money, I will get in touch with the club," Tara suggested. And just like that, Charming was in fucking Portland, her safe haven.

Jax looked at her for a few minutes, considering her negotiation before nodding in agreement. Tara sighed in relief, knowing she didn't want a fight.

They ate in silence, aside from Abel holding up his picture at various stages to show Jax and Tara.

"Are you scared?" Tara asked quietly.

Jax looked at her and searched her face for something. She wanted the truth, and hoped that came across her expression.

He nodded slowly.

Tara felt her eyes well up with tears and he reached across the table, holding his hand open for hers. She placed it in his after a few moments.

"Now that I know Abel and Thomas will be here with you, it's not so much," Jax said, squeezing her hand.

Tara nodded and said, "What does Abel know?"

"He's two," Jax said, glancing at Abel and then back to Tara confused.

Tara jerked her hand out of his and said, "He may call me Mommy, but he doesn't know me, Jax. You are just going to dump him with me, without saying anything to him, and then disappear?"

Jax leaned forward and asked, "What do you want me to say, Tara? That I am going to prison? That his grandmother's too crazy for me to trust and his biological mother is a junkie? I figure the best thing I can do for Abel is give him you. I know you will make him happy and keep him safe," Jax bit out, breathing heavily as he tried to restrain his temper.

Tara was pissed too, though. She didn't like anyone hurting Abel, especially Jax.

"You need to tell him something," Tara said.

Jax pinched the bridge of his nose before nodding, "Fine."

Tara nodded and said, "Let's get out of here and go get his stuff. Get him settled and used to my apartment."

Jax nodded and pulled out a wad of bills. He threw down a couple and they walked back to the hospital. Jax said, "I'll follow you to the apartment. Where is your car?"

Tara shook her head and said, "I walk."

Jax looked at her in confusion and said, "You walk? With Thomas every day? Is that safe?"

Tara bristled at the accusation that she didn't know how to take care of herself and her child. "Is running guns safe? Or drugs? Or killing other gang members safe?"

Jax smirked and said, "Fair point, Knowles."

Tara rolled her eyes and climbed into the truck with Abel on her lap and Thomas in between them in his seat.

After the short drive to the apartment, Jax turned to Abel and said, "We are at Mommy's house Abel."

Abel looked around and Tara wondered what he was thinking.

Jax climbed out and grabbed Thomas' carrier and a couple of Abel's bags of clothes, following Tara and Abel into the apartment.

"You can set his clothes in the nursery and I'll get it sorted later," Tara said as she closed the apartment door behind Jax.

Jax nodded setting Thomas on the counter in his carrier and walking the bags to the second bedroom, where Thomas and Abel would sleep together now.

This morning Tara thought she had made a big step in just dropping Thomas off at daycare. Now she was taking on Abel as her child. She was ecstatic, but she worried about Jax.

He had hurt her, terribly. But he had also given her the thing Tara had wanted most since her mother died. A family. Two beautiful sons she loved with all her heart.

"Abel, will you color a picture for me to put on the fridge?" Tara asked, grabbing paper for him and setting him up at the table.

Abel nodded, taking the task seriously as he sat down and got to work. Jax came out of the back bedroom and smiled at Abel before looking to Tara.

"Thank you for doing this, really," he said, walking up to her. Tara nodded, realizing Jax had stepped a little too close.

She stepped back and grabbed Thomas out of the carrier.

"You look good," Jax said, smiling that devilish smile at her as he sat next to Abel at the table.

"Spare me, Jax," Tara said, smiling as she rolled her eyes.

Tara burped Thomas, knowing she still had to lose a few pounds of baby weight from him.

Jax just chuckled and said, "Seriously, you look beautiful. Are you seeing anyone?"

Tara shot him a look and he raised an eyebrow, not backing down from the question.

"No," Tara admitted, "I am not. I have been too busy for anything serious."

"Who said anything about serious?" Jax said, his eyes flashing jealously.

"That's none of your business," Tara quipped, heading to the nursery to put Thomas down for his nap.

She remained in the nursery, looking the bags over. Abel could sleep on the daybed in here...maybe she should look for a bigger apartment?

Tara listened as Jax said, "Abel, Daddy needs to go away for a while."

"Why?" Abel asked, his little voice bringing a small smile to Tara's face.

"Daddy...he just needs to go away," Jax said softly, "Do you understand?"

If there was a response from Abel, Tara either didn't hear it or Abel just nodded or something.

"I want you to stay here with Mommy, is that okay?" Jax asked Abel. Tara bit her lip nervously as she listened for his response.

There was some babble, but she clearly heard "Stay with Daddy."

Tara teared up listening to Jax releasing a pained sigh. "I know, buddy, but Mommy wants to spend time with you. And don't you love it here?"

Abel said, "Yes."

Tara wiped her eyes as she listened to the painful conversation going on.

"I love you, Abel," Jax whispered.

"Love you, Daddy," Abel said, in his little voice.

Tara walked out of the nursery to see Jax holding Abel hugging him tightly.

She gave Jax a watery smile in encouragement, nodding her head to him.

Tara sat on the couch and when spotted by Abel, he pulled away from Jax and rushed to show Tara the picture he had drawn for her fridge.

"This is so good!" Tara beamed at him, "Can you help me put it on the fridge?"

He nodded eagerly and she led him there. "Pick a magnet, and put it on the fridge."

He did and then ran back to the table to do another one.

Jax was hunched over the table and Abel stopped coloring and said, "Daddy sad."

Tara swallowed a lump in her throat and said, "Daddy is just tired Abel."

Tara walked up to Jax and put her hand on his shoulder. "Go lie down. Let me sit with Abel a bit."

Jax nodded and walked towards the back rooms, heading into the nursery.

Jax

Jax lied in the bed in Thomas' room and listened as Abel and Tara laughed as they played a game at the table. He smiled at the sound.

He knew this was the best for Abel. And he wanted the best for both his sons. The best was Tara.

Going in to prison was hard, but it was easier knowing the people he loved were here, together and happy.

Jax rolled to his side, falling asleep after a long drive and sleepless nights as this day came closer. He hated leaving Abel. Hated having that conversation with him more, but Tara was right. It needed to be done. He was exhausted, in every sense of the word.

Jax woke to a gentle cooing from Thomas. He stood and walked over to the crib, picking up the smiling baby. He was such a happy baby. But Jax could tell in a few moments he would get hungry.

He went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle, and warming it. As the bottle warmed, Jax looked out to the living room, where he spotted Tara and Abel. They had fallen asleep on the couch, snuggled together.

Jax carried Thomas to the living room, cradling him as he held a bottle to his son's mouth, who drank greedily.

Jax looked Abel over, smiling as he realized his son was already enamored with Tara...his mother. Jax could sympathize with his firstborn. Abel rested his head on her chest, tucked under her chin. That was Jax's favorite place in the world. In Tara's arms, her heartbeat against his ear.

Tara stirred, and as she moved Jax noticed Abel's arms tightening around her instinctively. _Possessive, just like his old man,_ Jax thought with a smile.

Tara's eyes fluttered open, looking down at the little boy in her arms, a small smile coming to her face as she ran her fingers delicately through his hair. Why had he fucked it up with her again?

Her eyes glanced around and spotted Jax with Thomas. She smiled at Thomas, whose eyes were fixed to Jax as he drank.

"How long you been there?" she whispered, her voice thick with sleep.

"Not long," Jax responded.

Tara nodded and said, "How long until you go back?

Jax just shrugged, "When I need to."

Tara smiled at the vague answer and Jax knew she was thinking it was just routine with him. As long as Jax was a Son, Tara would always be in the dark. It was something she had hated since they were kids.

"Let's order some dinner?" Tara said, changing the subject.

Jax nodded, pulling the empty bottle away from Thomas.

"He's a little pig," Tara said, smiling at Thomas, "He will want another bottle soon."

Jax chuckled, which woke Abel beside her.

"Mommy?" he murmured tiredly.

"You hungry, baby?" Tara whispered, smiling down at the sleepy boy in her arms. Jax smiled at her term of endearment for Abel.

Abel grumbled nonsensically before falling back asleep against her.

Tara smiled down at him and then looked to Jax. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice genuine.

Jax looked at her and nodded.

"I love you, Tara. I would do anything for you," he whispered.

Tara smiled and said wistfully, "I wish that were true, Jax." The way she said it...it didn't sound like she wanted to hurt him. She was just being honest. Tara was always honest about everything. Something Jax had never been with her.

Jax wondered what she meant, but decided to spend the little time he had with her and their sons without trying to riddle out the complex Dr. Tara Knowles.

Tara reached for her phone and ordered a pizza for them, untangling herself from Abel and sitting up. She went to the kitchen, grabbing plates, napkins and silverware.

When he came back from the kitchen, she offered Jax a beer, which he took. She smiled, sipping her own beer as she sat down, covering Abel with a little throw blanket.

"I have missed you," Jax said, missing the way she played with the ends of her hair as she thought about things.

Tara smiled and said, "Me too. More than I should."

Thomas began to fuss and Jax raised him to his shoulder and burped him after Tara threw Jax a towel.

"How are you going to handle them both on your own?" he wondered aloud to her.

Tara shrugged and said, "I don't know. I guess I'll just take it day by day. I had to find a way with Thomas. I will find a way with Abel too."

"Are you sure you won't take money?" he asked, wanting to know she was taken care of, "You could hire help."

"I can hire help now. I just choose not to," she said, "I want to raise my children myself."

She could see he was concerned and she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and saying, "Look, I will put Abel in with Thomas at daycare during the day. When I get off work, we walk home. It's not impossible Jax, just a bit complicated."

Jax nodded, the plan sounding simple. Too simple. Jax's life was so complicated, so messy he usually didn't trust something that sounded so easy. But he realized, that's what being outside Charming and Samcro was. Easy. Well, easier.

The door knocked and Jax stood to answer it as Abel woke, climbing into Tara's lap to be coddled.

He answered the door and paid the guy for the pizza.

"Not as good as Luce's," Jax said as he took a bite of the pizza.

Tara smirked and said, "I doubt you would like anything that wasn't in Charming."

"I like you," he retorted with a smirk as he took another bite.

Tara rolled her eyes as she ate with Abel on her lap, picking the pepperonis off his pizza and eating them.

"When you get out, what happens to Abel?" Tara asked, her tone suddenly going from playful to nervous.

Jax hadn't thought that far ahead. He didn't want to because he knew Tara was better for Abel than Jax.

He shrugged and said, "Not sure. I thought we would cross that bridge when we come to it."

Tara looked at him, and studied him in that way that made Jax squirm. Finally she nodded and she went back to her pizza.

"Can they come see you?" she asked, looking at him.

Jax stopped chewing his pizza, then swallowed what he had in his mouth and asked, "You would bring them? To Stockton?"

Tara seemed to weigh the thought in her head and then nodded, "Yes, I would. If you want that."

Jax nodded and said, "I will put them on my list of visitors. I'll let you know."

Tara nodded and Jax was amazed by the strength she was showing in the face of all this...crap he landed at her door.

"I am heading out in the morning," he murmured.

Tara nodded and said, "Okay."

The four of them spent the night watching TV, playing around on the floor of her living room until Thomas fell asleep in the carrier and Abel on the couch.

Tara picked Thomas up and put him to bed, with Jax on her heels with Abel.

After tucking them both in, they closed the nursery and Jax headed back to the living room to crash on the couch, but Tara stopped him.

They looked at each other for a few minutes until Tara reached for his hand and tugged it towards her.

His heart raced at her touch and he stepped closer to her. She looked up at him with those eyes...there was so much in them. And there was always some mystery to the amber depths that Jax always tried to figure out, but never could.

She angled her face up to his and he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hungrily. God, he loved her. He moaned, pulling her close, tangling his hands in her hair so he could hold her in place. No woman had ever tasted so wonderful, no body ever felt so good pressed against his.

"Tara," he panted against her lips, "I-"

"Shhh," she whispered, "I know."

Tara stepped out of his grasp, but she didn't let go of his hand and guided him back to her bedroom.

**Please review! Thanks for reading, y'all!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi everyone, thanks for the reviews and messages...and alerts and favorites! It helps keep me motivated, so keep it up...This chapter goes mature (M) so if y'all aren't into that, don't read on! For all of you who are, enjoy ;)**

And Then What

Chapter 7

Jax

Tara led them to her bedroom and he trembled in excitement. Jax _never _felt this with anyone else...pure energy just flowing back and forth. Passion, love...he could practically taste it as Tara's eyes sparkled up at him. She loved him, but he also knew she hated him for hurting her. It was something they had in common.

"Tara," Jax whispered, surprised about the amount of lust in his voice.

Tara stepped close enough to him so that the tips of her breast brushed against his chest, causing him to shiver in anticipation.

She angled her face up to his and as he leaned down to kiss her, she moved away from him, looking down between their bodies. Tara lightly ran her fingertip along his abdomen, and then gently pulled up his shirt, trailing her fingers against his skin in the same place, causing him to hiss.

"Tara," he whispered reverently, her eyes darting to his and then back to her hands. Jax was terrified to move, of spooking her….Jax didn't want her to come to the realization that he was undeserving of her touch.

Tara's fingers slowly explored their way up his abdomen, her eyes glancing to his quickly, never staying long enough for him before refocusing on her fingers' progress under his shirt and cut.

Her fingers left a trail of fire wherever they touched and Jax was literally shaking with repressed lust. He wanted her. _Badly_.

She removed her hands from under his shirt and he felt like sobbing..._don't stop, please baby_! Jax screamed at her in his head. Tara slid her hands up his chest, over his shirt, but under his cut, sliding the worn leather off his shoulders.

Jax allowed its removal, having felt its weight heavily lately. The cut was the reason that he wasn't with her. With Thomas. It was why he wouldn't be with Abel. In a few days, Jax would be in prison, but it didn't matter, because he was already in prison. Except the bars were leather not metal, with patches that used to mean something to him. Now all they stood for were the sacrifices he made for...it wasn't a brotherhood...Jax didn't know what they were anymore.

Tara looked up at Jax and he once again got lost in her eyes. He angled his face to hers again, needing to taste her lips, but once again she looked down, preventing his lips from touching hers.

"Tara," he pleaded, knowing now she didn't want his kisses.

Tara didn't respond, just removed his shirt as he lifted his arms to help her. Tara leaned in and kissed Abel's name tattooed above his heart. Jax felt it respond to her, beating frantically against his skin. It beat only for her.

"Will you wear Thomas on you?" Tara asked in a quiet whisper, her eyes glancing up at him.

Jax lifted his arm, showing her Thomas' name, elegantly scripted to reveal Thomas' place on him. She obviously hadn't noted it until now. The look in her eyes...she looked like she was about to cry, but Tara kissed Thomas' name too and continued her exploration.

Jax was powerless, frozen to the spot under her ministrations.

"I am not here," she whispered absentmindedly as her eyes searched his skin for evidence that she had marked him...she had no idea how much marked he was. Her fingertips lightly tortured him with their touch, scolding him for the absence of ink reserved for her.

"You're everywhere," he whispered huskily. It was true. Tara owned him...no ink required.

Tara looked up at him and bit her lip sadly, telling him she didn't believe what he was saying.

Tara's fingers ran down his arms, her hands gripping his hands when they reached him and pulled him towards the bed. She sat on the bed, glancing up at him before unbuckling the button on his low slung jeans and sliding them down his legs.

He kicked off his sneakers and socks before stepping out of the jeans. He stood straight once more, looking hotly down at Tara as she stared at him...at the evidence of her effect on him. It drove him out of his mind with lust.

Tara's maddening fingers continued their exploration moving gently over his hips, tracing the cuts in his muscles that made a V to his cock, which was literally pulsing for her attention.

As her fingers trailed into the hair below his belly button and down...Jax snapped. He sprang forward, tearing her shirt off of her, attacking the skin on her neck, wanting to taste her skin.

Jax whimpered against Tara's skin as he dragged his mouth to her collarbone.

"I need you, Tara," he pleaded against her chest. He doesn't see her face, but feels her acceptance as her body softened to his touch. Jax reached down and slid his hand down into her jeans, into her underwear. He groaned as he felt her warmth, her slick passion against his fingers. Tara needed him too.

Jax withdrew his hand and unbuttoned her jeans quickly, grabbing both her underwear and her jeans and sliding them off her in one move.

Tara sat up, naked before him and it took everything in him not to push her down and bury himself in her...hide from all the ugly in the world.

She pulled him down on the bed with her and she climbed on top of him, straddling his waist causing him to hiss in pleasure. He loved it this way. He got to see all of her.

She bent down kissing down his chest, kissing his nipples and flicking her tongue until he was practically bucking up in search of her. Tara took pity and straightened up, reaching between them, rubbing his already aching cock…

"Baby, please," he whispered in desperation, before Tara aligned herself with him and eased down, until he was fully sheathed inside of her.

"Oh, baby," he whispered in awe, his eyes rolling to the back of his head...she feels exquisite. Tight around him, squeezing him as she adjusts to his presence. It's like...there are no words to describe what she is like. Tara swiveled her hips experimentally, causing Jax's eyes to snap open and focus on her.

Her lips are parted and her face is angled up, her neck arched, begging to be kissed. Jax eagerly sits up, holding her tightly to him and kisses down the smooth column of her neck, neither of them moving yet, just basking in feeling connected once more.

Jax panted as he rested his forehead against hers before leaning in to kiss her, but she stopped him and he felt like crying..._why_? his eyes begged her. Tara pulled him close, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, her cheek resting against his.

The position put Tara's mouth close to his ear and she whispered, "Move, Jax."

A slave to her will at the moment, Jax wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled out of her, only to arch his hips once more into her. As he began to move inside of her, Tara's hips came to life, rolling against him enticingly. Jax felt her tremble in his hands and he shuddered in response.

Nothing in this world was more right than them like this.

Jax need more leverage and lifted Tara with him so as not to leave her. Jax rested on his heels as Tara planted her feet on either side of him. He realized as he resumed his movements that he still had to take her bra off and his hands busied with the task.

Tara rolled her hips, panting deliciously in his ear and he buried his hands in her hair, pulling her back so he could see her. Her face and chest were flushed as he thrust into her desperately. Tara's eyes were hooded with lust and passion and Jax once more leaned forward, trying to kiss her.

When her arms stiffened, keeping him at a distance his thrusts slowed and he choked out, "Why?"

Tara's eyes filled with tears and he slowed his hips to a stop, resting in her.

"Please, baby," he said, rubbing her back soothingly, "Tell me."

Tara looked at him and in a thick, emotional voice, "I can't bear it"

Jax looked at Tara in alarm as tears sparkled in her eyes and waited for her to explain, but she didn't. Jax resumed his thrusts, needing a release. Knew she needed one too.

"Hang on tight, Tara," he whispered against her shoulder as he pounded into her. Tara moaned with each thrust and he groaned as he felt his release gathering low in his back, shooting to his balls causing them to tingle in anticipation. Tara obliged him, tightening herself to him...becoming _apart _of him. He would take her everywhere with him.

As Tara tightened around him the way he had wanted, Jax swelled inside of her calling her name, "Tara, oh baby, God yes!"

Tara and Jax clung to each other as they rode out their orgasms and when he felt her go limp against him, sated and exhausted, he pulled back, still holding her close.

Tara's eyes were closed and Jax rolled them so they were lying on the bed, facing each other.

He ran his fingers through her hair, kissing softly all over her face, worshipping her.

They laid there is silence, catching their breaths. Jax felt the space between them and scooted closer to her, pulling her to him, even though she stiffened at his actions. Jax frowned, but she eventually relaxed against him.

"What did you mean?" Jax asked gently, knowing she would know what he was referring to.

Tara was silent and he waited for her to tell him. _What couldn't she bear? _he wondered. To kiss him? Was it about Ima? He had _never _kissed that whore.

"I can't bear to get lost in you again," Tara whispered, her lower lip quivering, "I barely got out in one piece the first time. I could never do it again."

Tara sat up and Jax's eyes followed her as she reached for her robe. As she slipped it on, Jax froze as he noticed...his crow on her lower back. It was gone. Finally he understood Tara's earlier statement regarding his tattoos..._I am not here_…

Tara

Tara headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, wondering what led her to sleep with Jax, but she already knew deep down why. He was going to prison. Jax had hurt her so bad, but it didn't change the fact that she loved him...she cared about him and he was going to be locked away from her, from their children for at least a year, maybe more. Tara felt like she needed to connect with him as much as possible before he was taken from her.

She leaned against the counter as she took another sip, feeling him approach her from behind.

"You had it removed?" he asked, his tone full of hurt and shock.

Removed? _Oh the crow…_

Tara turned and looked at him, surprised at his reaction. Did he really care about the tattoo so much? _Yes_, her heart whispered, _Just like you care he doesn't have something of you on him_.

Tara nodded, looking down at the table and said, "I tried to get rid of every part of you there was in me...the tattoo was the only thing I could get rid of, even though I tried to get rid of everything else too."

Jax looked at her, his gaze so intense as he studied her. _What are you thinking right now?_ she wondered as she looked back at him.

He was suddenly in front of her, gripping her face in one hand gently but firmly while his other hand snaked around her waist, his hand pulling her as close to him as he could get. Jax's blue eyes flashed before he kissed her..._ferociously_. It was _not _a nice kiss. It punished Tara for hurting him. She whimpered against his lips, but it only encouraged him as he delved deeper.

Jax was claiming her with his mouth...he knew _that _was why she refused to kiss him earlier and he was claiming her anyway. Tara was terrified but also full of passion and lust as he demanded her lips and her heart.

Just as she started to respond to his kiss, he released her lips abruptly and bit out through clenched teeth, "You are _mine_." Jax spun her around, trapping her against the counter, pressing his erection into her ass, and Tara shivered in pleasure due to his rough handling of her.

"You can erase me _here_," he bit out furiously, placing his hand against her lower back where the tattoo had been, "But you can't _here_," he said, touching her chest, right above her heart.

Jax untied her robe hastily, bending her over the counter and entering her quickly from behind. Tara gasped in shock, but arched her back to take him deeply. _Jesus, he feels fucking good_, she thought as she closed her eyes.

"I won't let you," Jax growled out, pumping into her quickly. Tara gasped as he reached to her front and massaged her clit ruthlessly, forcing her to hurdle towards a finish.

Tara scraped against the marble surface of her kitchen counter looking for something to hold onto as he rode her furiously, but found nothing. Her orgasm was already a storm, ready to blow her away.

Jax kissed along her neck and shoulders, causing her to shiver in ecstasy.

"Oh Jesus Christ Tara," Jax moaned as his thrusts slowed a moment, giving two long, slow deep pumps that caused Tara's knees to almost buckle. Jax held her up by her hips and began his vigorous pace once more and his hand traveled from her breasts back down to her clit. He was showing her no mercy.

Tara cried out as she felt herself quake around him...lights bursting behind her eyes and the coil that had slowly been building pressure low in her stomach sprung haywire and Tara was deaf and blind as she came..._hard_. Really fucking hard….

….

….fucking hell, that was _hot…_..

…

The sound that brought her back to coherent thought was Thomas' cries. Jax and Tara were propped against the counter, Jax laying heavily on top of her groaning and panting as he tried to catch his breath. Obviously it had been a doozy for him too.

Tara felt him still inside her and she moaned before she managed to gasp out, "Jax….Thomas…."

He nodded, kissing her neck before gently pulling out and pulling his boxers up. After making sure she wouldn't fall to the floor, he went to the nursery to calm their sleeping son.

Tara stayed half on top of the counter to regain her muscles, just then realizing it was wet. _What the..._then she remembered her water. She must have knocked it over. Tara tried to find feeling in her legs and when they finally were able to support her weight, she reached for a paper towel and mopped up the mess.

Jax reappeared with Thomas, who had big watery eyes and an adorably little pout on his lips. Tara hastily tied her robe, covering herself after being so thoroughly fucked in her kitchen, her kids in just the next room.

Thomas reached a hand to Tara and Tara went to him on wobbly legs. As Jax handed him over, Tara stood on tiptoes and pecked his lips softly, surprising him but also bringing a smile to his face.

Tara took Thomas to the living room and sat on the couch, pulling the neckline of her robe down as she fed Thomas. Her nipple was sensitive from all the sex, but eventually, she calmed as she looked down into Thomas' beautiful face...there was something so calming about breastfeeding. Was it like this for all nursing mothers? It was as if they were building a bond that would last forever during these moments.

Tara looked up at Jax to see he was watching her in fascination...then it hit her that he had never seen this with Abel. Wendy had been too strung out to take care of him like this.

She shifted him to her other breast and Jax looked at her, clearly wanting to know why.

"I told you," Tara said, smiling, "He is a little pig. It also relieves the pressure for me."

Jax smiled and murmured, "You look beautiful like that."

Tara blushed in embarrassment and looked back down to Thomas, whose eyes were hooded with sleep once more.

Eventually Thomas' succumbed to sleep, releasing her from his suckling mouth. Tara readjusted her robe and handed him to Jax, who greedily took him from her and burped him lightly, so as not to wake him.

She didn't know how long they sat there, staring at each other and the only reason they stopped was because Abel appeared, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

He paused only a moment, taking in his surroundings, then walked on wobbly legs to Tara and crawled into her lap, snuggling into her chest. Tara rested her chin on top of his head, rubbing his back soothingly as he fell back asleep.

Jax and Tara glanced at each other happily as they had this amazing family moment. Jax stood, walking towards her and sitting next to her on the couch, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he held Thomas in the other. Tara snuggled against him, replicating Abel's position against Jax, making sure to not jostle either boy.

She sighed in pleasure, knowing this would be painful later. Tomorrow Jax would be gone, and she would be raising their family by herself. It scared the shit out of her and she should be making plans about how she was going to make it work.

But she didn't. Tara decided to enjoy them together, with their boys, even if it was for just a moment. Jax kissed the top of her head and she angled her face to his.

Jax's eyes met hers, his blue eyes piercing her like they always did. He smiled down at her before leaning forward and kissing her lips lightly. Tara returned the kiss before pulling away and resting her head on his shoulder, nuzzling him there.

Tara pretended for just a moment, that this was their life...come back after a long day from work and…

The reality coming back hurt…Jax was going to prison...he could be hurt in there. He could die. Tara shuddered and he angled her face up to his. His eyes looked into hers and after a minute, he leaned forward and kissed her cheeks, which were now covered in tears.

Jax rested his forehead against hers as he closed his eyes, as if her tears were painful to him.

"I love you, Jax," she whispered, her voice hoarse from her tears.

"I love you too," he whispered gruffly, kissing her lips softly as he pulled her closer once more.

**So they had a bit of a reunion...what did you all think?! I am shocked there weren't more sex scenes between Jax and Tara on the show. I mean...if I have to watch Gemma get fucked by Nero, why can't we see Jax and Tara...damn you KS! Anyway, I hope I did them justice. Let me know if you think I did!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi everyone! Hope everyone is having a great weekend! Took a bit of a breather since this week was a stressor, but I decided to post for your weekend enjoyment! **

**Please keep up all the amazing feedback! You don't have any idea how helpful and meaningful it is to me. Thank you!**

**Enjoy this looong chapter! It's a bit different than my other ones so I am anxious to see what you all think!**

And Then What

Chapter 8

Tara

Tara woke to the shrill sound of her phone and scrambled to get it before it woke Abel and Thomas.

Months had passed since Jax had left to turn himself over to the police and was admitted as Stockton's newest inmate.

She grabbed her phone and quickly extracted herself from Abel, who never slept a full night in his bed. He always climbed in with Tara and wrapped himself around her like his father used to do.

She quickly and quietly left her room and walked to the living room, answering the phone. It was the middle of the damn night. Who would be calling? She wasn't on call for the hospital, so who the hell was calling her?

"Hello?" she said, her voice raspy with sleep.

"Is this Dr. Tara Knowles?" the voice asked, causing a shiver to run up Tara's spine. She knew whatever this was, it wasn't good.

"Yes, speaking," she confirmed quietly, her eyes shooting to Thomas' room and then to her room, where Abel slept.

"My name is Officer Hanley, I am calling from Stockton Correctional Facility regarding an inmate, Jackson Teller, who has you listed as his emergency contact," the voice said.

Tara's mouth dropped open and she asked, "Oh. I-is he okay?" Why would he make her his emergency contact? She was eight hours away!

"Mr. Teller was involved in a prison riot and ended up injured with contraband material by one of the other inmates. He is being treated now," Officer Hanley informed her.

"What were his injuries?" Tara asked, slipping into doctor mode, trying to forget that it was Jax she was talking about.

The voice grumbled, but Tara knew he was bound by law to discuss this with her as Jax's emergency contact.

"Inmate was stabbed in the external intercostal muscles between the eighth and ninth ribs," the voice rattled off, not expecting her to understand...well, she understood. She was a fucking surgeon. She knew then that Jax was in danger. Someone had tried to stab her..._no, not hers, _Tara reminded herself, Jax hadn't been hers for a while... someone tried to kill Jax, hoping to puncture a lung or heart.

"How much blood was loss?" Tara asked, wondering if Jax needed a transfusion.

"Almost 10 mg," the man, Mr. Hanley said, as if it were a boring fact.

"Jesus Christ, so he needed a transfusion?" Tara asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, Mr. Teller received a transfusion," the man said, realizing now that Tara knew her shit.

"Can I see him?" Tara asked, hoping she could. She never wanted to return to California, but knowing Jax was hurt...she needed to see him.

Mr. Hanley had sounded bored throughout the entire conversation, as if he was reading off of a script. "Visitations are limited to once a week for one hour, with exception to medical crises, where family members may see the inmate for two hours in the infirmary wing per week. Upon release from the infirmary, the inmate is limited to the one hour per week granted to all inmates. Attorneys and legal aid have no restrictions on visitations and visits will not be monitored or recorded."

Tara nodded and said, "I am coming there. What do I do?"

"There will be paperwork that will need to be filled out upon arrival to the facility. Two forms of state or government ID's are required when entering the building," Mr. Hanley droned out.

Tara nodded at each edict, her head spinning. The line went silent and Tara realized he had asked her a question.

"I'm sorry c-could you repeat that?" she asked, telling herself to get a grip.

"I asked if there would be children present for the visits?" he asked again.

Oh God..._Abel and Thomas?_ Should she bring them? Tara and Jax had never finished that conversation. Would he want them to see him in a prison hospital ward?

"I...we have two children, one seven months old the other two years old," Tara said, causing Hanley to begin to ramble off all the limitations and policies regarding visitors that were minors and in the boys' age bracket.

"If I choose not to bring them?" Tara asked.

"Then you don't bring them," Officer Hanley replied. _Oh, okay…_

Tara looked at the clock and calculated the time it would take to get her and the boys ready and drive down there, before saying, "I would like to schedule my first visitation tomorrow afternoon."

Hanley arranged a time that Tara knew she could make. She would need to rent a car.

"Can someone tell him I am coming?" Tara asked, "Or can I talk to him?"

"Inmates are allowed phone access, however they need to provide their own phone time and/or-"

Tara interrupted him, now pissed, "I understand your policies, however the father of my children just survived an attempted murder and he is gravely injured. A little compassion on your part would be appreciated, Office Hanley."

There was silence over the phone for a minute and Tara wondered if her little outburst would come back and bite her in the ass. Or worst, if it came back and bit Jax in the ass.

"I am going to give you a number to call in one hour when Teller will be out of the surgical wing. I will hand the phone over to Mr. Teller so you may have a five minute conversation to tell him your plans for visitation and to ensure he is being treated properly," Mr. Hanley said, the process sounding formal, but Tara knew...this was Hanley breaking the rules. For her.

"Thank you, Officer Hanley," she said after taking the number to call.

After getting off the phone with Hanley, who informed her that he was Jax's counselor (whatever the hell that was), Tara quickly made a way to the bedroom, grabbing her bigger suitcase and set it on the chair. She quietly packed her things she would need for at least a week, and then went to Thomas and Abel's room and packed them both a week of supplies too.

Once she had a bag packed, she called a car rental place she had used once before and requested a vehicle for a week, with two car seats. Once he gave her an estimate, she said she would pick it up within the hour. She needed to get on the road soon if she wanted to make it in time to see Jax tomorrow.

She hated waking up the boys, but it had to be done. She walked to her room first and picked Abel up, who stirred as she rocked him in her arms and lap. He quickly shut his eyes again and fell back asleep in her arms, causing her to laugh.

"Baby, we need to wake up," Tara said gently, causing his eyes to open again. He whined and snuggled closer to her and tried to go back to sleep against her. She smiled and picked him up, carrying him in her arms to his bedroom.

She already had an outfit all laid out for both him and Thomas. Thomas was a newborn and wouldn't be able to help crying, but Abel was now two and he was a pretty sweet, agreeable child when he wanted to be.

Tara began undressing Abel and though he fussed at first, he lifted his arms and helped Tara untangle his limbs from his pajamas. She pulled out a pull-up, knowing she wouldn't want to stop every hour for Abel to go the bathroom. He was actually doing really well with potty training, but she just didn't have the time. Not today. Hopefully it wouldn't set him back.

Abel whined and started crying as Tara changed him, starting to wake Thomas up. Tara sighed as her boys cried at the rude awakening from Tara, but she quickly changed Abel and dressed him before moving onto Thomas.

As she changed and dressed Thomas, Abel asked for breakfast, rubbing his eyes tiredly. It was still dark out and he looked out the window in confusion.

Tara carried Thomas into the living room, and set him in the carrier. She then grabbed him a warmed bottle and let him suck on it as Abel ate his cereal. She snacked on a banana and finished two cups of coffee quickly before cleaning up the slight mess and ushering them out of the apartment.

A taxi waited for them and Tara asked for assistance with the suitcase before giving the address to the car rental lot.

As Tara packed up her children in the rented car, her alarm went off signaling that it was time to call the number Officer Hanley had given her so she could speak to Jax.

She quickly dialed it as she climbed in the car and waited as it rung. Officer Hanley answered and asked, "Dr. Knowles?"

"Yes, I'm here," Tara said, noting the slight waver to her voice. _Get it together, Knowles, he needs you to be strong_, she thought to herself.

"I will hand the phone over and give you five minutes," he said in a stern voice.

Tara nodded and then realized he couldn't see her.

"Hello?" Jax asked, in a weak voice.

"Jax, it's Tara," Tara said, tears filling her eyes as she pictured him in a prison infirmary.

"Baby?" he asked, in disbelief. Tara realized he was probably still a little loopy from anesthesia too.

"Yes, Jax, it's me Tara. Are you okay?" Tara asked, wiping her eyes and nose.

"Baby, no, I am not okay," he whispered, "Please come back. Abel needs you. I need you. I love you so much, Tara, don't leave me here alone," he pleaded. Yep, definitely still fucked up from anesthesia. Did he even realize he was in prison?

"I am coming to you, Jax," she said, fighting a whole new wave of tears, "I will be there soon."

"I need you, please, Tara," Jax said again, not hearing her.

"I know, I am coming, Jax," Tara whispered, trying not to get too loud, not wanting to wake their sleeping babies in the backseat.

"Tara, please," Jax said, his voice getting thick with...tears? Fear? She couldn't tell over the phone.

"Jax I am coming now, just rest until I get there. When you wake up, I will be there, okay?" Tara practically barked through the phone, wanting to put him at ease.

The line was silent for a few minutes before Jax asked, "When I wake up?"

"Yes," Tara said, relieved that he seemed to understand, "When you wake up, I will be there. Okay?"

Silence as he took in her words and he said drowsily, "I love you so much, Tara."

Tara closed her eyes, fighting those feelings only Jax Teller had ever been able to inspire inside her.

"I am coming, Jax," she whispered.

She didn't know if he heard her or not, but remained on the line until Officer Hanley picked up the phone.

"Dr. Knowles, it appears he fell back asleep," Officer Hanley said.

Tara nodded and said, "Thank you very much Officer Hanley. I will be there to meet you this afternoon, so I can see him."

After getting off the phone with Hanley, Tara quickly buckled her seatbelt and inhaled deeply. It was going to be a long drive and she would need to focus. She wiped her eyes, looked into the backseat of the car at the boys, before pulling out of the lot and driving to a place she never thought she would go again.

Jax (Dreaming and doped up on anesthesia drugs and painkillers)

_Jax knew he was dreaming the minute he saw his father leaning against his motorcycle at the Teller-Morrow Garage Lot. _

"_Dad?" he asked, but he didn't know why...he knew who the hell he was._

"_Son," John nodded, smirking as he lit a cigarette. _

"_I'm dreaming," he stated, not needing his father to answer him._

_John Teller shrugged and said, "Dreaming? Who the hell knows, I just know I'm here."_

"_Here?" Jax asked, as if JT had a choice in the matter. It was his damn dream._

"_Yeah, son, I was brought here," John said, pushing himself off his bike and walking towards Jax._

"_Brought here? By who?" Jax asked, deciding to go along with this dream to see where it led him._

"_Don't worry about the who, I got a message to give you a vision," John said, blowing smoke out of the side of his mouth, "Or a glimpse or whatever other queer term you wanna use."_

_Jax furrowed his brow in confusion. It was nice hearing the rasp of his old man. It always sounded like John Teller suffered from congestion and a chest full of smoke. The result was perfect to Jax's ears._

"_Glimpse? Like you show me some shit about my life? What would you know about that?" Jax asked, looking amused, but angry on the inside. John Teller had never been around to raise Jax. He was in Ireland a lot as a child until Thomas got sick and came back. When Thomas died, John was grief stricken, never the same again. Then he too died, killed by a semi._

"_I didn't choose to leave you, Jackson," John said, "There was more to my death than you know."_

_Jax wondered what the hell he meant by that...he was hit by a damn semi for God's sake. _

"_This isn't about me though, it's about you," John said, puffing his last puff of the cigarette and stomping it out under his boot._

_Jax shrugged, wondering if he was getting a glimpse about Samcro...their future. Would this be more shit about what JT had wrote in the book? _

"_Are you going to wake up, or do you wanna see what I am supposed to show you?" John asked, looking his son over as if he was wondering if he had the stones._

"_I have a choice?" Jax wondered, smirking._

"_Of course. You can wake yourself up and remain ignorant of all I have to show you," John said, walking over to his bike...god what a beautiful bike…, "Or you can bite the bullet and see what's so damn important it warranted a visit from me to show you."_

_John sat astride his bike, waiting for Jax's answer._

"_Is it something I will like?" Jax asked, curious._

_John shrugged, "How am I supposed to know, I am just the messenger. But usually these things are a wakeup call, so...you might not like it."_

_Jax nodded, thinking it over in his head...was this going to turn into a nightmare? Or would the dream go on? Jax knew the reason he stepped towards his bike was not because of the damn glimpse, but because he had never had a chance to ride side by side with his father._

_Jax strapped his helmet on and John smiled and said, "Brave man."_

_Jax smirked as he roared his bike to life as John did the same. Letting John take the lead they drove out of Teller-Morrow._

_Suddenly they were in front of a house Jax had never seen before. It was a nice house, colonial in style. Very well maintained._

"_Where are we?" he asked. Were they in Charming? This neighborhood didn't look familiar at all._

"_You'll see," John said, climbing off his bike and walking up to the front door._

_He knocked on the door and waited a second, even though Jax nudged him and gave him a look, asking for an explanation._

_The door suddenly opened and Jax gasped in shock. Abel. He was grown up...in his early thirties maybe. He had lost his baby features, but he looked so much like Jax, it startled him. Jax looked to his dad who smiled proudly at the young man in front of them._

"_Fine lookin' boy, son," he murmured to Jax._

_Suddenly Abel smiled and said, "Hi Mom."_

_Mom? What?_

_And Jax was walked through by a woman...Tara. Tara and Abel embraced and John looked to Jax to see how he was handling it._

"_Tara...she stays in Abel's life?" Jax asked, feeling excited. If she was in Abel's life, she must be in his life too._

"_Hi baby," Tara whispered, pulling away from her son. She turned and asked, "Can you help your dad with the other dishes?"_

_Abel nodded and Tara made her way inside the house. Should he follow her, or Abel?_

_He decided to follow Abel until he joined Tara in the house._

_Jax expected to see himself with dishes he needed help with, but was shocked to see...a complete stranger. Who the hell was this? And why did Tara refer to him as Abel's father. The thought infuriated and hurt Jax more than anything._

"_What the hell is this?" Jax demanded of his father._

"_Just watch, Son. It's called a vision for a reason. You're meant to see it," John Teller said in his soothing voice._

_Jax pursed his lips as he watched his son embrace the older man, who clapped him on the back proudly. _

_They carried in the dishes and Jax quickly followed them into the house. Was this Tara's house? No...it had to be Abel's since he answered the door. Jesus, it was really nice, full of expensive things. No Harley pictures or Maxim posters in sight._

_Tara sat on the sofa, drinking a glass of wine and talking to a young woman about Abel's age. She and Tara were fond of each other. Close even, Jax realized as he watched her. Tara looked beautiful. In this scenario she had to be in her late forties, early fifties, but she had a relaxed, wise look about her. Her hair was pulled up into an elegant up-do and she was wearing a beautiful dress...not like how Jax knew her to look in tight jeans and a simple tank. _

_Jax spotted a ring on Abel's finger as he handed his wife (the woman talking to Tara) a glass of wine...shit, Abel was married! This was weird as hell…._

"_Thank you, Abel," she said softly, before asking, "Did Thomas come with you?" to Tara._

_Tara looked down at her lap, a frown Jax was familiar with...oh no...what?_

"_Thomas couldn't come," she said softly._

"_Couldn't come or wouldn't come?" Abel asked, a hint of anger to his voice that sounded so much like Jax it took him back. Was there a problem between his two sons?_

"_Let me guess, the club needed him?" Abel asked, his tone bitter as Tara remained silent._

"_Abel, let's not start, son," the random guy said. Seriously, who the fuck was this guy?_

"_Let's have a nice night," rando suggested, walking towards Tara and placing his hand on Tara's shoulder and squeezing it. Jax watched with a sick stomach as Tara smiled a weak smile up at the man, but it didn't reach her eyes. She was still worried about Thomas._

_They began talking about random things that happened throughout the week and Jax took the opportunity to look around. There were pictures on the mantle of Abel getting married, of Abel and Thomas at some formal even, with Tara sandwiched between them. Abel was in a suit while Thomas donned a cut, causing Jax to smile. When he looked over at John, he was frowning at the image._

"_So she married someone else?" Jax wondered to him, "That is the glimpse?"_

_John shook his head and said, "If that was it, we wouldn't still be here right now son."_

_Jax looked to him in confusion and John looked away as the doorbell rang._

_Abel looked at his watch in confusion and Tara looked up in excitement at her husband and said, "Maybe Thomas changed his mind!"_

_Her husband smiled down at her, but Jax could tell the man knew Tara was about to be disappointed. Apparently Thomas did that a lot to Tara. It bugged Jax more than he liked._

_Abel crossed the room and opened the door to an old man with an oxygen machine, like Piney's. _

_Jax did a quick double take as he realized it was him. Holy fuck! What the hell happened to him?_

"_That can't be me," Jax said in confusion, looking to John to see if this was a fucking joke._

_John sat next to Abel's wife on the couch, watching him warily, worried for his reaction._

"_Dad?" Abel asked, confused, "What are you doing here?"_

_Jax said nothing to Abel, but looked past him to Tara. Their eyes locked and Tara searched Old Jax's eyes as if she might have misunderstood the look._

_Suddenly she burst into tears and rushed towards Old Jax, pummeling his chest with her fists shouting hateful, angry things at him. What? What was Jax missing here?_

"_You son of a bitch!" she screamed as Abel dragged her off Old Jax, who looked like the slight beating had taken some fight out of him. Old Jax looked heartbroken and sad._

"_Mom?" Abel asked, worry and concern on his face as he tried to soothe her and make sense of her actions._

_Tara just sobbed and sobbed, her knees buckling as she sank to the floor at Abel's feet._

_Abel then stood ramrod straight as he seemed to understand something...what? Jax wondered angrily. What the hell was he missing?_

"_Where's Thomas?" Abel asked, his voice cracking. What about Thomas? Jax wondered, his heart stopping._

"_Thomas," Old Jax croaked out, his voice weak and raspy, "Was gunned down. He's dead."_

_Abel sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as his wife gasped and walked to him and put her arms around him. Tara sat sobbing on the floor, grief stricken. _

_Jax was glad he was dreaming because he had stopped breathing long ago as pain swept through him...Thomas….not Thomas. This was a nightmare... _

"_It was the Mayans," Old Jax murmured to himself, because Tara, Abel and their spouses didn't care who did it...just that their Thomas was gone from them._

"_It was you!" Tara screamed at him through her sobs, pointing her finger at him, "And the fucking club. It took your father, it took your best friend and his wife, it took me from you, and now it has taken our son, you god damn fool! All for a fucking blood soaked leather vest! You piece of shit! I wish it had killed you long ago, so I wouldn't see your fucking face here instead of my son's!"_

_Old Jax winced at each word thrown at him and Jax felt each word hit his heart. Tara's husband walked to her and she flung her arms around him. Jax realized he too was crying for their deceased boy._

"_Come on, son" John Teller said sadly, wrapping his arm around Jax's shoulder._

_Jax was grateful he was taking him out of this nightmare._

_They climbed on their bikes, but Jax didn't know how to ride when he had so many tears in his eyes. Tara's words echoed in his ears, killing him so slowly._

_They were suddenly outside the Club cabin and Jax looked to John and said, "Is this another one?"_

_John shook his head and walked towards the cabin, not even knocking before walking in._

_They walked in on a frantic Old Jax, with a tear stained face...okay, so this was the same night? Jax wondered as he reeled from the events so far. _

_Old Jax spilled pills in his mouth, chasing them with whisky. Jon watched in despair as he watched Jax's older self pace the cabin and try to soothe the pain of losing his son. Hell young Jax wanted some of that whisky._

_Old Jax suddenly plumped down on the dingy couch and lifted the whisky to his lips, swigging deeply. He looked up at the ceiling as he released guttural sobs to the heavens, as if they could bring his son back to him. Oh Thomas…_

_For his age and condition, Old Jax moved quickly as he lifted his gun to his head and shot._

_Jax screamed and screamed as his body slumped on the couch, causing him to bleed out._

"_Jesus Christ!" Jax screamed, angry at his father for showing him that._

"_What the fuck? Why did you show me this? This is fucked up. It's not going to happen!" Jax barked out angrily._

"_It is...if you remain in the club, this will be your future if Tara decides to move on with the boys," John says, sitting on the couch and brushing Old Jax's bangs off his forehead sadly._

"_Tara marries Sean, her husband you saw there, and they move closer to Charming so you can see Thomas and Abel, but far enough that it club won't bother with her. Once released from prison, you decide it's best if the boys live safely with Tara and Sean, staying on outskirts of their lives. Abel grows up, watching Tara and decides he wants more than the club and goes to college, then med school where he becomes a surgeon. He gets married to a sweet girl named Laura. Thomas, who doesn't grow to know you like Abel does, goes looking for you and gets pulled into the club in order to bond with you," John says, looking at Jax._

"_He dies," John says sadly, causing Jax to shudder in fear, "And you kill yourself because the guilt is too much."_

_Jax trembles as he recognizes the truth in his father's words._

"_So if Tara stayed with me?" Jax asked, "I raised the boys with her. That couldn't happen?"_

"_It could, but it probably won't," John said sadly._

_Jax sat in the chair, looking at Old Jax...well Dead Jax now. He glanced around the cabin, realizing he lived here, like Piney had. Depressed and alone...alcoholic druggie by the looks of it._

"_You began drinking to numb the pain of being separated from Tara and the boys. Addict," John said, following his gaze around the trashed room._

"_I have to get Tara to stay with me," Jax concluded, going into solution mode._

"_How are you so sure that scenario could be any different?" John asked._

"_It has to be!" Jax demanded, standing to his feet and running his fingers through his hair, trying to wipe his mind clean of what he just witnessed. Abel's indifference to him, Tara's hateful words, Sean's hand on her shoulder, the image of Thomas gunned down, him killing himself...it was too much._

"_I can show you," John offered gently, looking his son over as he watched him have a breakdown._

"_Yes! Please," Jax pleaded. It had to be better than this._

_John nodded, and stood. Before they left he kissed Dead Jax's forehead and whispered something he couldn't hear._

_Jax didn't even care, he was anxious to see what awaited him if he convinced Tara to stay in his life._

_Jax and John climbed on their bikes and they were suddenly in….Lodi…at a cheap motel Jax recognized. John walked to one of the motel doors and Jax followed. Inside he heard the unmistakable sounds of people fucking._

"_Let's give you both a moment," John said, smirking and leaning against the door._

"_That's…?" Jax asked, looking at the door, wondering why they were fucking in Lodi._

"_You and Tara," John confirmed._

_Jax heard his groan as Dream Jax finished and swore he could hear Tara's telltale pants signifying her release._

_John looked at Jax and shrugged, "You can go in now."_

_Jax opened the door and watched as Dream Jax flopped off Tara and pulled her to his chest, snuggling her to him._

"_I love you, Tara," he whispered to her. Jax smiled at them. Tara had shorter hair and Jax's was gelled back, but clearly mussed from Tara's greedy fingers._

"_I love you," Tara whispered, her tone mournful. _

_Dream Jax angled her face to his and looked into it before saying, "I know you think I have changed...but I never stopped loving you. Ever. I never will."_

_Tara's eyes teared up and said, "Thank you."_

"_I would do anything for you," Jax whispered, "I am the reason we are in this mess."_

_Jax looked to John for an explanation, who held up a finger and signaled for Jax to listen._

_Dream Jax's phone rang and he picked it up, recognizing the ID. _

"_Bobby, hey, yeah, I gotta meet with the club in an hour. Boys okay?" he asked, rubbing Tara's back. Tara looked nervously up at him and he nodded to her and said, "Good. I will be in soon to spend some time with them."_

_Dream Jax listened as Bobby spoke and Tara closed her eyes as she chewed her bottom lip anxiously._

"_I have to, Bobby," Jax said, "I will talk to you and the guys in an hour."_

_He clicked the phone shut and rolled to face Tara, running his fingers through her hair and along her soft cheeks. She did the same._

"_How long?" she asked._

_Oh fuck...was he going in again?_

"_Charges are possessions and conspiracy...on top of my parole violations. Twenty five, ten on parole...seven if I am lucky," Dream Jax murmured, looking down at her. _

_Tara's lower lip quivered as she realized what that meant...they were going to throw the book at him. Why hadn't he gotten them out of guns yet? Jax wondered._

"_I am just glad I got you clear," Dream Jax whispered, pulling her close._

_Jax's eyebrows lifted in shock and he looked to John who nodded sagely. What the hell had she done? His beautiful, sweet Tara? She never hurt anyone if she could help it…_

"_It's my fault," she choked out and Dream Jax shook his head, "No, baby, it was my fault you are in this. You did what you did, for the club. Because I asked you to. It's my fault. I can't let you take the fall."_

_Tara cried against Dream Jax's chest and he stroked her back as he looked up at the ceiling, much like Old Jax had before he shot himself._

"_You take care of our boys and do what I couldn't...get them out. I don't want them part of this life," he said, his voice stern and insistent. Tara nodded and wiped her tears, "We will wait for you, Jax."_

_Dream Jax smiled and nodded sadly, knowing they would be waiting a long time for him._

_Dream Jax and Tara began to get hot and heavy again and John nudged him and showed him out of the room._

_John walked to his bike and Jax almost feared getting on it, not wanting to go where it took him._

_John nodded to the seat and said, "Let's finish it, son."_

_Jax sighed and climbed on and they were in front of their house. Jax sat on his bike, looking up at it, wondering what he would see._

_He heard a motorcycle coming and immediately recognized himself, on his Dyna, pulling in right next to him._

_Jax and John climbed off their bikes and followed Jax up the front steps, hearing him calling out to Tara. As he hung up his cut on hooks, Jax spotted the President Patch on it...he was president? How? When? Where was Clay? _

_Jax looked to John who gave the patch a regretful look before motioning Jax to follow the Dream Jax inside the kitchen._

_Jax followed him in the kitchen and gasped at the scene in front of him. Tara was lying dead on the floor, in a pool of blood. Next to her was that new police chief from San Joaquin. _

_Jax stood, horrified, crying as Dream Jax dropped his gun and stared in disbelief at the scene...what the hell?_

_This was not better than the other scenario...how...oh Jesus Christ._

"_She's…" Jax choked out, looking to his father desperately. John Teller only nodded and said, "Gemma."_

_Jax gaped in disbelief as Dream Jax collected Tara up in his arms and rocked her as he shook with the force of his sobs, whispering, "I'm so sorry," over and over._

_The door suddenly opened and a woman Jax had never seen before walked in with a team of police officers and found him there in the kitchen, cradling a dead Tara next to the dead police chief...shit._

"_So in one reality my son dies," Jax said, as tears tracked relentlessly down his cheeks as he watched Dream Jax forcefully pried from Tara and arrested, "And in the other reality, I lose Tara."_

_John nodded and said, "In this life, the club life, you can only lose. Samcro was never what I intended it to be. I never wished it for you or for my own Thomas."_

_Jax nodded mutely, feeling raw and pained. How could he choose one reality over the other?_

_As Tara was wheeled out on stretcher before him, in a black body bag, he lost it like Dream Jax had. He sobbed and he felt his dad sink down next to him and pat his back, pulling him into a hug._

"_Let it out, son, it's a tough pill to swallow," John whispered._

_Jax's cries quieted and suddenly they weren't in his kitchen anymore, they were in a courtroom._

"_Jackson Teller, you have been found guilty for the murder of Dr. Tara Knowles," a juror read._

_Jax was numb...he didn't even care. He may as well have killed Tara. _

_Then they weren't in the courtroom. They were...somewhere he had never been. An apartment. _

_Jax watched as Wendy...fuck, Wendy? What was she doing here? Jax watched as Wendy opened the door and there stood Gemma (the murdering bitch) with Abel and Thomas. _

"_You boys have a fun visit with Grandma?" she asked, picking Tomas up and holding him close._

_What? The actual? Fuck? No fucking way was he cool with Wendy being their parent. Or Gemma, who murdered their mother and let their father get sent away for it. Jesus Christ. _

_Jax was losing it. He was about to wake himself, he couldn't take anymore when John put a hand on his shoulder and stopped him._

"_I can show you one more thing," John said._

"_No," Jax said, wiping his tears angrily, "I can't bear it. I don't want to see Abel killed."_

"_I won't show you that," John said soothingly, "I can show you a reality where Tara lives...where Thomas and Abel live...where you live with your family."_

_Jax looked up at him and asked, "Wh-why didn't you show me that first?"_

"_Because you needed to see how badly it will get if you continue down this path, Son," John said, pointing to the bike._

_As Jax climbed on, he wondered what the hell it would take. If Jax couldn't protect Tara or the boys as President...how the hell could he protect them?_

_Jax and John stopped in front of garage Jax didn't recognize. Jax wondered what they were doing there._

_He looked around and saw mechanics working efficiently on cars and bikes, and then he spotted Dream Jax. Dream Jax was walking out of the office in nice jeans and a shirt that said, "Teller Motors". He owned the garage?_

_Dream Jax went over something on a piece of paper with one of his mechanic as he pointed to a car in the garage and Jax wondered if Dream Jax was happy. He looked happy…_

_Suddenly the expression on Dream Jax's face transformed into a beam as something behind Jax and John caught his eye._

_Jax spun and Tara, Abel, and Thomas were all walking towards him smiling. Jax felt his own heart flutter as he took in how beautiful his family looked. Dream Jax walked up to them and clapped both boys on the back, who wore "Teller Motors" shirts and began to assist mechanics. They looked happy...and they reminded Jax of him and Opie in the garage…_

_Jax looked back to Dream Jax who was completely wrapped around Tara, hugging and kissing her lips softly as she ran her hands up and down his chest._

"_How are my girls?" he asked Tara, rubbing her stomach...holy shit...Tara was pregnant with a girl? The thought brought joy and terror to his body...a girl?_

_Tara smiled and leaned forward pressing her lips to his before saying, "I checked on the other garages. Pam said Jacob didn't show for his shift, and Aaron has the totals ready for you whenever you are ready to go over them."_

_Other garages?_

"_And the dealership?" Jax asked, curiously._

"_Heading there now. Heard it's been a good day to sell cars," she said, smiling up at him._

"_You are on call tonight?" Dream Jax asked, pouting down at her playfully._

_She nodded, pouting and Jax said, "Maybe I can take you out on a hot date in that cafeteria at the hospital," he suggested, smirking down at her. He looked really fucking happy. So did Tara. And so did he sons as they jawed around with the other mechanics. This is what he wanted...he wanted them to be happy. And together._

"_You are such a romantic, Teller," Tara giggled, tugging his beard so she could kiss him again._

"_Mom!" Abel called, "Stop, it's gross!"_

"_Yeah, you're all over each other! Take it in the office," Thomas grumbled as he reached for a socket wrench. The other mechanics chuckled at the two boys' reactions._

_Tara shot them a look and began to back away, but Dream Jax held her close and scowled at the boys. He leaned in and pecked her lips, whispering, "Wanna take this in the office, Dr. Teller?" So they got married...that was something he always wanted. Tara to be his wife._

_Tara flushed and then nodded, her eyes full of mischief. He pulled her towards the office, and Jax chuckled as he watched Abel and Thomas track their parents with disgusted expressions. _

_The office door slammed and John turned to Jax and suddenly...they were alone at Teller-Morrow. Jax frowned as he took in his surroundings once more. The lot was empty._

"_I wrote a lot of things in that book, son," John said, lighting a cigarette, "But none of that shit matters. The club doesn't matter. The so-called brotherhood doesn't matter. The chicks, the drugs, the booze, the guns...none of that shit matters. You love your girl and your boys, get out of the club. It isn't my legacy. You are my legacy. And so far you are putting everything above the most important thing...family. Your children. Your woman."_

_Jax looked down at his bike, rethinking everything he had seen tonight. His father was right. If he stayed on this path, the people he loved would die. Tara...Thomas...Abel. These were prices he wasn't willing to pay. _

_When Jax looked up, his dad was gone, his bike gleaming in the moonlight of the darkened garage lot._

_Jax then realized that the whole lot was darkening...he was scared at first, but then he realized he was falling into a deeper sleep. He committed everything he had learned tonight from his father to memory and allowed the dark mist to take him._

**So, this was my first Christmas Carol like dream scene...what did you all think? Did you think JT got the message across? Hope you all liked it, please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi everyone! Mid-week treat continues! I hope you all have been having a good week. **

**Please enjoy and continue to give me some feedback. The response to this story has been spectacular! So keep it up and make my day ;)**

And Then What

Chapter 9

Jax

Jax woke to bright lights and a pinching feeling in his arm. He groaned and took in his surroundings, terrified about what reality he might wake up to.

"Mr. Teller, glad you are with us again," a nurse he had never seen before said as his eyes came into focus. Jax began to sit up, but as he pulled his arms, he realized there were restraints on him..._oh yeah_, he was in jail. The pinching he felt was actually an IV.

"You remember what happened Mr. Teller?" the nurse asked as she wrote in her chart.

Jax's mind raced as it tried to play catch up with the conversation… "Uh...yeah, I got stabbed in a riot on my way to canteen." His chest throbbed against the fresh bandage at the memory. He winced and relaxed his abdomen in an attempt to not pull against the stitches.

The nurse nodded and put her chart down, snapping on gloves.

"I am going to examine your wound now," she informed him, "Please lie back and try to relax. The site may be sensitive."

Jax lied there as the nurse examined him and his mind recalled his vivid dream...Tara...the boys...his father. He shuddered as he remembered finding Tara in the kitchen..._no_...No, it didn't really happen.

"Does this hurt Mr. Teller?" the nurse asked prodding his abdomen, trying to ascertain what caused him to shudder.

"No," Jax said, "I was just remembering..." he trailed off, not wanting to go into detail to this stranger.

The nurse nodded, seeming to understand even though he divulged nothing, and said, "It's common for patients to experience some dreams while under anesthesia."

Jax didn't correct her, but he knew this was more than a dream. It was a prophecy.

"Well, things are looking good, Mr. Teller, would you like to see your wife now?" she asked him as she discarded her gloves and grabbed his chart.

"Wife?" his mind reeled. His only wife had been Wendy, and she sure as hell wasn't on his visitor list.

The nurse looked at him in confusion and looked down at her chart, "Yes, your emergency contact, Dr. Tara Knowles. She has been waiting on you to wake up so she could see you."

_Tara_? _Tara was here_? Without hesitation, he nodded, "Yes, please."

The nurse nodded and left the room and Jax wondered if Tara would have the babies with her. He heard a series of clicks and locks and buzzes that signaled doors being opened between him and Tara. His heart was pounding in anticipation. _Oh God...Tara_. It had been months since he had seen her...

Finally the door opened, and the nurse escorted Tara into his room. She came to him quickly, concern etched on her face. She gently touched his face, as if she was afraid to hurt him and he shuddered against her touch...Tara was real.

"Oh, Tara," he whispered reverently, pulling against his restraints.

"Jax, are you okay?" she asked, touching the edge of his bandage.

"I'm fine," he murmured, his eyes never leaving her. He was fine as long as she was with him.

"The doctors and nurses told me what happened. It was really close Jax," she said, her lower lip wobbling as she fought tears, "Too close."

He nodded, saying nothing as Tara wiped a stray tear from her face. He wished he could hold her.

"I wish I could hold you," he whispered.

Tara smiled down at him and then looked over her shoulder at the nurse, "Can we have a moment?"

The nurse suddenly looked like she had been caught eavesdropping as she watched the couple and said, "Oh, I apologize, of course. You will have an hour."

The nurse closed the door and Tara turned back to him.

Tara cupped his cheeks and said, "What happened, Jax?"

He shook his head and said, "I am not sure. I was walking to canteen and was jumped. There were guys everywhere."

Tara shook her head and said, "Are you in danger?"

Jax nodded, hoping she didn't ask for him to explain. She didn't want to know and he didn't want to be the cause of her distress.

"What...what can I do?" she stammered, fear and tears in her eyes.

"Don't worry about me. How are the boys?" Jax asked, clearly trying to distract her. Thankfully, it worked.

"They are perfect. I brought them with me, but I didn't know if you would want them to see you...like this," she said, gesturing towards the restraints.

Jax thought about it and said, "I miss them."

Tara nodded and immediately said, "I will bring them tomorrow."

Jax nodded and contemplated telling Tara about his dream.

"Tara," Jax said, "I have to tell-"

"Jax," Tara interrupted, sitting down beside him, running her hand up his arm, "You-"

"No, Tara, listen," Jax said, needing to tell her. Tara looked at him, anxious about his desperation to tell her, and he asked, "Please?" Tara nodded after a second.

"I know what happens next...if I stay in Charming. I will end up dead or back in prison. I know...I _know _the risk is there for you and the boys too," Jax said, deciding not to get into the specifics. He never wanted Tara to know what would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"I am getting out of Samcro," he said, looking Tara in the eyes.

Tara blanched and her mouth dropped open.

"I am getting out of Samcro," Jax repeated, so she believed him.

Tara looked down at the now joined hands and said, "I...Jax, I believe you mean that. Now. But when you get out...when Clay needs you, when Gemma finds out...I just don't know how you are going to make that happen."

"I am," Jax insisted...he needed her to believe it, "I have nothing but time ahead of me for the next eight months. Every minute I will be thinking about how to do it."

Tara studied him and he said, "I need you to believe me Tara."

Tara looked at him in surprise and after a few moments she whispered, "I believe you, Jax."

Jax exhaled a breath he didn't know he had been holding and said, "I love you. I want to be with you and the boys when I get out. I understand you can't come back to Charming. That's what I want too."

Tara crinkled her eyebrow in confusion and said, "You don't want me and the boys with you in Charming?"

"No, I don't," Jax said, "I need to know you are safe. And...you will _never _be safe in Charming, Tara." If she wasn't in Charming, she couldn't be stabbed in the kitchen. Perhaps it was faulty logic, but it was all the logic he had right now.

Tara swallowed as tears filled her eyes, "Will you be safe in Charming?"

Jax shook his head and said, "No, but I will be when I am out. I promise you, Tara, I am getting out."

Tara nodded and leaned forward and kissed Jax softly.

"I believe you," she whispered against his lips.

Jax kissed Tara, groaning against her lips...her taste...it was better than anything in the world.

"I love you, Jax," Tara whispered, pulling away, her eyes shining with love. That look…._that_ _look _would be burned in his mind forever. He would do anything for that look on Tara's face.

"I love you too, Tara," Jax whispered back.

Tara

As Tara drove back to the hotel, she replayed different parts of her and Jax's conversation.

Jax seemed so serious and sincere. He wanted out of Samcro. He wanted a life with her and their boys. Tara didn't want to allow that hope in again. She had done it before and the weight of her disappointment had almost crushed her.

_I need you to believe me Tara_...his voice called out in her head. She wanted to believe him, but...Jax said Samcro was _apart_ of him. How could he walk away from something like that?

Tara only had two things that she considered _apart _of her...she didn't take that idea lightly. Thomas and Abel...they were _apart _of her. She knew she couldn't live without them. If anything happened….she couldn't think about it without an empty, hollow feeling taking over.

Her visit with Jax had gone better than she expected. Jax had always bounced back beautifully when he was injured. His body seemed to understand its need to recuperate quickly because of his lifestyle.

Tomorrow she would bring the boys with her. She was nervous, but she had to remind herself she was going to a secure ward where Jax was kept to heal...in his own little room.

Tara pulled into the hotel, parking the rental car quickly and grabbing her purse and a few groceries she had stopped to get on the way back from seeing Jax.

She walked into the hotel room, smiling at Margaret. As she drove down, she had racked her brain for someone she could trust with the boys that wouldn't notify Gemma or anyone else associated with the club of her return to California...Margaret was the only one to come to mind.

"Thank you so much for watching them, Margaret," Tara said, smiling genuinely.

Margaret smiled and nodded saying, "Anytime, Tara."

Margaret smiled and stood, handing Thomas over and saying, "How long are in California?"

"Not long," Tara said, wondering how long it would take for Jax to be discharged from the infirmary.

Margaret nodded and handed Tara a business card.

"This is my house and cell number if you need me," Margaret said kindly, "You can call me, day or night."

Tara took it and nodded appreciatively as Margaret walked out of the room.

"Why are you so nice to me?" Tara asked, genuinely curious, "I don't deserve it. I have been...horrible to you." She recalled punching her in the face, saying extremely nasty things to her that demeaned her work and position, had gotten her kidnapped...the list was endless.

"I told you," Margaret murmured from the doorway, "I have been where you are now. I wish I had somebody to help me. It got lonely. I...I got lonely. And sad," she admitted, glancing down as she got lost in old, painful memories.

Tara smiled and nodded and said, "You are really a very nice woman. I am lucky to know you."

Margaret beamed at Tara and pointed to the card and repeated, "Anytime."

Tara nodded and Margaret left the hotel room.

Tara bounced Thomas on her hip and walked towards the bed. She laid down, with Thomas lying on top of her as he played with her necklace, grunting and gurgling like babies do.

She felt the bed depress beside her and smiled down at Abel as he crawled up beside her, hugging her and playing with her hair as he whispered, "Mommy tired?"

Tara nodded and said, "I saw Daddy today."

Abel's eyes actually flickered with recognition and he said, "Daddy come home and play trucks."

Tara smiled, not knowing what to say to that. Would Daddy come home to play trucks with Abel? Tara tried to think about this as she was surrounded by her boys. Jax wanted to come home.

If Jax managed it, to get out, is that what Tara wanted?

_Yes_. It was. Head and heart were in agreement. Not just for her, but for Abel and Thomas. They deserved to have a father. They deserved to have Jax.

If he didn't manage it...well, then he didn't. And Tara would just have to love Jax like she had before. From afar and for always.

Tara squeezed her eyes shut at the thought as she thought of loving him for the rest of her life...never to have him as she was meant to. Unequivocally and unconditionally…

"Mommy's sad," Abel whispered, touching the tear that ran down the side of her face. Yes, Mommy was sad.

She really didn't know how he would manage it. Tara didn't think he could. Mommy was sad.

**Please review and thank you for reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi everyone! I was delayed in updating this for a few reasons, but mainly because I kept rewriting it...not really satisfied. But I think I got it to where I wanted it. This chapter is all about Jax and the boys seeing each other. I hope you all like it.**

**Thank you all for your amazing support and encouragement. Keep it up because it keeps me motivated!**

**Enjoy!**

And Then What

Chapter 10

Tara

"Yes, Officer Hanley? Hi, this is Dr. Knowles," Tara said, rocking Thomas as she fed him in the hotel room. He was holding the bottle as he greedily sucked and Abel was watching cartoons as he colored.

"I am still planning on attending the visit today with our sons," Tara explained, biting her lip nervously, "I actually have a question about the visit. I know this will sound strange, but I was wondering if there is any reason Jax had to be restrained during the boys' visit. I just worry about...it frightening my sons."

"Dr. Knowles, Mr. Teller is a felon," Mr. Hanley explained as if she was slow "And recently involved in violent confrontation with more than one inmate."

"I understand," Tara said, sighing as she heard Mr. Policies and Regulations ready to go toe to toe with her, "It's just...I don't want my kids, especially my two year old to-"

"I understand your concerns Dr. Knowles, but the policies on this are non-negotiable," Mr. Hanley said sternly, "For prison officials' safety and for yours as well." Tara was about to tell him he was being ridiculous, that Jax would never become violent in front of the kids, but stopped herself. Mr. Hanley had been exceptionally kind for a prison counselor. He had already broken one rule for her.

Tara pursed her lips, knowing he wouldn't budge on this. After confirming she was still bringing the boys to the visit with Jax's counselor, Tara hung up and thought about how she could explain to her almost three year old what he would see...Thomas wouldn't know what he was seeing, but Abel would.

"Abel, come here," she called, setting Thomas down in his carrier so she could hold Abel to talk to him.

Abel looked up at her and then back at the TV. Tara smiled. Abel could understand simple commands and converse fairly easily, though he stumbled on his sentences when excited or angry. Right now, he was just choosing to watch his cartoons rather than listen to Tara.

"Abel, get over here, now," she said more firmly.

Abel got to his feet, keeping his eyes glued to the TV. Tara sighed and reached for the remote and clicked the TV off, needing Abel's full attention for this conversation.

Abel whimpered about his program being turned off for a few minutes, before walking to Tara and climbing on the bed next to Tara somewhat awkwardly.

Tara grabbed him so she held him in her lap and said, "Abel, we are going to have a fun day today. We are going to see Daddy and then we will go to the Children's Museum to see the dinosaurs."

Abel babbled excitedly and Tara chuckled, calming him down before continuing.

"Abel, Daddy got a bad owwie, so when we see him we need to be really careful, okay? He won't be able to play, alright?" Tara said, studying her son's face.

He looked confused and asked, "Daddy play trucks?"

Tara shook her head and said, "No, Daddy can't play trucks. He is too hurt, so we need to be really careful. Do you understand, Abel?"

"Daddy has owwie," Abel said, looking up at Tara to confirm what she was telling him.

Tara nodded and said, "So we need to be careful. Can you help me take care of Daddy today?"

Abel nodded and repeated, "Daddy has owwie."

Tara nodded, kissing him on top of the head before setting him down on his feet.

"Okay, I am going to change your brother and then we are going to get ready to go, okay? Do you have to go potty?" Tara asked.

Abel just ignored Tara and ran toward Thomas in the carrier, whispering, "Tommy, Daddy has owwie."

Tara smiled and walked up to grab Thomas and change him before packing up their bags and heading out for a long day. Usually she wouldn't add the Children's Museum, but she didn't want the last thing they did for the day to be a visit to prison. If Abel dreamed tonight, it would be about dinosaurs, not prison bars or the fact that his daddy couldn't hold him.

Tara arrived to the prison a half hour later and began the lengthy process of checking in and having all their belongings searched by Officer Hanley. Tara expected him to be as abrupt with the boys as she had experienced, but he was actually very kind. For some reason it put Tara at ease.

As they walked through the prison halls towards the hospital wing they had, Tara held Thomas tightly in one arm and clenched Abel's hand in hers tightly, keeping him close.

Officer Hanley could see she was terrified to have her sons there, and he tried to reassure her, but it wouldn't work.

Abel looked up at Tara, sensing her unease, and even though she expected him to get nervous like she was, he remained silent and stayed close to her.

Officer Hanley unlocked the door to Jax's room and Tara walked through it, expecting to see Jax still lying strapped to the bed, but instead he sat up, his arms over the covers...unstrapped. _What_? He looked better just sitting up like that.

"Daddy!" Abel cried, trying to peel his hand free from Tara's but she restrained him, not knowing the rules now. Officer Hanley had unstrapped Jax from his restraints. She looked to Officer Hanley with tears of gratitude in her eyes.

"Like we spoke about on the phone, restraints are mandatory for all inmates with violent infractions, but you will have an _uninterrupted _visit for an hour," Officer Hanley said sternly, a small smile on his face. Tara beamed at him, wiping her eyes as she released Abel's hand. He immediately bolted towards Jax's bed. He was bending the rules for her again. Why?

Tara turned to Officer Hanley and whispered, "Thank you, Mr. Hanley."

He gave her a tightlipped smile before walking out and shutting and locking the door behind him.

Tara turned to Jax, who was smiling down at Abel. He glanced up, tears in his eyes.

"He's gotten so...big. They both have," Jax murmured.

Tara smiled and walked forward to Abel, who was trying to find a way to climb up on the bed to Jax.

Tara gently laid Thomas on Jax's lap and then picked Abel up and said, "Abel, do you remember what we talked about this morning?"

Abel nodded, looking to Jax anxiously. He wanted to be held.

"Daddy is hurt and we need to be careful with him, okay?" Tara reminded gently before placing Abel next to Jax who wrapped his arms around Abel and hugged him to him tightly.

Tara sat in the chair next to the bed and watched as the boys reacquainted themselves with their father.

Tara just watched, seeing Jax absorb their children as if he had never seen them before and might never see them again, only occasionally glancing to Tara with a small smile on his lips.

"Thank you for bringing them," he murmured, his eyes focused on Thomas.

She nodded and smiled, "Abel has been excited all morning."

Jax looked down at Abel momentarily and then back to Tara. They just looked at each other until Tara said, "How are you feeling? Your wounds?"

Jax just shrugged. Tara frowned and stood, walking towards him and lifting Abel to the side. He was distractedly playing with two toy cars and didn't notice his mother's relocation. Tara lifted Jax's shirt slowly, glancing towards him for permission. He only watched her as she fingered the bandage and lifted it.

She winced as she looked at the stab wounds. These...these would have really hurt. Even though inmates of the US Penal System were entitled to healthcare and medical treatment, the treatment was subpar and borderline neglectful.

The stitches alone were sloppy. Tara wondered how sloppy the inside work was. She lightly traced the red skin around the wound and pursed her lips, angered that this happened to him and scared it would happen again before he got out.

"It doesn't hurt," Jax said, placing his hand over hers and squeezing it lightly. He grasped her hand in his and lifted it to his lips, kissing the palm of her hand gently. Tara just watched as he placed her hand over his heart and held it there.

"This hurts more," he whispered.

Tara fought her tears and looked down so he wouldn't see her cry. She bit her lip in an attempt to stem the flow of her tears.

"You don't believe me," Jax said, "Do you?"

Tara looked up, her hand still over the steady thud of his heart. She knew what he was talking about, but she couldn't tell him.

"About Samcro. About getting out?" he prompted when she didn't acknowledge his question.

Tara looked down, pulling her hand from his chest and whispered, "I want to."

She couldn't look up to him. Tara couldn't see his face right now. Whatever expression his face held, it would break her heart right here in this prison. And she couldn't fall apart. Not now.

"So bad," Tara said after a moment, "I want to believe you _so _bad, Jax."

She looked up and there was the face...his face was blank and it caused her to flinch. Whenever he put his walls up to her...it was the worst feeling in the world. Like she was all alone in the world.

Jax looked down at Thomas in his lap and played with his long curls. Tara couldn't bear to cut them. Not yet.

"His hair is too long," Jax whispered, changing the subject.

She nodded and shrugged.

"But it's so soft," he murmured, as if in wonder. He ran his fingers over the soft tendrils until he lifted his gaze to Tara's once more.

"I have made a lot of promises to you since we were kids Tara," Jax said, his gaze intense, "But this promise is one I will keep. And when I do, I hope you never doubt me again."

Tara was silent, shocked by the intensity in his words and in his eyes.

"I hope so too," Tara said finally, in a soft voice.

Jax looked at her a few moments and said, "I love you."

Tara stepped closer, perching on the side of his bed and rested her hand over his heart as she grabbed his hand and placed it over hers.

"I love you too," she whispered, leaning forward and kissing his hurt heart. Gemma's words came back to her…You're a healer…

She hoped that she could heal his hurt heart with those three words and her healing kiss.

Jax

Jax played with the boys, and even though Abel listened to his mommy and was gentle, Jax was still worn out as their time came to a close. Tara had put a napping Thomas in his carrier and held Abel on her lap as she talked to him. Sometimes they didn't talk, just held hands.

It was nice. As nice as it could be behind the heavily locked door and cold cement block walls.

As he looked down at Thomas, he remembered that horrible dream. The sweet baby would not meet that fate. Jax wouldn't let him.

Jax gripped Tara's hand, knowing she was the last good thing in his life. Her and the boys. Now he needed to plan his way out, but he knew it would be hard. Fortunately, he knew what he was going to do after he got out...his father had helped with that. Now he just needed the how...how would he get out? Leave Samcro?

As Tara sat there, holding his hand, Jax allowed his thoughts to wander to something other than her and the boys. Being in jail...it was _constant_...Tara and the boys...over and over. It drove him insane most nights.

But here they were.

Jax looked at the clock, having so little time with Tara and the boys. She wouldn't be back until next week.

"How long are you staying in California?" Jax asked. It had only been six months. Not even halfway through their sentence.

"Until you get better, I guess. Officer Hanley said that could be next week," Tara said, running her hands through Abel's messy hair.

Jax nodded and said, "You haven't told anyone you are back, right? From Charming?"

Tara shook her head and replied, "The only person that knows is Margaret from St. Thomas. I trust her."

Jax nodded and said, "I don't want anyone knowing you are here. Especially Gemma."

Tara furrowed her eyebrow in confusion. Usually she was the paranoid one when it came his mother. Jax knew he could never call Gemma just an old lady...ever again.

"You are singing my tune," Tara whispered, running her hand lightly over his forehead, "What's wrong?"

Her tone was concerned.

"I just...I want the boys to be safe and that can't happen if she knows where they are. Where you are," he said, not wanting to frighten her. Or call him crazy for making decisions based on a dream, no matter how real it seemed.

Tara nodded and said, "Okay, baby."

Jax smiled at her and said, "I love you. You know that, right?"

Tara smiled a small, sad smile...Jax wished the sad wasn't there, but at the same time, he got where she was coming from. The person she loved was in prison. She was raising their sons on her own.

"I love you, Jax."

Jax looked down and noted Abel, now sleeping next to his leg, gripping it tightly.

Jax smiled down at him and ran his hands over his head.

"Thank you for this," he whispered, "For protecting them. Loving them."

Tara smiled and nodded, "That's not a burden. It's my blessing."

Jax smiled and brushed his hand along her cheek. She had no idea how often he dreamed of doing that. Just touching her.

"Your counselor," Tara said, grabbing his hand and squeezing it in his own, "He is trustworthy?"

Jax shrugged, "I don't know him well. He seems fair. But I never trust a cop."

"Says the felon," Tara said, smirking.

Jax chuckled and shrugged in response to that.

"He has broken the rules now," Tara murmured softly, "Twice now."

Jax looked up at her in confusion.

"Rules?"

"The first time...to talk on the phone with you to tell you I was coming," Tara explained, "You might now remember. You were pretty out of it."

Jax nodded and Tara said, "And this, she said, raising his hand and touching his bare wrist. Usually you are restrained and he told me that before I came here today."

"Before you came here?" Jax asked, something feeling off. Was she in danger? Were the boys?

Tara nodded, "I called and asked if the restraints were necessary for the visit. I didn't want the boys to see. For them to get scared."

Jax hadn't even thought to question the guard taking the restraints off before Tara's visit.

Jax thought about everything, wondering if Hanley had an angle...what did he want? Was he working for someone else...trying to get to him or Samcro through Tara or the boys? In Jax's world, nothing was free. Not even kindness.

"Was I wrong?" Tara asked, interpreting his silence for anger or fear.

Jax looked up and she looked terrified, her hand resting on Abel's back. She looked like she was about to snatch Abel into her arms and run.

Jax cleared his face and said, "We just have to be careful."

Tara nodded, "Okay."

Jax pulled her forward, angling his face to hers. She smiled at him and then kissed him lightly. His heart flip flopped as Tara pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. He ignored the pain from his wounds as he pulled her closer too, tangling his tongue with hers. .

He had missed her. _Everything _about her, especially the sex. Tara was a hellcat in bed and his body ached for hers.

"Tara," he groaned against her lips, trying to remind himself that he was gravely injured, their kids were in the same room, and he was in prison.

"I know," she murmured, pecking his lips as if she missed him as much as he missed her.

Jax, kissed her lightly, running his hands across her cheeks then rested his forehead against hers.

They stayed like that until a knock made them jump apart before being unlocked and then opened. Officer Hanley walked in and said, "Time to say goodbye."

Tara nodded and Officer Hanley stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door to give them privacy.

Tara kissed Jax once more and said, "We will see you next week."

Jax nodded and Tara picked Abel up and rubbed his back, "Abel, can you wake up and say goodbye to daddy?"

Abel murmured tiredly against her neck and Jax smiled as he reached for him.

"Be careful, Jax, your stitches," she warned, picking Thomas in his carrier. Jax nodded and handled Abel carefully.

"Bye little man," Jax whispered against the top of Abel's head, "Take care of mommy and your brother for me, will you?"

Abel nodded tiredly, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"I love you, Abel," Jax said, "I will see you real soon. Okay?"

"You come see dinosaurs?" Abel asked, looking at Tara.

"No, baby. Daddy has to stay here to feel better, so he can't come see the dinosaurs today," Tara explained. Jax nodded frowning and Abel hugged him and said, "It's okay Daddy, I tell you all about them tomorrow."

Jax didn't have the heart to tell him he wouldn't see him until next week. He just hugged him back.

He nodded and said, "Thank you. Will you color me pictures too?"

Abel nodded and Tara held Thomas out for Jax to kiss and say goodbye to before Hanley stepped back in and escorted them out.

When Jax was better, he was going to get to the bottom of Hanley and his kindness to Tara and him...until then, he would be wary.

**So I had problems with this chapter for some reason. I hope you enjoyed it! Please review or write me a message. The support always helps!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi everyone! Sorry for the slight break. I was just enjoying the first week of summer! It's been too lovely out to sit inside and write...forgive me please. Anyway...while I have been outside, I have been thinking about these stories and where I am going to take them. So stay tuned. **

**Thanks for reading everyone and for all your amazing feedback! You all are amazing and I adore each one of you! Mwah!**

**Enjoy!**

And Then What

Chapter 11

Jax

"Teller!"

Jax walked to the IO officer who called him over, wondering what he wanted.

"Your attorney is here," he stated.

Jax wrinkled his brow in confusion, but nodded and allowed the officer to escort him to the room reserved for attorney visits.

Jax walked in and was uncuffed as he sat across from Lowen.

"What brings you down here?" Jax asked, leaning forward and rubbing his forehead. He hadn't seen Lowen in months. Since he had made a deal, their case and their sentence was pretty black and white.

"I came to deliver this," Lowen said, sliding a letter to him, which he accepted. If Lowen was delivering it, it meant that whatever it was, the writer didn't want it to be read by prison officials.

He studied the penmanship, immediately recognizing it, and jerked in surprise before asking Lowen, "Tara sent this to you?"

She nodded and said, "To my office. She wrote that it be under the strictest confidence I didn't read the enclosed letter. She signed the seal to make sure I didn't read it."

Jax flipped the letter in his hand, and there it was. Her signature. He fingered her delicate scrawl before tearing open the letter. Enclosed was a letter written in her hand, and a picture of the boys.

In her neat print, she started the letter by telling Jax that she and the boys were fine, along with brief updates on both boys.

Thomas had started to crawl and for his third birthday, Abel got a trike. Jax smiled at the image her words painted, but he remembered the photo she had included, which depicted the event.

Abel sat proudly on his trike, which was a Harley Davidson big wheel. He chuckled at Tara's selection, and studied the image fondly. Thomas held onto the trike's big wheel for balance as he looked up at his brother.

He read on, and was surprised that Tara had decided to move out of her apartment. She had purchased a house. The closing was at the end of the month and they would move in after that. Located in a close suburb of Portland, Tara described the neighborhood as being kid friendly and in a good school district.

He was surprised she was moving. She hadn't mentioned anything to him when they had last spoke.

It had been four months since he had last seen or heard from Tara and the boys. He had healed nicely, according to the doctors and even to a grudging Tara. She knew the minute that he was out of the hospital ward, she would have to say goodbye to Jax and take their boys home and leave him behind.

Jax had asked her not to write or phone...unless necessary. There were eyes and ears everywhere in prison and information could be bought. So he knew the less contact he had with her and the boys, the safer she would be. Tara had reluctantly agreed and upon his release from the prison, she had left, taking the boys with her.

Jax had been planning since they had left how he would get out of Samcro. As he thought everything over, he came to the conclusion that he needed Clay on his side. He needed Clay to release him from the Sons. Jax imagined his picture hanging upside down on the wall. A year ago, the idea would have tormented him, but now...it didn't seem so bad.

_The club isn't my legacy...you are my legacy._..his dad had said in the dream. And even though it had been a dream, Jax knew it was the truth. His father had never wanted the life for him or his brother. This sentiment resonated in Jax because he never wanted the club to be apart of Abel and Thomas' lives.

While Chibs, Kozik and the other boys handled the Club on the outside, Clay very much had a plan brewing on the inside. Jax could feel it, even though Clay didn't talk about it. Whatever it was...it had to be _big_.

Jax knew Clay would only reveal the plan when he wanted to. Jax just hoped that it was something that he could manipulate Clay into giving him his freedom for.

Jax scanned the rest of the letter, not really wanting to read it in front of Lowen. She was watching him, waiting instructions.

"Thank you for this," Jax said, folding the letter up and slipping it in his pocket, along with the picture.

"Do you want me to respond?" Lowen asked.

Jax shook his head and said, "No. And I would appreciate that you keep this all confidential. Even from Gemma. I don't need her sniffing around Tara any more than necessary."

"Gemma's house arrest will be done by the end of the month," Lowen informed him as studied him, "She wanted to know if she had been put on your visitation list. She has gotten the paperwork to me."

"She is on the list," Jax said stiffly. He had been having a hard time with his mother lately. Since his dream, he hadn't been able to forget her part in the nightmare. And although he knew it didn't really happen, he was still wary over his mother...knowing just what she was capable of.

Their phone conversations had been brief and tense. Gemma was mystified and even hurt by her son's behavior, but Jax couldn't help it...the cold blooded nature of Tara's murder in the dream...it wasn't something he could just get over.

Jax was angry that he had revealed where Tara had run to so many months ago to his mother. He just hoped that when Gemma was released from house arrest, she didn't go to Portland, looking for Tara or the boys. Luckily she was on probation and wouldn't be able to cross state lines for a while.

It also helped that Tara would be moving and Juice was currently locked up with him in prison, so Gemma wouldn't be able to access the club's go-to hacker to try and track her down.

Lowen packed up her briefcase and asked, "Is there anything else I can do while I am here?"

Jax shook his head, standing. He wanted to ask Lowen to get a message to Tara, but he didn't want to risk it. Gemma could get to Lowen…as he thought about it, he realized how far his paranoia had gone. But he wouldn't change it….not when Tara and the boys' safety was on the line.

Jax tapped the reinforced glass window to let the guards know he was ready to go back to his cell.

Lowen walked by and said, "I was happy to help, Jackson."

"Thanks," Jax said, anxious to get back to his cell so he could read through Tara's letter thoroughly.

Lowen exited first while Jax waited for the guard to come back and escort him to his cell.

As he walked back to his cell, Hanley stopped him.

"Teller, I need to see you in my office," he said gruffly.

Jax wondered what he wanted. He never went to Hanley even though he was Jax's assigned counselor. The prison gave every inmate a counselor to check in and make sure that they weren't suicidal. Jax wasn't suicidal, so he didn't think it was necessary to talk to him.

Jax still hadn't figured out Hanley's motives, so he was wary.

Jax followed Hanley into his office and sat after Hanley motioned for him to sit in front of his desk.

"I understand you have just been to see you lawyer," Hanley said.

Jax nodded, wondering where this was going.

Hanley leaned back in his chair, studying Jax as he thought something through. It made Jax uneasy.

"You remind me of myself when I was younger, Teller," Hanley said, shocking Jax. How did he make that connection?

Hanley smirked and lifted up his sleeve to reveal a large back splotch on his upper arm...Jax had seen it before.

"You…?"

Hanley nodded and said, "I was a member of the Devil's Tribe Motorcycle Club. Indian Hills. Got out shortly after I patched in."

Jax raised his eyebrows in shock.

"Devil's Tribe? We-"

Hanley smirked and nodded, "Sons patched over them. I heard."

Jax now really wondered where this was going.

"So...why did you leave?" Jax asked, wondering if Hanley would tell him.

Hanley leaned forward, resting his elbows on his desk and said, "I killed a man. My first and only. It changed me. And I realized soon, it would change me into someone I didn't know. Did I really want to be somebody who got used to killing people?"

Jax nodded in understanding. After his first kill, he had acted nonchalant in front of the club, but when he went home to his empty house, he cried.

Hanley smoothed his shirt back over his blotted out tat and said, "I know you don't trust me. Don't trust anyone and that's smart. But, I will offer you this advice: getting out...it isn't something that can be done _with _your club. You just need to walk away."

Jax looked at him and wondered how Hanley knew he wanted out.

"How do you know?" Jax asked, tense now. He wondered if he would tell Clay...tell the guys.

Hanley shrugged and said, "When your old lady came...I saw how different you were with her and your kids than when you are walking these halls."

Jax remained silent as he listened. Would he tell Clay? Could Hanley be bought?

"You don't belong here, Teller," Hanley said, "And you need help. There are government programs-"

"Being apart of an MC at one time, you should know we don't exactly work in government circles," Jax said, cutting him off.

"You may not be working in a system supported by the _American _government, but you are working in a government. You have just traded it out for one where you have less rights and are in more danger. Especially the deeper you go," Hanley said.

Jax clenched his teeth. All these things he had thought himself, but to hear it validated by this guy...

"Think about it...even your MC has a president, vice president ...you have a pecking order...a social order. You have laws. MCs aren't anarchists. It's a romantic idea, but what you have subscribed to is a cult of violence and chaos, trying to stay afloat," Hanley said.

Jax swallowed as he listened to the older man. He was right.

"I don't get invested in cases, typically," Hanley said, leaning forward, "But when I first spoke to your old lady, I looked over your case file."

Tara...what had she said to make this man give a shit about Jax.

"She is...special. I never could tell my old lady anything. She had an idea of what I was. What the MC was. I hated that. Having secrets. Eventually, she left me. Took our kids with her."

Jax nodded, and said, "I'm sorry. Must be tough."

Hanley only nodded and said, "Your old lady...you are lucky to have her. She is strong."

Jax nodded. Tara was strong. Stronger than Jax.

"Don't you lose her," Hanley said, "You are going to need her. And you are going to need help...from somebody if you want to get out."

Jax remained silent as he looked over Hanley. Why was he telling him this.

"I have a lot of contacts that could help you, Teller," Hanley said, "They could help you get out safely. I won't pressure you to take my help or to trust me, I just want you to know, my office door is open."

Jax nodded and Hanley gave him a tight smile.

Jax stood and Hanley tapped the glass for guard escort.

Before the guard unlocked the door, Jax turned to Hanley and asked, "Why are you doing this? Why do you want to help me and Tara?"

Hanley smiled a sad smile and said, "I needed help and nobody was there. Wouldn't you some lost kid if you were in my shoes?"

Jax didn't get a chance to answer him before the guard was there, ushering him out of Hanely's office.

Tara

Tara directed movers as she wiped out shelves, listening to Thomas and Abel run around the empty house in excitement. She would stop them, but she knew that the more energy they burned, the longer they would be out later when they went to bed.

Tara had a lot of work to do and not a lot of time or hands to help her.

She had begun cleaning the house the day before, cleaning up the nursery and Abel's room before moving on to the rest of the house. First the bathroom, then the kitchen, and finally her own bedroom. Big rooms would be last.

"Ma'am, the crib?" a mover asked.

Tara nodded, dropping her rag.

"The crib and anything marked 'Thomas' goes in here," Tara instructed, showing them in the nursery. It had been freshly painted a grassy green color. She had hired a lady that worked at the hospital to paint dinosaurs on the walls, since Thomas had become obsessed with them since their visit to the dinosaur exhibit in Stockton.

The mover nodded and she heard him call out the orders to the guys. Soon the room was full and Tara busied herself in there to pack everything away and set it all up so she could put Thomas down in his bed for his nap. It took her a couple of hours, especially since she had to direct the movers to other rooms of the house with all the furniture and boxes.

Once she was satisfied with Thomas's room, she moved onto Abel's, whose room was painted sky blue. One wall had a street mural with motorcycles on it. Abel was very much like Jax, especially with cars, trucks, and motorcycles...anything on four wheels. He also liked trains.

Tara worked in there frantically, thanking the finished movers and feeding the boys lunch about halfway through.

After lunch, Thomas went down for a nap almost immediately and Abel insisted he wasn't tired even though he rubbed his eyes.

Tara smiled and said, "How about I put on a movie for you? You can try out our new couch."

Abel smiled and nodded and Tara led him into the barren family room, where the new couch still with the plastic on it sat. She ripped off the plastic and set Abel up, grabbing him a throw blanket from one of the laundry baskets and a pillow.

Tara put in Frozen, knowing that if Abel didn't fall asleep, it would at least keep him occupied while she finished up his room.

As she finished up his room, even getting some of the pictures hung up, she felt herself tiring after such a long day. Tara knew she wouldn't be able to get to her room tonight. She would just be able to make up the bed and crash.

Tara walked into the living room and spotted her Abel sound asleep on the couch. She smiled and walked up to him and kissed his forehead gently. She had enough energy to finish the kitchen so she could make some dinner.

But the kitchen ended up taking longer than she liked because she had to think about where she wanted shit...how she wanted it organized. By the time she was finished, she didn't have any energy to cook dinner, so she ordered a pizza for her and Abel.

Thomas woke up at the doorbell and Abel was back to watching Frozen, sucking his thumb as he watched Tara answer the door. Tara quickly grabbed a crying Thomas out of his crib before she answered the door. Tara expected the pizza boy, but the man standing there wasn't a pizza boy. Unless they now delivered in suits….nice, expensive suits.

"Uh, hi?" she asked, bouncing a fussy Thomas on her hip.

"You aren't pizza," Tara said, smiling.

"No," he responded, "Sorry I didn't mean to disturb you. You seem like you have your hands full."

"Oh, no, just getting ready for dinner," she said, "Can I help you?"

"No, I am your new neighbor," the man said. He was really handsome. Tall, dark hair. Kind brown eyes...built, but not too much.

"Oh," Tara said, sticking her hand out, "My name is Tara."

"Sean," he replied gesturing towards his house, "Sean Dwyer." He took her hand and squeezed it a second before releasing it and saying, "Just wanted to introduce myself and say welcome to the neighborhood. If you need anything, go bug Mr. Havers across the way," he joked with a smirk.

Tara smiled and he said, "Just joking. Mr. Havers is eighty seven. And crotchety...so I can help you with anything."

Tara laughed and said, "Thanks Sean. I appreciate it."

He nodded and said, "Well I'll let you get back to your evening. Enjoy your pizza."

Tara smiled and nodded as he took a step off her porch. She closed the door as he left her pathway and she walked back to the living room.

"I'm hungry," Abel whined when Tara appeared without their pizza.

Tara nodded and said, "Should be soon, honey."

Abel focused on the screen once more and zoned out to Elsa and...oh crap what the hell was her name? Tara felt like she had seen this movie a hundred times, she should bloody well know the damn main characters' names. _Ana_! That was it.

As Tara began to plop down, the doorbell rang and Tara looked to Abel who gave her an excited squeal.

"That's pizza baby!" she said, jumping to her feet.

She jogged to the door and opened it. When she reached for her billfold, the pizza guy said, "A man from next door paid. Said to give you this."

Tara crinkled her eyebrow and took the receipt with the scribbled note.

_Enjoy your dinner! Consider this your housewarming gift! -Sean_

Tara smiled and said, "Thank you," accepting the pizza from the teenager. Tara closed the door and called to Abel, "Come on baby, dinner is here. Go wash your hands in your new bathroom."

Tara heard Abel scramble from the couch and run towards the bathroom to do as he was told. She listened for the sink, knowing sometimes Abel tried to pretend he washed...but there was the unmistakable sound of his climbing on his little stool and the faucet running. He must be excited about the new house.

Tara set Thomas in his high chair before going to the fridge and grabbing out the milk for Abel and a can of soda for her. She then grabbed a tiny jar of applesauce for Thomas and the box of cereal that was sure to end up on the floor.

Tara opened the jar as Abel came back in and sat on his chair, waiting for his dinner. His hands were still wet and Tara grabbed a towel and dried them before putting his plate down in front of him. Abel began eating and began talking about Frozen to Tara as she absentmindedly listened to him.

She sat down and slowly fed Thomas who would occasionally push away the spoonful of applesauce she was trying to feed him. She then reached for the baby cereal she had bought him and poured a little pile on his high chair tray. He immediately fisted some of it and lifted it to his applesauce covered mouth.

Tara smiled at her boys as she ate her own pizza. Her life...it was busy and hectic, juggling two boys and her career. Tara had caved and bought a car, which made everything much easier to manage. And as Abel grew, she knew she wanted Thomas and Abel to have a yard...a place to ride their bikes. So she bought a house.

Initially, she thought she would wait to move...wait for Jax. But a small part of her still had a hard time believing he could get out. Jax was so entangled in it. She had barely made it out. How did he think he was going to?

So Tara knew she couldn't wait. She wanted the best for Abel and for Thomas. And she wanted it for them now. Jax...he would always be welcome. Always. But they couldn't put their life on hold for 'maybe'.

She looked around her new house. Their new house and imagined them growing up here. Her next big buy would be a swing set...or a treehouse. Maybe for Christmas.

Tara smiled at the thought. When Thomas had first been born...hell, when Abel had first come to live with her, Tara wasn't sure she could do it. Be a single mother. Raise Thomas and Abel alone. It was so much work. Gratifying, but _sooo _much work.

Sometimes Tara cried herself to sleep with Abel, who cried out for Jax that first week relentlessly. Then when he stopped crying for Jax, Tara cried harder...wondering and worrying if Abel could forget his father so easily. That week, she had taken every photo she had of Jax and plastered his face around their apartment, so Abel was force fed his image to remember.

As she looked around, she knew...even if Jax didn't come to stay, they would be okay. It would be hard and Tara and both boys would miss him terribly. But...they would survive.

Now, Tara prayed that Jax would come back. As easily as she could imagine the boys growing in this house, she could imagine Jax and her grow old here. She could see their life together if he got out. And she wanted it. So, sooo bad. She wanted that more than anything. She didn't just want to survive without him. She wanted him here, with her and the boys, safe and happy.

That would be the image she would cling to. Maybe she couldn't believe Jax when he told her he was getting out, but she sure as hell would hope for it. She would hold on to that hope and that image.

**So do you all remember Sean? From the dream in chapter eight...he was the guy Tara married in the first part of Jax's dream...just to add a little drama! Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading everyone!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hi everyone, so this chapter is all Tara, but there is a Jax cameo. So let me know what you think. Thanks for reading everyone and enjoy!**

And Then What

Chapter 12

Tara

Tara woke to her cell phone ringing. She rolled, groaning as her sore muscles protested after moving and unpacking all day yesterday. She yawned as the phone rang again and she collided with Abel's little body snuggled up next to her. She smiled, remembering putting him to bed in his new room last night.

Looked like this was going to be a hard habit to break. She leaned down and kissed his forehead, inhaling his scent that was ingrained in her.

Tara climbed out of bed, throwing on her robe before making her way to the kitchen where her phone was plugged in.

She reached it just in time for it to stop ringing and go to voicemail. As she waited to hear the telltale beep of the message on her phone, she started a pot of coffee and made a list of stuff she needed to complete.

Tara had taken very little time off to complete this move. She had taken off only two weeks to get everything done. Last week had been packing everything up and this week was moving and unpacking everything. Her list was daunting.

The beep came right as she was taking her first sip of coffee and she lifted it to her ear as it dialed her voicemail. From the caller ID, it looked like the hospital was calling, but she had no idea why. She had taken the time off and told her colleagues she wouldn't be available for consults.

The message was from Lisa, their office manager.

_Hi Dr. Knowles, sorry to bother you when you took the time off, but I have a strange situation. There is a woman here that says she needs to see you urgently. That you are family. If you could give me a call back…."_

_Family_? The only family Tara had been dead. Except her aunt, but she hadn't seen or spoken to her dad's sister in years. She would have no way of finding

Her stomach dropped as she realized who it must be. Gemma.

Tara quickly called Lisa back and asked for a description of her 'family' member and it could only match one Gemma Teller.

"Dr. Knowles?" Lisa asked, jarring Tara back to reality. She had come for him. For her Abel.

Realistically, Tara always knew she would. Gemma was defined by her role as mother and grandmother. With Jax inside, Abel was the only thing she had to cling to until Jax returned. And even then, Gemma would fiercely fight for her grandson.

"Dr. Knowles, should I tell her you are on the line?" Lisa asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

"She is there with you now?" Tara asked.

"She is waiting in the waiting area," Lisa said, "She seems agitated."

I bet she did, Tara thought.

"Lisa, tell her I haven't called back yet if she asks. I need to check on a few things and then I will call you back. Okay?" Tara asked.

Lisa agreed and hung up the phone with Tara.

Tara quickly scrolled through her phone looking for a number she hadn't called in months.

"Hanely," a gruff voice answered.

"Officer Hanely, my name is Dr. Tara Knowles," Tara said, her voice shaking.

"Yes, Jax Teller's...contact," he settled, not really sure what Tara was to him.

"Yes," Tara said, running her hands through her hair nervously as her eyes trained on her sleeping son next to her, "I know this is probably a strange request, but I need to talk to Jax as soon as possible. It is an emergency. Can you ask him to call me at this number?"

Silence fell over the line and then Officer Hanley asked, "Are you in danger, Dr. Knowles?"

_Yes_, Tara thought immediately. If Abel was taken from her again, she wouldn't survive. , "I...I am not sure. Maybe. Which is why I need to talk to Jax."

"Do you need the police?" Hanley said, as if she were slow.

"Not...not yet," Tara stammered out.

"I will get the message to him now. Make sure he calls you," Hanley said quickly.

Tara sighed in relief and he said, "I will do this if you promise to call 911 if your situation becomes more tenuous, Doctor."

Tara nodded and then said, "I promise. And...thank you Officer."

The line clicked and Tara quickly picked up Abel and headed to Thomas' nursery where Thomas was awake, standing in his bed with a big smile, waiting for her and his breakfast.

"Morning baby," she said, settling Abel down on the twin bed in Thomas' room.

She picked Thomas up and changed him as quickly as possible. Today, Tara knew she would need to get both boys up and ready for every eventuality. Ever since Jax had dropped off Abel, she knew she needed to be prepared for every eventuality. And she was.

Tara had emergency bags packed for all of them in case she needed to get up and go. She wasn't at that level of panic yet, but she was getting closer and closer the longer her phone remained silent.

Abel was now wide awake, asking if he could watch cartoons.

"We can watch cartoons as we eat breakfast," Tara said absentmindedly as she changed Thomas, "Abel, go and pick out an outfit you want to wear today and I will be in shortly to help you get dressed."

Abel nodded and walked to his new room. Tara carried Thomas to the kitchen even though he tried to wriggle out of her grasp. Her youngest was itching to crawl everywhere and soon he would be running. Usually she gave into him and let him get where he was going, but not today.

She set him in his high chair. She cut up a banana and set it in front of him.

Tara walked back to Abel's room, checking her phone to make sure it had reception.

"Abel," Tara scolded, seeing that instead of picking an outfit to wear, he had decided to play with his toys.

"I told you to pick an outfit," she said, going to his dresser and grabbing the first things that would work.

"Mommy, I don't want to wear that!" he said indignantly.

"I told you to pick out an outfit and you didn't," Tara said impatiently.

"I want to wear my Spiderman shirt," he said, standing next to Tara and rifling through the folded laundry.

"Baby, it's in the dirty laundry," Tara tried to explain patiently, "How about your X-Men shirt?" Abel could full on tantrum and she couldn't deal with it today.

Abel pouted but nodded as Tara helped him change quickly and then took him to the kitchen.

"Which cereal do you want?" she asked, reaching for a bowl and spoon.

"Cheerios," Abel said, pointing to the Honey Nut Cheerios.

Tara nodded, grabbing the box and a banana. She set the cereal in front of him and cut up the banana like she had for Thomas. Thomas reached for Abel's cereal, who said, "Mine, Tommy."

Tara poured a little pile of Cheerios on Thomas' tray and he immediately stuck a handful in his mouth.

With the boys eating, she said, "Abel, I am going to go change. Keep an eye on Tommy."

She raced to her room and took a five second shower and brushed her teeth as she walked back out to find the boys in the same position, eye trained on the TV with cartoons on it.

She smiled and walked back to her room and quickly got dressed, brushing her wet hair out and letting it air dry. As she finished combing it, the phone rang.

"Hello?" she asked. "Hello and inmate from Stockton Correctional Facility is trying to reach you would you-"

"YES!" she hollered into the phone.

"Tara?" Jax asked, his voice terrified, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?"

"Gemma," Tara said, "She is here."

Silence on the other end and Tara could swear she could hear his mind working furiously over the phone.

"She is there? At the new house?" Jax asked, his voice tense.

Tara answered, "No, I got a call from the hospital saying she was there looking for me. Did you know she was coming? I thought she was on house arrest."

"She was, she was released this week," Jax said, "She is still on probation though. So if she causes trouble or tries anything..._anything_ Tara, call the police and tell them she is violating her probation."

Tara nodded, glad to have that little tidbit in her back pocket.

"She doesn't know where you live either," Jax said, as if to reassure himself.

"Should I be worried?" Tara asked nervously.

"No," Jax said after a minute of silence, "I don't think so. Are the boys okay?"

"They are fine," Tara said, sighing as she slowly felt her body relax, "They miss you. Are you okay?"

"As good as I can be considering the circumstances," he said, a hint of a smile on his voice, "I miss you, Tara."

Tara smiled and closed her eyes. She missed him too.

"I miss you," she said quietly, "Do you want to say hi to the boys?"

"Yeah," he said after a minute.

Tara nodded and headed towards the kitchen where Thomas was throwing Cheerios at Abel, who was trying to stop him.

"Mommy, Tommy is throwing Cheerios," Abel whined.

"Abel," Tara said, handing him the phone, "Daddy is on the phone."

"Daddy?" Abel asked, snatching the phone from Tara and pressing his ear to the phone.

"Daddy?" he said excitedly into the phone. Tara watched in amusement as she watched Abel's eyes flick back and forth as he listened to what Jax was saying.

"Yes," Abel answered. Silence that followed a little more, and then, "My room has motorcycles."

Tara chuckled deciding to let them talk as she got her cup of coffee.

As she made her coffee, she thought of how she was going to deal with Gemma. She was pretty sure she had a plan in mind.

"Okay, Daddy," Abel said, extending the phone to Tara. Tara took it from him and placed it back to her ear.

"Thomas?" she asked, knowing he would just get an earful of babble and munching on Cheerios.

"Just hold it up to his ear for a second, will you?" Jax asked, surprising her.

Tara held up the phone to Thomas' ear and Jax was talking because Thomas looked to her for an explanation for what he was hearing.

When she heard Jax's end of the line silence, she pulled the phone back to her ear.

"So you going to be okay?" he asked, worried, "With Gemma?"

"I have a plan," she said confidently, reviewing it in her head.

"Good," Jax said, "Be careful, Tara."

"I will," she promised.

"How is the house?" Jax asked.

"Good. Move went good too. Last night was our first night and our Sean bought us pizza," she told him, running her hands through her damp hair.

The line was silent and Tara wondered if she had been disconnected.

"Hello? Jax?" she said.

"Your neighbor's name is Sean?" he asked, his voice stiff.

"Yeah, he came over last night and introduced himself and then paid for the pizza," Tara said, wondering if the line got fuzzy when she told him the first time.

"Sounds like a nice guy," Jax said tentatively. _What was wrong with him?_ Tara wondered. He was acting so weird.

"Yeah, he was nice," Tara said in an equally tentative tone.

"I get out in two months," he reminded her after a minute of silence, "I am getting out and then I am getting out of Samcro."

It was a promise. Tara wondered what had brought this topic on, but she was happy he was bringing it for once instead of her.

"I know," Tara said in a soft voice, "I know you are. I can't wait and neither can the boys."

Jax was silent for a few minutes, but Tara could hear him breathing and faint noises in the background, letting her know he was still there.

"I love you Tara," he murmured.

"I love you, Jax," Tara said, hoping she was as reassuring and convincing as possible. He sounded...off. Like he _needed _to hear her and believe her. She hoped she was able to make him see that she did love him and she had faith in what he told her.

"I will see you when I get out," Jax said, "Call Hanley if you have any more problems or emergencies. He can be trusted."

Tara sighed and nodded, even though he couldn't see her, "Okay. Jax?"

"Yeah?" he asked.

"I really do love you," she said softly.

"I love you too," Jax said, before hanging up.

Tara put the phone in her pocket and then finished her coffee. She cleaned up the breakfast mess and said, "Boys, we are going into the hospital for a bit."

Tara ran through the plan in her head and packed the boys up. They were excited because they thought they were going somewhere fun.

As Tara drove to the hospital, she realized she didn't know if Jax had told anyone about Thomas...if he had, Tara would think Gemma would have reached out to her by now, house arrest or not.

Tara kept an eye out for Gemma as she walked Thomas to the daycare. The daycare attendant looked at her in confusion since they knew she was on leave for another week.

After that, she walked towards the surgical floor and spotted Gemma on the phone, flipping through a magazine. Lisa spotted her and relief crossed over her face. Obviously she had gotten harangued by Gemma.

Gemma looked up, spotted Tara but her eyes immediately went to Abel. She stood and Tara walked over to her.

"Gemma," Tara said, "What an unexpected surprise."

"Save it," Gemma snapped, "I am here for my grandson."

"He is _my _son," Tara said, "But we aren't going to discuss that here."

Abel clung to her leg, looking at Gemma in question. He had been so little since he had last seen Gemma…

"Hi Abel, can you give Grandma a hug?" Gemma asked, kneeling down.

Abel looked up at Tara for permission, and she smiled and nodded. For all her faults, Gemma did love Abel and she would never hurt him.

Abel hugged Gemma, then pulled away, immediately latching onto Tara again. Gemma looked wounded and Tara reached down and grabbed Abel's hand.

"Let's go to the diner down the street for some coffee," Tara suggested.

Gemma nodded and followed Tara as she led them out of the hospital. Once they reached the diner and were seated, Tara immediately sat forward and said, "I know you are violating probation."

Gemma stiffened and Tara said, "I am not going to call the cops on you, even though Jax said I could."

Gemma flinched at that and asked, "You are in contact with Jax?"

Tara didn't answer her question, but pushed forward. If Gemma thought Tara was giving her anything, she was dead wrong.

"Here is the deal Gemma," Tara said, "You can come to Portland if you want to see Abel under my supervision, but if you try to take him from me or try and start shit when I have worked so hard to start over, I will call the police and they will put you in jail for parole violation. No doubt you know I have legal guardianship over him so I will protect him. He is _my _son."

Gemma looked like she was seething, but there was also something else in her eyes. Admiration.

"You are such a clever little bitch," Gemma murmured, reaching for her coffee and taking a sip.

Tara smirked and said, "Takes one to know one."

Gemma's smiled and nodded, conceding Tara's point.

"Why'd you run?" Gemma asked, leaning forward.

"You know why," Tara said, brushing her hair back as she looked down at the table. She had been so hurt. So betrayed.

"Because Jax slept with that slut?" Gemma asked skeptically, "I don't buy that."

"No," Tara said, "I was hurt that Jax fucked Ima, but it wasn't the only reason. I wanted a family, and I knew if I wanted them to be safe, it couldn't be in Charming."

"The Club would protect you," Gemma said confused.

"Who would protect me from the Club?" Tara asked, holding Gemma's gaze.

Gemma leaned back, crossing her arms.

"Jax has a right to his son," Gemma said, "Do you think he is going to let Abel stay here with you when he gets out in two months."

_Yes_, Tara thought to herself, _He just told me so on the phone._

"That isn't something you have to worry about," Tara said, crossing her arms too, "Jax and I will worry about that when he gets out. I am not letting Abel raised in the Club if I can help it."

_Or Thomas_, she thought to herself. Over her dead body. From what Jax was telling her, he felt the same way.

Gemma lifted a shoulder, knowing that Tara and Gemma would never see eye to eye on this.

"I agree to your terms until Jax gets out," Gemma said, "But if my son wants Abel back in Charming, there isn't a force in this world that will stop me from getting him back."

Tara nodded and said, "I get that, I guess."

"You guess?" Gemma asked.

"I just don't understand why you would ever want that life for someone you love? How many people does it have to hurt for you to see?" Tara asked.

"Bitch, don't judge me. You were never all in when it came to the Club so you can't understand," Gemma said.

"I don't plan to either," Tara said.

"What happened to you?" Gemma asked, raking her eyes over Tara, "When did you turn so against me and the Club?"

"For the record, I have never been for the Club. And since you are its biggest supporter and are trying to get Jax and my son cemented into it, I am not a big fan of you," Tara said.

Gemma scoffed and said, "Do you really think if Jax didn't want to be there, he would?"

Tara didn't have a response...she knew he loved the Club. But…

_But nothing_...her head said. Since when was her brain weighing in again.

_Yeah, but he promised_...her heart retorted. Oh great, they were warring again inside her.

"You think he can just walk away?" Gemma asked, amused, "Well, he _can_...he _always _could have walked. But he hasn't. And hate to break it to you sweetheart, but he won't."

Tara flinched and looked down at the table as Gemma poked big holes in her hope filled balloon.

"And you know that," Gemma said, smiling smugly as Tara was torn apart by her words, "Because he already chose the Club over you once before. And history always repeats itself."

Tara felt the truth of her words hit home and as much as she tried to keep her feelings inside, her eyes watered.

Tara and Gemma finished their coffee and after an hour of hanging out with her at a nearby park, Tara told Gemma it was time for her to go.

"Margaret is expecting you to check in with her once you are back in town, "So if you don't check in around the time I text her, she will call me."

Gemma nodded, pissed but still smug over Tara's earlier evisceration.

"See you next week," Gemma said, slipping her sunglasses on and climbing in her luxury SUV.

Gemma pulled away and Tara glanced at her watch and texted Margaret. She would spend the next hour with Abel and Thomas in her office until she was sure Gemma was out of town. She just wanted to make sure Gemma didn't follow her to their new house.

When she was sure Gemma had to be on the road, long gone, she took the boys home, both sleeping soundly in the back of the car after a long day.

After the day she had, Tara was ready to pass out too. Gemma had really done a number on her in more ways than one. She should have just called the police. Maybe her heart and her spirit wouldn't be so broken. And her head and her heart wouldn't be at war again.

**Thank you so much for reading everyone! I hope you all enjoyed it. Please leave me a review or a message. This story is wrapping up soon!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi everyone! I hope you all have been well. So if you don't follow my other stories, I wanted to let you all know I decided to change when/how often I update each story. They won't all be on the same day like I have been doing. I got a request from a few readers about spreading them out throughout the week, so I am going to try it. I aim to please!**

**Anyway, let me know what you all think. Feedback is awesome.**

**Thanks for reading and enjoy!**

And Then What

Chapter 13

Jax

It wasn't the thought of leaving Charming...or the knowledge that he would leave behind people he considered family his entire life...it wasn't even the terrifying thought that he was throwing himself out into society where he wasn't outlaw. These all were big changes Jax was going to have to accept when he got out of prison.

What had really driven it home for him was the meeting that Hanley had set up for his tattoo removal.

The past five months, Jax had been involved with a program that assisted gang and outlaw members to assimilate back into regular society. They assisted reformed participants get jobs, an education, drug and alcohol assistance for addicts, tattoo removal, legal and financial assistance, psychiatric counseling, and in some cases relocation services for members who needed to physically leave a community where they felt they were in danger.

Jax had utilized almost all programs they offered, but the tattoo removal...that was a hard pill for him to swallow. He knew if he were to leave the life he would need to black it out or have it removed anyway. He shivered as he remembered Kyle Hobart's back sizzling as Tig took a torch to it. The smell...he had nightmares about that night.

He just...Jax remembered getting inked so vividly. He had been nervous, but excited. He felt special because he was getting marked into a very exclusive and select society. Jax felt like he apart of something bigger...a true legacy.

The day Jax had gotten his ink was the same day Opie did. It had been something they shared together.

Getting it removed was something that had to be done, but it really drove the point home to him. He was leaving the Sons of Anarchy.

"Mr. Teller?"

Jax refocused on the men in front of him. Hanley was one of them, looking at him sympathetically. Hanley knew what this meant.

"Sorry," Jax said, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to force himself to be okay with no longer wearing the reaper on his back.

"I understand this is a big decision within a big decision, however, most organized groups like the Sons have policies regarding ink removal once a member chooses to abdicate their position," the man said delicately to Jax, "I have worked with many individuals, including some Sons who have had to make this decision."

Tara. The boys. That thought flashed through his head as he remembered why he was doing all this. Would he get rid of his ink for them? Hell yes.

"I'll do it," Jax said solemnly.

The man nodded and said, "Great. Costs aren't an issue, so you don't need to worry about that. It will be a matter of when you want to do this and where. I understand from Mr. Hanley that you are relocating after your release?"

Jax nodded. If he didn't get out of Charming after his release, he never would. He would be drawn into the club and although his motivations for staying out were great, he didn't want to be tempted to fall back into comfortable patterns that were familiar to him.

After ironing out his tattoo removal, they decided to talk about his real concern. Supporting his family. Tara was a surgeon. She made major bank, especially since her skills were becoming more and more sought for as her technique and excellence in her field improved.

But...Jax was a man. He couldn't live off his wife. He needed to contribute to their family, and if he couldn't do it as an outlaw, he needed to find another way.

"We understand that you are interested in opening your own mechanic garage," the program counselor said, looking over Jax's file, "It makes sense. And it's a perfectly reasonable goal. I have been looking into government programs to assist you, but we need to explore other options to cover the financial expenses for that."

Jax nodded and said, "I have some savings. Not much, but some."

"Good," he said, "Is any of the money you have in savings obtained illegally?"

_Er…yes_, Jax thought to himself. Should he tell them that?

"Candor is crucial for this all to work, Teller," the man reminded him. What was his name? John? John Mendez.

Jax nodded and said, "Almost all of it was obtained through club activities."

John nodded and said, "Okay, well, we can't put any of those funds into the business. If the government finds out that the money used to fund your business wasn't completely legitimate, then you could encounter problems."

Jax sighed in frustration. Realistically, he knew that there were no government programs for ex-cons that could cover the expense of opening a garage.

"We have one more option," John said, "There are small business loans out there, and although you don't have much credibility, you could find a cosigner with credibility."

Jax looked to him in confusion. The only people he knew were people with about as much credibility as he had. And they were all apart of the club, the thing he was trying to get out of.

"Jax," Hanley said, breaking into the conversation, "We're talking about Tara."

Jax shook his head immediately. No.

"No," he said, "I am not asking Tara for this."

"Tara wouldn't be paying for you to have your business," Hanley said, "She would just put her name on the loan so that the standing of the loan is more solid."

"I don't want to involve Tara," Jax said adamantly. He wanted to succeed. And he wanted to do it without depending on his old lady.

Hanley sighed in frustration and John said, "Well, I will see what I can do without that option."

Jax nodded appreciatively.

"Alright," John said, kindly standing as he gathered his notes and papers.

"Have you told your family about your graduation from the gang rehab program?" Mendes asked as he packed his shit up.

Jax shook his head and said, "No. I am not having a graduation."

Mendez frowned and said, "You have a lot to be proud of Jax. Your family would be proud too. Especially since you are doing it all for them."

Jax shrugged as Hanley cuffed him to escort him back to his cell.

"Don't feel too proud," Jax said, holding up his cuffed hands.

"It's a process, Teller. Everyone starts at the bottom," Mendez said, "You are at the bottom. But you are working your way up. At least you are trying."

Jax looked at him with a smirk. What do you know about being at the bottom? Jax wondered.

As if he could hear his thoughts, John pulled down the collar of his pressed button down shirt, showing Jax a blacked out tat...this guy too.

"You too?" Jax asked, looking to Hanley for confirmation.

"Mr. Mendez hails from San Bernardino, CA," Hanley said, as he hooked his keys back on his belt.

"Vagos?" Jax asked surprised. Vagos was a _big _biker gang. One of the most notorious. Sons was a joke compared the Vagos. Small time.

Mendez nodded and said, "Got out six years ago. Went to law school to help people like you. Wanted to help people in my situation."

Jax nodded and said, "That's great." Now he was impressed. Why didn't they lead with this shit?

Mendez nodded and said, "It was hard, but...it's not impossible."

Jax nodded and turned to leave the room.

As he left the room, he turned and asked, "What made you want to get out."

Mendez smiled and said, "Knowing one day, I would either have to lie to my daughter about my role in a gang and what I did, or be honest with her about it and see the disappointed look on her face."

Jax nodded. He knew that fear. He smiled and said, "Thanks for your help, Mendez."

Mendez nodded before Hanley escorted him out of the room.

Tara

It had been two weeks since Gemma had surprised her. Gemma had called her office, letting Tara she wanted to make another visit to Portland to see Abel. Tara rubbed her forehead and thought about arranging that.

Even though she was more than comfortable with her and Gemma's arrangement, it was still stressful. She only had a month left. A month until Jax got out. No matter what he decided to do, Tara knew Jax would keep Gemma in check.

Tara had decided that every word out of Gemma's mouth was poisonous. And meant to mentally disable Tara. She couldn't listen to her. Right now the only person she trusted was Jax.

Tara was grocery shopping, Abel trailing next to her with Thomas propped in the cart. Tara ran over her list, pushing the cart forward as Abel randomly grabbed things off the shelf and put them in the cart, which Tara immediately put back.

"Abel," Tara scolded when he grabbed a juice pack.

Abel looked over his shoulder, gave her that defiant smile that reminded her so much of his father it caused her heart to pang, before putting the juice pack in the cart anyway.

Tara chuckled as she grabbed it out, mumbling, "Monster."

"I want to shop with your kid. Juice packs, M&Ms, granola bars...he has good taste."

Tara looked up to see her new neighbor, Sean Dwyer, smiling at her..

"Sean," Tara said, brushing her bangs back, "Hey, good to see you."

"You too," Sean said, giving her a charming smile and leaning forward so his elbows were resting on the cart.

"How are you settling in?" he asked.

Tara nodded and said, "Pretty good. I only have a few things to hang."

"I can help you with that," Sean offered, "But it'll cost you. Maybe a granola bar. I noticed you didn't put those back."

Tara smirked and said, "I think I can handle it. Only a few things and they aren't hard to hang."

"So I met this guy," Sean said pointing to Thomas, then bent down where Abel was looking at him curiously.

"I haven't met you," Sean said to Abel, "My name is Sean. I am your new neighbor."

Abel looked to Tara who nodded, giving him permission to speak to the stranger.

"My name is Abel and I am three," he said in his little toddler voice, smiling bashfully as he held three little fingers up.

"Three! Really? Wow, so you probably have your own bike now?" Sean asked.

Abel nodded and said, "A motorcycle like my daddy's."

"Ahh, how cool," Sean said, "Can you show me sometime?"

Abel nodded and proudly boasted, "I can ride around the block."

"Okay," Sean said, standing back up, "Sounds like a plan."

Tara smiled as Abel went back to his version of shopping.

"A three year old and a one year old...how are you not insane?" Sean asked, smirking.

"I am just really good at hiding my crazy," Tara responded, laughing.

Thomas threw his pacifier and Tara bent down and said, "This is my other hell raiser, Thomas."

Sean nodded and said, "Well, I will let you get back to your shopping. I was serious though, about helping if you need me to. I don't look it, but I am quite handy."

"Good to know," Tara responded, "I will keep that in mind. Nice running into you, Sean."

"You too, Tara," he replied, standing straight and pushing his cart up the aisle, waving at Abel as he passed.

Tara put the growing pile of groceries Abel had put in the cart and said, "Abel, no more putting anything in the cart. Okay?"

"Kay, Mommy," Abel said.

Tara sighed and looked back up at her list. She needed to get out of here. She had a long day at work and was more than ready to get home.

She spotted Sean walking out of the grocery store as she checked out and was surprised that she didn't shy away from him like she normally did. Or really anyone since Thomas was born. She had been more open with coworkers. She even went out with them some nights when she could find a babysitter.

Tara had never been a particularly social person, but she had always credited that to Charming and its limited circles. Here, in her new life, she wanted to have people. She wanted friends, neighbors. She wanted more.

Tara decided once she got the house really done, she would invited coworkers and neighbors for a housewarming. It was something the Old Tara...the Charming Tara would never have done. But she wanted to turn over a new leaf. And maybe this was a good way to do that.

Tara finished at the grocery store and took herself and the boys home, wondering what was needed...how to plan a barbeque. The only things she had been to like that were things Gemma usually did.

She could figure it out too. And the first thing she would need was a grill.

**Please review because it makes me happy! Jax will be getting out within the next couple chapters so stay tuned!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hi everyone! Happy Thursday! **

**I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me through this story (my first SOA attempt). It is wrapping up, but I have been so happy with the response to it, I am a hardcore SOA fandom fan. You all are so amazing and supportive. I hope you all follow my other stuff in the future.**

**Anyway, please keep up the amazing messages and reviews. They are so encouraging. Enjoy!**

And Then What

Chapter 14

Tara

Tara had decided to have the barbeque a week after Jax got out. If he was there, it could be a welcome home as well as a housewarming and if he wasn't...well, it would just be a housewarming.

Tara had bought a grill and sent invites out to coworkers. She then walked up and down their small street with Abel on his trike and Thomas toddling after him, hand delivering all the other invitations to the neighbors.

This week she just needed to finish the house up, make sure it was company ready. Jax was coming home soon. If he was serious about leaving the club, then that meant he would be here in a week and a half.

Tara was playing in the backyard with the boys when her phone rang.

She raced for the phone on the patio table and got to it just before it went to voicemail.

"Hello?" she panted into the receiver.

"Dr. Knowles?"

Tara stilled as she recognized the official voice of Officer Hanley. _Shit_, was Jax okay?

"Is Jax okay?" she asked immediately.

"Yes, he is fine, I am sorry to have startled you," Hanley said.

Tara sighed in relief and glanced towards the boys playing around the yard.

"Oh good," she responded, "Is this about his release?"

"It is," Officer Hanley said, but something was off in his voice. Like he was uncomfortable. Tara frowned and wondered what it could be.

"Officer Hanley?" Tara asked, "Is there something I should know?" _Is Jax not coming back to me and the boys? Did he change his mind?_

"Yes," he replied, "There is."

Tara's heart stopped and she felt her face blanch. _Oh God_…

"Jackson has been very successful in his gang rehabilitation program. He will be graduating this week," Officer Hanley said.

What? Gang rehab? What the hell was that? Why didn't Jax tell her?

"When?" Tara asked, "What is this?"

Officer Hanley explained that there were government programs that assisted individuals who wanted out of gang life accomplish those goals. Jax had been through all of it except for the graduation.

"Wow," Tara said, sitting at the table, under the shade of the umbrella.

"He has a lot to be proud of," Officer Hanley explained.

Tara nodded, knowing he did. Jax would typically never seek help outside of the club. The fact that he was utilizing these resources meant that he was taking it seriously. If Tara was honest, that shocked her. She had wanted to take Jax seriously when he promised her he was getting out, but to know that he was actually taking the steps to doing that...it meant something.

"The graduation is going to be two days before his release," Hanley informed her, "The ceremony is small, but I think it would mean a lot for you to be there."

Tara's head spun and she thought for a few minutes. She had wanted to meet Jax on his release from prison, but...she didn't want to put more pressure on him to choose between his life in Charming and Tara and the boys' life in Portland.

"I will be there," Tara said, resolving to go to the graduation and talking to Jax about what he wanted her to do, "Can I bring the boys?"

Hanley responded instantly, "I think that would be ideal."

Tara nodded and said, "We will be there."

After taking the information down from Hanley on the ceremony and what she needed to do to be admitted into the prison, she tried to hang up with him, but he stopped her.

"Dr. Knowles," he said, "I...I don't ever do this. Insert myself…" he stammered.

"I am glad you told me," Tara reassured him. And she was. Jax never told her things like this because he didn't think he deserved anything good in his life or any recognition for his accomplishments. But he did. He deserved to be happy.

"I think when you see Jackson, you need to talk about his plans for after he gets out. He...well, we have an attorney that he has been working with to help him with that portion and they have hit a roadblock. It will be hard for Jackson if he doesn't accept help," Hanley said vaguely.

Tara thought about what he was saying and asked, "Hanley, can you be candid, please?"

"I have already crossed a line," Officer Hanley said, agitated, "Maybe I could arrange some time for you to meet with Jax and the lawyer after the ceremony. Then you would see what I mean," Hanley finished hopefully.

"Sure, that sounds good," Tara said, wishing he would just tell her. But obviously he didn't think it was his place.

Hanley seemed relieved and verified the time and place her and the boys would need to be there for the graduation.

Tara hung up and sat there a minute before her sons' laughter brought her back to the backyard. She knew that they were the reason he was doing all of this. And that was fine with her. Tara just wanted him safe. And if their kids was his only motivation, that was fine with her.

Tara went into the house, keeping an eye on them from the window as she prepared lunch.

She brought out their lunches on paper plates and called them over.

As they sat and ate, Tara said, "Do you boys want to go see Daddy this week?"

Both boys were excited by the prospect, even though Thomas didn't know what he was excited about.

"Can I show Daddy my motorcycle?" Abel asked excitedly, forgetting his lunch in front of him.

"Not for this trip, but he will be home soon, and he can see it then," Tara said, "Now eat your lunch."

Abel was harder to persuade to eat after the news of their trip, but Thomas shoved his pears halves and Goldfish crackers in his mouth as if there was nothing new.

Jax

Jax knew he needed to talk to Clay. He was getting out in less than a week and having his tat removed sooner than that.

Today was as good as any other day.

Jax walked up to Clay in the yard. Really, it was an ideal place. They could have privacy, but there were enough guards to break something up if anything happened.

"Clay," Jax said, "Take a walk with me?"

Clay nodded and stood, following Jax towards the track.

Once they walked about a hundred yards, Clay broke the silence, "What's up, VP?"

Jax bit the bullet and said, "I need out."

Clay chuckled and said, "Yeah, don't we all. A week. That's all we got left in here."

"No, Clay," Jax said, stopping to face him, "I need _out_. Of Samcro."

Clay looked stunned as he studied Jax's serious face.

"What are you talking about?" Clay asked, surprised.

Jax was silent, letting Clay digest his request. He knew this wasn't going to go over well.

"You wanted the gavel your whole life," Clay said confused.

"Not anymore," Jax said, "I need out. I got a family. They need me."

"And you can't be there for them and Samcro," Clay asked, now angry, "They are your real family. Tara? Doctor bitch is making you choose."

Jax clenched his jaw and tried to remain calm.

"And you are choosing wrong. She is the one who left you, son," Clay said, "Samcro...they never left."

Jax looked at Clay and said, "It doesn't matter. I need out. For my boys."

"Boys?" Clay asked confused. _Oh fuck_….

Jax sighed and said, "Tara had a baby. He is mine."

Clay flinched and said, "What? When?"

Jax said, "He was born just before we went in."

Clay looked outraged now.

"And you never told us? Your mother!?" Clay growled.

Jax glanced to the side and saw that the other members...Juice, Tig, Bobby...were all now watching them anxiously from the center of the yard. They were on high alert.

"His name is Thomas," Jax said softly, hoping this gentled Clay a little.

Clay shook his head and thought for few minutes.

"There are other ways to have your kids," Clay said, "And you wouldn't need to leave Samcro."

The way he said it...it sent a chill down Jax's spine. It was a veiled threat against Tara.

"No, Clay," Jax said, gritting his teeth, "You don't understand. I don't want Samcro. Not anymore. And I definitely don't want it for my sons."

Clay clenched his teeth and Jax said, "I know you are planning your own out. Let me have an out too. No recourse."

Clay sighed and said, "Your mom?"

Jax just shook his head and said, "I love my mom. I love the members of this club. But I love Tara and the boys more. And these past two years...Abel getting kidnapped, Gemma being raped, Tara leaving with Thomas, the feds...it's too much. I can't do this anymore, Clay."

"This isn't that simple, son," Clay said, rubbing his forehead. As Jax watched Clay process, he noted something he hadn't before. There was a look of desperation in Clay's face. Clay needed him. But he couldn't be the VP anymore. He just couldn't.

"It can be," Jax said, "You are club president. If you let me out, then it's that simple."

"What are you going to do?" Clay asked, "You got no higher education, no skills. You are a joke as a mechanic."

Jax sighed and said, "It doesn't matter what the hell I do."

"This is a club vote," Clay said softly.

"It is, but if you support it, the guys will follow," Jax said. Except Opie. And Piney. They would never go with this. A long time ago, Opie had wanted out. He did it for his family, and Jax hadn't understood. Now he did. And he never felt so ashamed of himself for pulling his best friend back in when he was now getting out.

"You are making a mistake," Clay said, "And all for some doctor pussy."

Jax once more tamped down the rage that bubbled up in him as Clay insulted Tara. But he couldn't let his anger take over. He needed Clay's support in this.

"I am out," Jax said, "I would like your support."

Clay studied him and said, "I can't."

Jax felt the desperation and anger bubble inside him. He knew he needed to pull out his secret weapon.

Clay began to walk away and Jax said, "What if the club found out you murdered my father?"

Clay stopped, standing with his back facing Jax. He never expected that to come out of Jax's mouth

"Would that change your mind?" Jax asked, "Because I think it would. We both know what happens when club members murder other club members."

Clay turned, his face red with rage and horror.

"What are you talking about?" Clay asked, coming closer to him.

"Maureen Ashby was John's lover," Jax said, "At the same time you were banging my mom. She gave me letters my dad wrote...he wrote a lot Clay."

Clay pursed his lips and Jax knew he had him right where he wanted him.

"As much as I want justice for my father...I want my freedom more. If you give this the nod, then I will never air those letters to the club. And you will never be labeled a traitorous murderer," Jax said.

Clay remained silent as he thought about what Jax was offering.

"You're bluffing. How do I know you got what you got?" Clay asked.

"You really want to take that chance?" Jax asked, skeptically, "JT talked about how he was afraid...how he suspected you were after him. How it would be a mechanical accident. I got the accident report too. Shit doesn't add up, Clay. Anybody would know it. And then there is Lloyd Sr. who died mysteriously right after."

"Club members are going to put two and two together," Jax continued.

Clay studied him and said, "Fine. You're out. I will make sure of it."

Jax sighed in relief and said, "You will never see the letters again then. But I am going to hang on to them in case you send someone after me and my family. If anything happens to any of us, they come out into the open. I promise you that."

Clay clenched his teeth and spun and walked away from Jax, heading back towards the guys.

Jax had done it. He was out.

**So...what do you all think about me pulling the letters out? In this story, Jax was the one to find them before he went in. Do you think they came out at the right time?**

**Please review. Next chapter, Jax and Tara come face to face again! Wahoo!**


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